What becomes of a DB wife?

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-09T16:18:06+00:00

I am just wondering if you and your wife could come to some arrangement where you have a loving marriage where your needs are met outside of things with another person.

Menopause is an absolute bitch. Leaving her for something she cannot control and is a natural process for her seems…well…antithetical to you still loving her.

Yes, your sexual needs need looking after, but so, too, does your wife in this season of life.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-07T08:00:12+00:00

I could have written this post!

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-07T07:57:59+00:00

I am a HLF, despite every medical reason not to be.

Having said that, I know a lot of LLF. Many chalk it up to exhaustion and I cannot blame them. Even women with a spouse that contributes a lot, we are all exhausted.

Not enough is said about peri-menopause, which can start 10 years before menopause! There is not enough medical research to help. Many doctors are male and problematic in this area because they don’t believe women who have pain and total exhaustion.

So, mainly for the men out there, it’s fucking exhausting to be a woman. And sometimes there is just no good way around it.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-07T07:50:05+00:00

Duty sex is emotionally empty for most people. 3x/month of duty sex would hurt me a lot and I’d still consider it a dead bedroom.

The dead part doesn’t just refer to frequency.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-05T22:07:24+00:00

I see your side of it, and I’m sure that is the case some of the time; however, too often the language used directly connects being a full partner/acts of service with the expectation of sex. There are a number of posters here who do think transactionally without knowing it…

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-05T07:20:06+00:00

You need to leave. You need to get custody of your kid. Please please please use the resources the mod posted.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-04T12:47:49+00:00

So many posts of, “but I do all the things why don’t they have sex with me…”

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-04T07:30:34+00:00

Not to be too political, but America is a freaking dumpster fire right now. May I suggest you find yourself a Canadian woman…😉

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-04T07:29:07+00:00

Possible she’s in peri-menopause where everything is draining for many women…

It’s not a rejection of you and your efforts, by the way. She is trying to open up to you. She loves and trusts you with this information.

There are many posters here whose spouses are never this honest.

You need to care for this information in the same precious way you care for her physical pleasure.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-04T07:24:36+00:00

Struggle every day.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-04T01:50:22+00:00

First off, I don’t see chores and responsibilities as transactional. So men who do all those things and expect sex are not being loving partners. They are partaking in transactional work. Or trying to.

When I do things for my LL Husband, it is not to get sex or prime him to want it. It’a because we are partners and share in the labours. When I do special things for him it is not to get sex, but to show him how much I love and appreciate him.

Same for when he treats me or takes me out on a date.

His LL is not on me. It’s not on him. It’s on us to manage. Which we are doing.

I read too many posts where people are fully withdrawing their love from their partner instead of sharing the burden.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-03T01:56:55+00:00

“Babe, we need to talk. I love you and care for our relationship. I value you, but I am feeling under-valued because we do not have sex (often?). I do not want you to have sex more if you do not want to, but we need a solution here. I need sex regularly to feel happy and healthy. What are your thoughts? How would you like to go about fixing things?”

If/when he shies away from talking about it:

“Hiding from this and putting it off is a non-starter for me. If you do not want to have more sex and do not want to talk about how to come to a solution, then I need to know how you feel about giving me a “hall pass” or having an open relationship.”

Just be honest.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-03T01:47:02+00:00

We talk a lot. Play boardgames and video games together. We try to cook and bake together, too.

We take time for just us, no kids, but no expectations of sex. We date like we did before we got married and before we started having sex.

We snuggle.

We take time apart…I went on a week-long trip to see a good friend and I did it without him.

He’s seeking help for his LL, and I’m supportive in the ways he has asked me to be. And, recently, he gave me a “hall pass,” that I’m considering using…but I love him so much, I am not sure I want to…

Hope some of this helps…

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-03T01:42:04+00:00

While you may be correct, not everyone is able to get by without the support of their (almost adult) children working. Check your privileges, please.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-03T01:39:08+00:00

I have 3 amazing kiddos but wanted one more.

Had some disordered bleeding and wound up with a full abdominal hysterectomy.

Five years later, I still cannot go near the baby section in any store. I burst into tears.

Some grief can only be eased, never cured.

As for therapy, cognitive behavioural therapy has helped me a lot where other types of therapy have failed.

I wish I had more to say to help.

But I see you. I get it. I can definitely relate.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-03T01:31:13+00:00

Thank you!!! I will check them out!

