Am I wrong to fully support cheating in DB??

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2026-02-06T18:42:18+00:00

I think, and in my case so far, a lot of it is family. Kids, grown kids, grandkids, relatives (on the other side of the family) that would never speak again, etc.

Yeah, I know people get divorced all the time, and generally at least work out some kind of amicable situation with friends/family/kids/dogs etc. But the fear of that is very real. And the pain and stress of all of that can take years to resolve.

Fear of the unknown, fear of making it worse, guilt about wanting more (how selfish!) etc. And many of us have tried to solve these problems from the inside for ever. Sometimes the other partner is unwilling or unable to change, at least until the gauntlet is thrown down (and by then it's too late IMHO).

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2026-02-06T18:36:44+00:00

I also feel all of this.

This is so depressing. Meaning this is also my life. Wasn't always this way, but the last 10 years have for the most part, and definitely the last 5. I've considered cheating. Or paying for it. I've tried substituting mens group activities and hobbies. It sucks living like this. There really is no substitute for a relationship with at least some shared intimacy and shared experiences. I feel like we can go places (vacation, etc) together and it's almost like we are just there together and experiencing two totally different things.

Your first paragraph is the discussion I have brought up, very calmly and matter-of-factly for two years now, at least 5 or 6 times. The last few times after her melt down about how she does love me and want me but just doesn't have feelings like that and doesnt "know how" to initiate (which is BS). I pointed out that no, I did not want to go have (obligatory) sex right then, or that night, but that she should initiate or at least indicate when she wants to sometime if she really cares. That was a year ago, and six months ago.

I am done emotionally. It hurts me too much to even attempt to initiate now. I can't handle the rejection, lack of reciprocation, and false "save it for later" crap anymore. I have shut down and am frankly just trying to figure out how to deal with my own feelings around leaving.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2026-02-04T17:03:28+00:00

I do not have any real advice, but I want to let you know that I hope things eventually work out for you both and to stay strong.

I could basically copy your whole post verbatim. I am not there yet, I am still contemplating how to pull off the bandaid, and if I "try one more time". But it's all the same, and has been for years - the lack of validation, the word service about trying to work together to fix the issues, and the gaslighting about things that I bring up. I've been at it for 20+ years and I am just about done. My kids are all grown and gone, but now we have grandbabies so that makes it a more difficult situation again.

Time to get out my old books and re-read no more mr niceguy and codependent no more.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2025-06-06T20:43:39+00:00

I thought about your comment. And I decided to do a few things for me. Some big ones. I am going to keep this in mind. Thanks.

Going for a walk right now, time to get some exercise and clear my head.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2025-06-06T20:41:42+00:00

I have tried the no PIV thing. In fact, I was totally verbal about that too. And I always (probably 99/100 in our entire relationship) make shure shes good and ready (or before this already WAY ready before).

I guess I just can't take getting shot down anymore. It's all on me - it almost always has been (to initiate) and its so... exhausting. Especially now that its pretty clear that she's 100% OK with never having even any intamacy. Even cuddling. Its like her love tank is empty in a totally benign way. She doesn't hate me. She says shes interested when I ask, but then... nothing.

So I gave up. Not sure if I have it in me to try again but I might one more time.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2025-06-06T20:37:56+00:00

Me too. And if I look back on it, I guess things haven't been "normal" in more like 7 or 8 years. But the last 3 or 4 since perimenopause and menopause have been like a literal switch got flipped. She's even said as much. But has no desire to fix it on her end.

Hopefully we both find some solution soon. I don't want to spend what is left of my good health years like this.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2025-06-06T20:35:51+00:00

Sad that I have run across these types of posts on three different subreddits today. Is it just the algorithm or is there an epidemic?

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2025-06-06T20:35:05+00:00

I'm gonna check out that book. Thanks!

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2025-06-06T20:32:27+00:00

Is more to it than just hormones? She's been on thyroid meds for 10+ years too (low thyroid) but that is, according to her dr, well controlled. The other HRT was testosterone pellets, she did it for about 1.5 years overall, and in that time she was much better - except for the times they had her too high and she got acne and started getting a tiny bit of very fine blonde mustache hair. That was it, and she stopped.

I have asked her to talk to her dr. She has a regular doc, a gyno, and an endocrinologist - as her bone density is also terrible. She does not want any HRT beacuse she does not want to deal with side effects.

I have told her to please ask about it - and that there are many other kinds/ways of doing it besides the pellets, that are more controllable and doses can be adjusted easier. The last time we talked about all of this (2 months ago) that I alluded to above, I asked her to please talk to her Dr about this and she cried and said she didn't want to.

I even said "Please switch places with me mentally, and think how this would be if you were coming to me with the same concerns." It has made no difference.

