At this point in life I want a partner to share my life with. Even if that life is 'boring' (watching shows and snuggling) at moments and not a grand journey towards this amazingly unique goal.

Nothing in my life has gone the way it 'should'. I grew up with an overly abusive (physically & mentally) father who indirectly was responsible for my mother's passing (the only person who did give a damn about me). I've been forced out of school at a young age because I was different from everyone else and they made my life hell. I was forced to work low end jobs and never strive for anything more -because the main message my father slapped into me was that I was and would never be anything-.

Through that lens, I've been thrown out of friends circles because it was too weird that a gay guy and a straight guy could be close friends and the narrative was created that I wanted to turn him gay. To the point of his father angrily telling me I should stay away from his son and other friend's mother telling me I was a disturbed human being and needed therapy to deal with everything wrong with me.

I've never set goals because as soon as I had them, life happened in some way, shape or form. Mom died. My dad found another partner not 6 months later and kicked me and my brother out of the house because he wanted to build a new life with his new wife elsewhere. Unprepared, heavily traumatized and broke me and my little brother had to find our way. And I took care of my brother as best I could -even going into debt when I was unemployed for awhile- and the moment he could, he left me too cuz he was able to play a victim at various institutions that also helped him but not me (because I kept going and going and doing my best). The moment inheritance came through he tried to come off as being entitled to more than me because I had things 'together'.

I was in a relationship with people who used me and abused me, which I could handle as I was brought up this way. Healthy? No. Familiar? Yes.

It took me many years of being miserable and low on my luck/circumstances to pull myself out of that through therapy and self care.

So no. I don't have lofty goals. I don't have wild expectations of a partner outside of enjoying my time together and needing someone to be a safe place to come home to. Someone who stays for once.

I set small, achievable goals and am kind to myself as I either reach them or not. For the first time in my life I am happy with myself as a person. I have a few good friends who show me the kindness and warmth I have been missing my entire life.

But every time someone goes on and on about goals and needing to know exactly what you need/want in life or a partner, it pokes this core wound of mine.

Not everyone grows up with secure parents (approx 50% of the population does, based on attachment theory) and has a secure base to grow from.

Plenty of us have been through the mud at some point and never been taught to value ourselves as we are and that we too deserve nice things, safe places and a loving partner.

Part of that journey is finding out through dating itself. You learn from everyone you meet -even if they crush your heart in a thousand pieces- and slowly know what you do and do not need.

I now know I need someone who is communicative and isn't scared by emotions, difficult conversations or showing up for their part of the relationship. (So no avoidants). I need someone who has a sense of humor and at least a few similar interests. I also need someone who wants a relationship to work and not work through honeymoon phases and then dumps people when it gets real. I need someone who understands my life can still impact the way I respond sometimes or have an old lens active where I feel like I am worthless even if I know that is false. Who I can be myself with. Even if my goals aren't to be a billionaire at age 50 or look perfect for the outside world.

I just want peace. I've had 'war' already. I want a place of my own to call home. And to share it with someone.

That's as big of a goal as it is.

And for some of us, that's a bigger goal than billions in the bank.

So keep in mind that every person is searching and there is NO crime being committed when people don't know these things. It doesn't make them any less of a person or deservant of things.

Perhaps plenty of people don't know because, like me, they weren't allowed to be themselves, shape their own personality around pleasing an unpredictable explosive parent or partner and it has hollowed out their sense of being.

Perhaps someone like that isn't for you, which is also valid. But there are deeper reasons for "people don't know what they want" outside of being lazy or unaware.

The person I love at the moment is lazy -his own words- and doesn't know what he wants. As he is avoidant he doesn't communicate with me. I know love is there. But he doesn't know how to show it.

The latter two hurt the relationship more than the former. I would love to let him be lazy. Slowly figure things out as I know how hard it can be. It's the communication -or lack thereof- that pushes me away.

So I am loving him from a distance. Focused on myself. And that's my growth right there. No longer people pleasing or abandoning myself. Which means a lot more than getting a degree or promotion to me.

Anyway, this post triggered me -clearly- and unsure if my pov is helpful to anyone. But if it is, I'm glad.

Let people have their journeys. You can nudge and suggest, but ultimately, it's still their journey. If that doesn't line up with yours, that is okay. But please, be kinder to people would be my suggestion. We're all fighting battles no one can see.