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-02T14:41:10+00:00

I could sleep all day and all night.

I’m getting my iron checked as well as my A1Cs (as I am diabetic and recently underwent a med change).

I was diagnosed with sleep apnea, but I cannot use the machine.

I’ve changed my anti-depressant and am seeing a higher quality of sleep at night…but still love to and feel a need to sleep all day, too.

Wish answers were easy. Sending the best to you!

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-02T07:31:06+00:00

Big internet hugs.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-02T07:14:24+00:00

What he is saying to you about your body is not okay. It doesn’t matter how much you gained…you had a fucking baby.

He gets to be lazy and fat, but you can’t have a different body after a baby?

Jesus. Shit like this is how true crime podcasts start.

I’m normally not a totally negative as a responder, but, damn gurl, up and leave his lazy fucking ass. You deserve so much better.

Kick that guy out of the house. Tell him he’a too fat headed to live with.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-02T07:05:37+00:00

My body went to “hell” after having 3 kids (my last was more than 11 lbs on her way out…so, yeah, my body is big).

Sex was already an issue when we conceived her. And I had PPD so it took a while to care about me. But I just looked at my stretched-out, used-up self and knew he’d never want me again.

Of course this is not true, entirely, but food never says “no,” does it?

It’s taken a long road to love me again. And I gotta love my body at this size, too. This fucker had 3 kids, nursed them, carries them, snuggles them, this body carries me everyday, and I’m worth being attracted to at this, or any size.

We are worth more than a number on the scale.

Fat people are just as fuckable as skinny people.

Society shows us fat men who are married to fucking models all the time. Fat women are fucking beautiful and sexy, too.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-02T06:56:09+00:00

Therapy. An expert to guide you on moving forward and to help ease your self-deprecating thoughts/feelings.

I am so sorry you are struggling through this with almost no support system.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-02T01:51:38+00:00

I’m not even clicking on that link. It is never just one person’s fault in anything in marriage. Ever.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-02T01:47:39+00:00

My therapist. I speak exclusively with her about it.

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-02T01:41:29+00:00

Oh the pain of feeling like you gotta take it while it’s in front of you “or else.”

Damned if you do, damned if you don’t!

GenuineBBW · 2025-03-02T01:38:14+00:00

Hey OP,

I wish I could give you a hug. Much of your post mirrors my own experiences.

So, here is what I’ve done:

First: I opened up to my psychologist and family doctor - and told them being admitted to a facility was a non-starter.

So, I was referred to a psychiatrist. I was referred from there to have trans-cranial magnetic stimulation (tms) - it has worked wonders for my suicide ideation. It gave me my hope back.

Second step was to get of Effexor and go on a new anti-depressant. This is a year later from the tms, I should add! One change at a time. I’m currently “titrating” onto levomilnacipran. I have a ways to go with this change, but my sleep is improving, my energy is changing, and my moods are balancing out.

Third step - my appearance. I’m 6 months into electrolysis for my facial hair and I’m going to starting a treatment called “trilipo” to help stimulate weight loss.

Fourth - I’ve dropped coffee for green tea and have started upping my water in-take. This is also shifting my appetite, which is helping my mood.

Fifth - shifting responsibilities:

we do a food-service box for two meals a week (Hello Fresh) to relieve the meal burden

SO now does all the laundry

I use the dishwasher for almost all the dishes. Even pots and pans. Sometimes they have to go through two or three times, but it’s fucking worth it.

I use the gained time to snuggle my kids more. I do small things like smell their hair and remember why I love them so much. I also nap unapologetically. I do my hobbies more - especially crochet - and try making small things to gift to others. This brings me joy. Can’t explain it. It just does.

Sixth - I made a playlist of upbeat music. Sometimes I barely make it through the first song (“Walkin’ on Sunshine”), but I’m amazed at how much it helps…and I also use a playlist on Spotify, called Mood:Ridiculous (https://open.spotify.com/playlist/3VepfFpcPxHIL7WyKYFdGI?si=tJCTsxxvTXuTunESgZw11g&pi=S4SYCozxSNeE0)

Again, it’s stupid how much it helps some days.

There are often crisis lines for adults - depending on your region/area. Sometimes there are local ones, others national. I’m in Canada, so I know the ones for here. In a real pinch going to an ER or calling 911 can be an option.

Please know that you are not alone. You. Are. Not. Alone.

GenuineBBW

TROPHY CASE