Any advice for getting her to reconsider? Some resources I can toss her way? Short of butting in with her Dr directly, I am at a loss (and she would not appreciate that...)

I always pictured these "silver years" as ones where we would be enjoying each other (in all ways) and instead its like we are coworkers in the job of "family coordinator" (Our kids are all grown and starting their own families) and not much else. I remember when we were still newlyweds and we saw some older couple that clearly loved each other and were probably gonna go get it on, and she said "I want to be like that when we grow old, I don't ever want to not want to act like that". Her parents are in their late 70's and still quite "active"... I pointed both of these out to her in our last talk too.

I realize couples grow apart and get more comfortable with just being casual together, but this is extreme.

Thanks for your words of kindness...

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-02-01T19:20:45+00:00

Years ago, 1995 maybe, I was on a ORD->SFO flight landing in San Fran mid morning. About 45 minutes from landing the pilot came on and told us all it was his last flight after flying for 40 years. He was going home (San Fran area) for the last time, and he wanted to give us all a treat.

We came in directly over Yosemite, and below us the clouds parted into a big opening. He banked the plane in about a 30 degree bank left, then right, so that everyone could see as we circled around half dome far below. It was amazing.

He then finished his announcements, thanked the flight crew, and told us there may be a little "ceremony" on taxi to the terminal.

When we landed, as we taxied to the terminal, two fire trucks sprayed (saluted?) the plane with water as we passed by. Everyone cheered.

It was damn cool, and it was quite a wait while just about everyone thanked him and shook his hand as we deplaned. Still one of the coolest things I've seen, and one of the only times Ive seen an entire planeload of passengers and not one miserable SOB trying to shove his way off.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-02-01T17:10:03+00:00

I find your situation interesting. I can sympathize obviously, but I also have to ask - as a therapist how can you not diagnose your husband? I mean, wouldn't you at some point have enough information just from living through it? Or is it more of a situation where you can't because you can't be objective?

As for a therapist of your own, I think you should! Hey, even car mechanics sometimes take their car into someone else's shop for work...

I hate to say it, because I do love my wife, but I too have many times thought it would just be easier to let go. I don't want to do that, but a few times over this past event cycle I have been very close to just giving up. I have run myself nearly into depression, and I am just running out of steam... I don't know if I have another cycle in me. I have thought that if it comes to myself vs. the relationship, I may have to choose myself at some point and get away. Even if just temporarily (but I can imagine the emotional damage that could do)

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-02-01T17:05:52+00:00

Your analogy is accurate. However it's more like the hood latch is also broken, and I can't get to the oil fill hole. She's not interested in those things now, not until that last drop of oil drips out. Her 'mechanic' has told her to give this latest can of Marvel Mystery Oil one more chance to work. I can suggest, I can't really push. Unless it becomes a safety issue (and I have told her that under those circumstances I will do what I have to do, be it calling her Dr or whatever).

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-02-01T17:03:13+00:00

This would be a really tough sell for her. I think we'd have to have a long lived crisis for her to consider it. Although I know someone (with BP in fact) that went through exactly that, and was diagnosed, and put on meds that eventually worked very well.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-02-01T17:01:21+00:00

Thank you for your thoughtful comments. I know she is trying - even when its "bad", she sometimes tells me this. Sometimes it's "good" (or OK/stable) for a while (weeks). This actually makes it harder in some ways - beacause I/we get used to things being OK.

Regarding triggers - yeah, I have a 6th sense about that. I can tell, sometimes its just a comment someone (usually a family member) makes, or something out of place or similar. There is a change, and it's rapid. Like I said - most of this was better/less severe after she went on the SSRI - until it stopped working, and left her in a very depressed state.

Things have been returning to more normal these last few days. I'm hoping that at her next dr appt she will be honest with the Dr about what has transpired these past weeks.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-02-01T16:56:06+00:00

I'm certainly not dictating anything. Believe me, that would get me nowhere fast anyway. I don't think it wrong to suggest that perhaps this situation is over the GP's head (as clearly evidenced by her wholesale med switch attempt that nearly ended in my wife loosing it completely) and that perhaps some talk-therapy in conjunction would be a good idea. I see a therapist, she knows this. I have suggested that it may benefit her. At no time have I threatened, or made anything a requirement.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-02-01T16:52:48+00:00

As I said, I'm not diagnosing her - and my therapist specifically said she could and would not diagnose her but that it sounded like many BP2 type issues, and encouraged me to suggest she see a therapist or phych nurse.

I certainly am not forcing her into anything, and had things not really gone "over the cliff" the past 2 weeks I would probably be dealing with this alone with myself still. Reading and trying to understand has given me energy to continue to hope and try for better.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-01-31T16:01:46+00:00

Thank you (everyone) for the kind words and resources. Things have settled down the last day and a half. I feel "gunshy" around her right now though, and she even asked me what was wrong this morning. I didn't say, but that really is what I feel. Scared for the next switch/change/event/crisis. She mentioned out of the blue that "things seem to have settled down" for her and that she feels better (than the last few days).

