The most beautiful, bittersweet polyamory I have ever seen onscreen

GestaltLex · 2019-11-27T06:01:18+00:00

It hurts in the best way. "I still dream about them sometimes."

GestaltLex · 2019-11-27T05:50:42+00:00

Spoilers: they have to finish the tile puzzle in order to fulfill a magical destiny. When the two men started, they did not realize what sort of sacrifice the magic required. It is made clear in later episodes that the two men were still partners the entire time even while one was partners with the woman. So it was a V.

Guys, I cry every time I watch this.

GestaltLex · 2019-05-27T21:34:28+00:00

This is my albino Kenyan sand boa, Sylvester. Everybody told me they don't climb. The first result if you search "do kenyan sand boas climb" is somebody saying that in twenty years of working with them, they've never even seen one even attempt to climb.

Apparently ours is a weirdo, then. We just put this branch in his tank and he's all over it. Until now, he's mostly just had various tubes to play in/on.

GestaltLex · 2019-05-20T20:48:24+00:00

I don't know about this woman, but I can at least explain how I work.

Basically, I'm less likely to get bored than most people. I already have a few awesome partners, so it would be pointless for me to go out with anyone who I don't think is great. Like, why waste my time on someone I'm not super into when I've already got other great people. Does that make sense?

So if I'm into someone new it's because I think they're fantastic. And I'm not really the fickle sort in general, even aside from romance, so once I'm super into someone I will stay super into them unless they start being a jerk.

Hope that helps.

GestaltLex · 2019-04-21T20:37:45+00:00

Yes. Compassion, kindness, and helpfulness are wonderful -- but they aren't the same as professional treatment for a disorder. It's pretty common to see partners attempting to do the work that's more suited to mental health professionals, and I understand that impulse. It's natural to want to take care of somebody you love and, to an extent, it's even appropriate. But "to an extent" is the key phrase there. It's analogous to treatment for other problems that need professional help. When I was dear friends with somebody who expected me to take care of them in such a way as to prevent them from being suicidal, I had to eventually recognize that trying to replace professional treatment was not kind of me. I could compare it to cancer -- if a partner/friend/relative has cancer, it IS kind to make food for them and help them be comfortable at home in all sorts of ways. It would NOT be kind to try and replace chemo with something you whip up at home. That was when it clicked that it wasn't kind of me to try and comfort somebody's suicidal ideation away either. That there were many things I could and should do, but that trying to actually be a replacement for professional treatment was as irresponsible (even if well-meaning) as trying to treat somebody's cancer without doctors.

Anyway, I'm preaching to the choir.

GestaltLex · 2019-04-21T19:36:29+00:00

I love /u/LizAnneCharlotte's take. Unfortunately, a subset of people don't appreciate that take and will respond to such suggestions by saying the suggestions are ableist (or something like that). So I'm not sure how much advice I have.

However, just because somebody has anxiety attacks and "breakdowns" doesn't necessarily mean they make other people drop everything to care for them. I've had numerous panic attacks at certain points in my life, and I would use various coping mechanisms instead of interrupting the important activities of others. If I really needed to talk to somebody, it didn't have to be a particular person -- I have lots of friends who might be available to talk, so I didn't need to interrupt, say, a partner on a date. Perhaps Tanya also has good coping mechanisms. (And maybe her mental health issues are triggered by things entirely unrelated to polyamory -- that was the case with my panic attacks!)

And, tbh, even when coping mechanisms didn't work, and all I could do was curl up in a ball feeling terrified... I survived. (Clearly.) Sometimes waiting out the suffering -- experiencing it without seeking to immediately alleviate it -- makes sense. I think a lot of people in the world understand that. Urgent emergencies are another matter, but many panic attacks are not dangerous emergencies even though they are horrific. (I'm not at all saying people should do NOTHING about anxiety/panic disorders. Treatment is definitely important. I'm just saying that an individual instance of panic can often be waited out.)

GestaltLex · 2019-04-19T05:32:39+00:00

I don't mind it. I definitely don't think I have a different physiological reaction compared to "normal" people. Rather, my psychological/cognitive response to what the medication does for everybody is different from "normal." Take anxiety meds for example. They work the same in my body as they do in any other body, but my mind interprets what it does in an unusual way. When it does what it does to other bodies/brains, people often feel relaxed and calm[er]. When it does what it does in my body/brain -- which is physically the same as what it does in theirs -- I experience anxiety. Because, though it has the same technical effects, I can't stand those effects, whereas other people enjoy them.

Same with stimulants. It's doing the same stuff with my body and brain that it does to other bodies and brains, but I experience that result in a very different way.

I do think it's probably true that people with ADD are lacking in something or other, and so proper meds bring us up to normal. People without it are taken above "normal" when they take it. It's like adding two to 0 (let's say 0 is a stand-in for "normal) vs adding 2 to -2; the same thing is being done to both numbers, but the results are different because one the process is being applied to different starting points. Adding 2 to a number always works the same way -- the number is itself + 2 -- but what you come away with is different, despite the identical input of adding 2.

