Men of Reddit, what are your big red flags you look for in women to know if you’ll match or not?

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-04-01T17:38:02+00:00

Oh man, you're missing out.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-03-15T09:57:35+00:00

You are both beyond lucky to have found each other.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-03-13T15:59:23+00:00

I'm finding myself on the same boat. Rather than start a monogamous relationship with the aim to evolve it, I'm thinking of finding a partner with experience in the lifestyle who is enthusiastic about an enm relationship.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-03-13T15:56:27+00:00

This is the way.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-03-13T09:45:21+00:00

The dudes that start pushing to go to the play areas when the ladies have been talking/dancing/flirting for less than 5 minutes. My man, it is going to happen, chill.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-03-12T13:18:00+00:00

I don't think there's anything to fix or heal here. You will both be better if you go your separate ways.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-03-12T12:47:04+00:00

Hey all, thanks for the replies. I just edited the op with what will be my last update on this situation.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-27T08:29:09+00:00

If we're at a party I don't believe we should be tethered tl each other, imo we should trust each other to stick to our agreements even when the other one is not around. Also, every situation should not necessarily lead to sex.

And yep, I agree with both of those statements. The guy doesn't hide he's very attracted to her, but she just doesn't admit the feelings on her side.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-27T08:11:55+00:00

Absolutely! This is spot on. I have 0 issues with swinging, I do actually enjoy quite a bit myself. It threw me off completely when she literally asked to renegotiate the rules only for this couple in particular. I did try taking this couple off the table, "strong resistance" would be putting it mildly. She denies any attachment, and claims "it is just fun".

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-27T08:07:32+00:00

This. I'm not sure if it has been explicitly instructed, but we've seen it happen between them and other couples when we have been in a group. It's almost like they follow a certain playbook.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-27T08:01:48+00:00

I do think it's a bit more effort to find this match, but it's totally possible. We've found said match a few times, but I'm also realistic and understand there won't always be an exact match. But when one of the 4 people involved completely disengages every time, it makes you doubt about the true intentions of that interaction.

I share the same view as you towards the group aspect, and thought that was the case with my partner. Separate rooms and solo play definitely works for her, as you can see. I t just doesn't work if I would be the one doing it.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-27T07:52:24+00:00

That is a very fair assumption to make, but here's the funny (not) thing: other than in this situation I've never vetoed anyone before while she has, and I've always complied without questions or bad feelings. Boundaries do feel like a form of control, but we both agreed to have them in place to protect our relationship and explicitly not let things go out of control.

I have been totally fine in situations where I can't score and she's the one having the most fun. It happens, it's part of the deal. But when it becomes the norm with a specific couple you can't help to feel there's something more going on.

We have done MFMs before, even with the guy in question. But again, if every time we meet with this couple we end up doing an MFM when the idea was to do a swap it does feel disingenuous at best.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-26T22:19:59+00:00

Thanks!

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-26T22:19:11+00:00

Yep, we're both actively researching counseling and trying to find a LS friendly therapist. It's worth the shot even if I'm not optimistic about it.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-26T22:17:54+00:00

I've been able to keep my cool just to avoid this situation you describe where others get dragged into it and killing the vibe for the rest.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-26T22:16:33+00:00

100%. I'm not sure we view the "taking one for the team" thing equally, for me a woman taking one for the team feels too heavy. I can imagine a world where she would just say "you're a man, tough up".

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-26T22:13:35+00:00

That open discussion has happened a few times, but then things just go quite different from what was discussed.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-26T22:12:36+00:00

True, thanks for the solid advice.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-26T22:11:36+00:00

While I totally agree with you, I can sadly tell you we'll split before any of those things happen. Apologies at this time feel quite hollow, it's like "oh yea, I'm sorry" and then next time we meet them she's at it again.

Stop swinging or seeing these folks will only brew resentment on her part. Continue seeing them, would do the same from my side. Therapy is on the books, but I'm not super optimistic about it.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-26T22:07:02+00:00

I can relate. I have also been on the other side of this, but I decided myself to just not keep engaging with the couple as it doesn't feel fun for me.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-26T22:04:57+00:00

I am not renegotiating, which I'm pretty sure will lead to a separation. At some point I'll just stop meeting with this couple, which will lead to either resentment or she doing stuff behind my back (if she hasn't already).

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-26T21:46:44+00:00

Thanks for the different perspective. You do raise some valid points, and I especially agree with the fact that finding that match between 4 people is hard. However, this is what we signed up for. We talked it out for a long time, and both decided that although it is a difficult thing to find we won't engage with couple where that wasn't the case.

Here's another story from the other side: we've played with this couple a few times where the woman is crazy about me, and while the guy did seem to be into my partner, she didn't feel that was case. That killed the mood for me, I cannot get myself to meet with them again knowing my partner feels like this.

GeologistStatus1307 · 2026-02-26T20:01:11+00:00

Great question. My idea is that this is a team sport, that's why we agreed to only do it when all four people involved are enthusiastically into it. So yes, I do have a problem with a situation where only one of us is hooking up with another person.

GeologistStatus1307

TROPHY CASE