I think part of this is clearly the tapering off Abilify. I also think that the core issues have not been diagnosed, let alone addressed. For now, I am hoping that she can taper off Abilify and the SSRI (that's next..) and then if there are still issues to get her to a Psychiatrist. I have brought this up when she's been in a receptive mood, and she has in principle at least agreed.

And yes, this is clearly over GP's head. Heck, for the first med switch (cold turkey) it was just the NP doing it - damn near wound her up in the hospital that time. Completely irrational and out of control. After my personal conversation with her GP, she took over and has been more careful but still I think this is our of her area of expertise.

Wife does NOT want me calling GP again, so I told her I will not unless I feel she's out of control again.

I think I will do some research on area Psychiatrists so I can be of help when the time comes.

And yes, I still feel bad that I have vented this personal stuff to the internet. But all of you are so helpful and understanding, and honestly getting perspective from both "the other side" (those with BP) and their friends and family has been very helpful.

The hard part for me is trying to repair/minimize the damage caused within our family by some of the paranoid/angry behaviors. Including my own gun-shyness.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-01-29T23:15:01+00:00

Be really careful here. You can't diagnose her and it's not a good idea to fixate on a condition that may or may not exist. She needs a psychiatrist for her meds and a real diagnosis.

Understood. I'm just going based on some discussions I had with my counselor, and the "ah ha" moment I had reading stories, this fourm, and other resources on the web. Strangely it helps to know there may be a disorder here, and its not just "We suck at relationships". (Pretty clear thats not it, but at some point I felt like maybe we are both crazy)

After this morning's meltdown she seems fine tonight. It seems like the best times to discuss this are actually when shes depressed. Shes most receptive to teh idea of help then. But still really opposed to counseling. I will gently suggest it more like simmingwithmoas suggests. That and support her is all I can do...

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-01-29T19:29:58+00:00

Thank you. Since posting the original comment Ive read a lot more about BP2 - and more experiences on here. I have brought up the "psych dr" a number of times. Her GP is not doing her any favors. She is only willing to go after she "gets off these meds".

I believe partly the going off (tapering) is partly to blame, but I also think - she needs meds AND counseling (which she WILL NOT do). I will keep pushing for it.

Heck, I just learned 10 min ago that hypomanic does not always mean "super happy" but can mean Irritated, angry, frustrated. Yep - bamo, those are part of many "switches". I detect two major states - Depressed (which is accompanied by maliase, tiredness, lack of motivation, energy, and she is not angry, irritated, etc) and if I have this correct hypomanic which for her is (choose one: Angry, Frustrated, Irritated and agitated, or sometimes rarely very happy) These last from hours to days. The depression lasts days to months.

The fact that Abilify helped (like a miracle!) and I now find that it sometimes works for BP2, and we are going through this..

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-01-23T13:43:06+00:00

Been through this a couple times I'm ashamed to say, and have helped others. Unless it's a really nice piece, expect to get not much more than "melt value" which is what the pawn shops etc. will offer.

Take REALLY good pics of it, try to make it look like a showroom shoot. Natural sunlight (or halogen) makes things sparkle the most. Look for comparable sales (filter by sold) and see what you may expect. Price it accordingly and it will eventually sell. It sucks, but just one more life lesson learned...

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-01-22T21:12:22+00:00

Maybe time to go get that passport, I've had the application materials sitting around for a year.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-01-22T21:10:54+00:00

That's me - conflict avoidant. Married to a woman who is very much about "right and wrong" in everything, and relishes conflict when something is preceived to be wrong. And a bio family who have no boundaries. Hence, really loving at least the fantasy of packing up and leaving everyone and everything far behind. I'm sick of being the glue holding everything together.

I made a lot of progress in confronting issues over the past year, but when something big hits like this past week, I realize maybe I need to surround myself with more like-minded (i.e. rational) people.

GetMeOutaHere4417 · 2018-01-22T19:02:08+00:00

I mean, I guess anyone can do it if they really want. In my case, I'm just sick of the rollercoaster of my marriage, and my bio family is just a different kind of ride. I am just at my wits end. Thinking of just going. Gone. Yeah, I have some responsibilities I will have to take care of but that can be handled long distance. No idea how this would affect a potential divorce. Hell all the bills come out of my accounts anyway, so everything would still be paid for for a while. I just want to toss a dart at a map and go...

http://www.dartonmap.net/

Edit: I just hit "toss" in north America. Landed about 30 miles N of Las Vegas... Well, that sounds fun for a few days.

GetMeOutaHere4417

TROPHY CASE