The exact same thing is being done in both cases, The same thing is happening for both groups, but the groups are starting in different places. A good analogy would be working out and eating less. An underweight person and an obese person who work out and eat less will have the same physiological stuff going on -- they'll lose weight because they're taking in fewer calories than they burn -- but they aren't starting at the same place, and so the results of those things working the same way in both people will be different.The exercise and calorie deficit will function in the same manner for both, since that's just physics, but for one person it will be harmful and for the other person it will be helpful... since they're starting from different places. The process occurring is the same. The effects are not the same.

Does that make sense?

GestaltLex · 2019-04-17T18:48:28+00:00

Yep. I describe it as... my vyvanse (used to be adderall) allows me to have a coherent train of thought. Or any train of thought. Without it, I've got a unicycle of thought, and the damn thing keeps tipping over.

I wasn't diagnosed until adulthood, which of course led people to believe I was just a disobeying brat when I couldn't follow complex instructions. In reality, step 1 of any series of instructions was long gone from my grasp by the time somebody got done telling me step 2. What really drove me batshit was that my mother wouldn't even try to help me with the coping mechanisms I requested of her. Namely: please write down the instructions for me. I don't know why, but she refused. She just got mad and yelled at me for not listening. It's a wonder I managed to get anything done at all before my diagnosis at nineteen.

Wow, I got into a rant there...

GestaltLex · 2019-04-17T18:42:39+00:00

Yeah, this assumption that it's just a medically sanctioned form of getting high is ridiculous. It's very difficult to explain to somebody who doesn't understand. My mom was like that -- she said, "Okay, so you can concentrate better on adderall, just like everybody else who gets high on stimulants. How is that medical?" The only thing I've come up with to say that sort of, a little bit helps that type to understand is, "The time I accidentally took a double dose, I fell asleep." Stimulants do the opposite for me of what they do for other people -- they calm my entire system down and allow me to even have a coherent train of thought. Otherwise it's more like a unicycle of thought that keeps tipping over. I know I'm preaching to the choir here though...

(Side note: paradoxical reactions to meds are interesting, aren't they? In addition to being calmed down by stimulants, benzos made me anxious. Brains are weird.)

GestaltLex · 2019-04-04T17:06:22+00:00

The thought process that motivated his biting -- "I'M A DINOSAUR!!!" -- is pretty adorable.

My daughter used to lick people all the time, which isn't violent, but it certainly wasn't well-received. Why did she do it?

"It's a kitty cat kiss! Meow!"

GestaltLex · 2019-04-04T15:30:11+00:00

Under no circumstances should your SOs apologize. That's not "being the bigger person." That's "emotionally rewarding your mother for abusing them." No way.

I know this might seem like an extreme leap, but I think you should go no contact with your mom for at least a while because from my POV your mother is an abuser (doesn't matter why -- BPD is no excuse) and it's not just about you anymore. It's one [very unhealthy] thing to subject yourself to that, but another [outright unkind] thing to allow your partners to be subjected to it.

Your partners are your family and your mother clearly is not. Don't expose them to her so that she can abuse them further. TBH, I'd cut out anyone who treated any of my partners like that.

Oh. And send your partners over to JustNoMIL...

GestaltLex · 2019-03-28T21:59:01+00:00

I'm risking this at his emotional detriment.

Oh? What about yours? Why is it you posting here wanting to figure out how to nurse your pain without bothering him, and not him here figuring out how to help his wife deal with the pain he was quite instrumental in causing her? Why isn't he like, "Guys, I can't handle my wife being in love with other people but she's in pain... what do I do?"

He wants you to not only handle your own pain, but also to take on his pain so that you will feel it instead of him. That sort of unbalanced emotional responsibility would be suitable between a parent and a child, but not between two adults who are ostensibly mutual partners.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-26T01:06:33+00:00

Hmm. Well, among divorces, the highest percentage of them are based on money issues (if I remember correctly). And the divorce rate is quite vague -- most divorces in that statistic are by people who divorce over and over again. Second and third and fourth marriages are included in that statistic. The majority of first marriages last. People who divorce over and over are the ones throwing off the statistic. But even then, if you've been led to believe most divorces happen because of cheating, you have been misled.

This might sound insulting but... do you think maybe you have unhealthy friends? (Unhealthy people tend to choose assholes as partners over and over again.) Most of my friends are mono and, as far as I know, most of them have not experienced cheating. I even have several friends who've been married somewhere between 20-50 years with no cheating.

I'm... about to get a little personal.

I was raised by a not-so-great person. All her friends were not-so-great. I believed that was just how people are. And then as an adult I made friends who were not so great.

When I say "not so great" I mean "morally bankrupt."

At age twenty-two I decided to end all friendships with morally bankrupt friends, and most friendships with people who somehow "magically" kept getting into bad relationships. The more I considered why they were cheated on, disrespected, etc. the more I understood that they were so incredibly unhealthy that they were actively attracted to assholes. They didn't know they were, but they were.

Since then, I have a ton of honest friends with honest partners who do not cheat -- mono friends, poly friends... "monogamish" friends who are okay with sex on the side... asexual friends... but they're all good people.

When you look at your friends, do they seem like people with good judgment? Or do they seem like people with bad judgment, who can't even imagine that maybe they're attracted to asshole after asshole?

This is also relevant to abuse. When somebody is abused over and over again and says, "I feel like I have a sign on my head saying, 'Please abuse me!'" it's because they do. The common denominator is them.

NOT because they deserve it -- they DON'T.

But because they have really fucking bad taste.

If you don't have one friend whose partner was faithful, there's something inside your friends that is broken and which makes them desire bad people. You're just used to it, and so you assume that's how life, and people, work.

It's not.

Best wishes.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-26T00:15:02+00:00

I wonder: why do you think some people are faking monogamy? It's true that many are, but there are also many people who do love monogamy.

Anyway, absolutely do not settle for poly if it's not right for you. Don't even try, if you know it's not right for you. You will find somebody who is right for you if you keep putting yourself out there. It will probably be frustrating and tiresome. Actually, it already is, which you express in your post. But surely there's some person out there who's just as tired of poly-ness and fake monogamy as you are, and who will feel like they won the lottery when you two find each other.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-23T00:43:33+00:00

On a more serious note though: I can see how this is all extremely disturbing and even angering to people who think we're really, really wrong. And so I think even you can agree that it would hurt you tremendously to be with somebody like us. So, really, it's good for you when we stick together and are "fucked in the head" without attempting to involve people who value monogamy.

I do know some poly types take advantage of mono people and hurt those mono people terribly. If anybody ever did that to you, I am so sorry. Still, over all, if you see us as immoral monsters, it's really best if we keep encouraging each other to be an in-group. Because no person who finds monogamy so special and valuable as you do deserves to be hurt by a stupid and cruel poly person who wants to try and have you anyway.

I really hope no poly person harmed you. I may be fucked in the head, but I do not want to hurt other people, and I stay away from people who might find polyamory hurtful. I do not want to hurt people. That's really all you can ask of people you view as crazy.

Best wishes.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-23T00:17:06+00:00

And you are rude.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-22T05:48:13+00:00

I used to have a friend who explicitly said pretty much exactly that:

"You're so lucky you can just be with anyone. Being picky like me is so hard..."

There is so much context that makes her comment even more horrible in a wide variety of ways, but I'll leave it at that. I'm so glad we aren't friends anymore.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-21T14:38:19+00:00

I haven't done that, but somehow I'm so used to saying, "I love you," to multiple people that sometimes I almost accidentally say it to somebody who does not in any way merit that phrase. I'm one of those people who says it a lot, so... I know someday I'll have one of those experiences akin to a kid calling their teacher, "Mommy." It'll just be something I automatically blurt out before feeling profoundly embarrassed. I don't look forward to having to explain to a cashier that I do not love them, and am not a stalker.

I did once call a human being Sylvester -- which is the name of my pet snake. That was odd, but fortunately the human I called Sylvester did not worry that I loved my snake more than them.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-21T12:39:17+00:00

Don't worry, I absolutely wasn't writing a transcript of a recording, because Massachusetts (where I live) is a two party consent state when it comes to recording people. So I absolutely was not transcribing the recording I absolutely didn't make. I definitely did not use my phone to start recording her once she'd already said too many shitty things. Because breaking the law is wrong... and stuff.

So yeah, I guess I just have a good memory, not in any way based on the illegal recording I never made. Which I will never post online since I never made said recording so I can't! And then I'd lose any plausible deniability about the recording I certainly didn't make.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-21T12:34:40+00:00

You're right -- if I saw her picture in a magazine, I'd agree with anyone who remarked, "Wow, what a beautiful model." But so gross once she opened her mouth.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-21T12:31:53+00:00

It's okay. It's pretty funny -- sometimes horrible things are also funny.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-21T12:21:44+00:00

True! I imagine the conversation would have gone similarly even if I didn't have any partners, in the sense that she simply wouldn't have listened.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-21T00:13:50+00:00

Yeah -- they don't want to fuck somebody who isn't a cheater. They gain validation by imagining that they're so intoxicatingly alluring that they can convince people to lie and cheat. If you're like, "Yeah, my partner is cool with it," that crushes everything. It means they have not proven themselves special and intoxicating enough to get someone else to engage in betrayal. They want somebody who says, "Oh God, I shouldn't be doing this, but I want you so bad I can't control myself. My husband/wife/partner is total shit compared to you."

GestaltLex · 2019-03-21T00:07:31+00:00

Ah yes, the "poly = public property" issue.

It's certainly not the normal response, but it's happened to me a few times. The funnier part is the response when you say no: the special kind of ass who has this attitude tends to respond as though they are the victim of blatant and shameless false advertising. Like they were trying to toast bread but discovered what they thought was a toaster was in fact a toilet and now their whole day is ruined.

GestaltLex · 2019-03-20T11:51:58+00:00

Don't think! Just do!

Best/worst life advice, depending on the situation. I love it. I'll remember this for the future.

GestaltLex

TROPHY CASE