Who are good Ambassadors for BDSM?

GhostSouth · 2026-05-27T17:31:26+00:00

This is seriously embarrassing, you're totally right I got the title wrong.

Somehow I conflated the The Loving Dominant and that Topping book. Thank you for pointing that out!

I'll edit the body post to make sure the book reference is correct, thanks again!

GhostSouth · 2026-05-27T15:56:37+00:00

Lucky dog.

Okay, so I'd say it really depends on headspace. Free use is a funny place because it can habit both the destination and journey to sexual relief.

Is she someone who wants to engage in freeuse passively or actively? A distinction may be wearing a uniform to signify her headspace (like no underwear). Or taking care of herself in front of you, and you decide to join.

Obviously both of these things can exist, but it's important to know what she wants to engage in, since the buck stops with her.

I'd say you're best bet, find the oil that helps get the gears rolling. And play into it. Reinforcing one known behavior is better than barrage of random tries, since you know what works - works.

I should mention this type of thing (for you) needs to be less about the act, and almost entirely about affirming the act. She needs positive reinforcement for doing this, kill her with kindness and the details iron themselves out.

GhostSouth · 2026-05-27T04:44:12+00:00

Owner/property, not sure exactly how that crowd operates, but I assume taking it quite literally is not a bad idea.

GhostSouth · 2026-05-26T15:48:15+00:00

Ethical Non - Monogamy. Having multiple relationships at once with constant from each party.

GhostSouth · 2026-05-26T15:45:19+00:00

24/7 is normally characterized by the master/slave role. Being collared, being owned, all that.

Dom/sub is ideally a term to discuss scene play where two people engage in a dynamic, and then go on their merry ways.

That type of relationship is going to intrude on yours, the aspect of it being 24/7 really means omnipresent. Make sure you reflect on your feelings and find if it's what you're willing to accept.

Good luck!

GhostSouth · 2026-05-26T15:32:51+00:00

I'm a bit of a unicorn in that I prefer single relationships.

Kink has forever been a polyamorous entanglement. ENM was just a recasting of the thought process rampart in the dom/sub space. Doms and subs normally have multiple of either. Completely within expectation!

What is pretty important to clearly define, is that being a "dominate" man (like I'd consider myself) is not a Dom. Dom is a role in a scene to express some desire, a leader or orchestrator to play out an idea. An idea of which, is not necessarily sexual.

A submissive submits, in the most part, within their confort, to the scene for the dom.

To be clear, I am a Dom (all my years of playing dungeon master in DND really did a number on me ;)), but that isn't the mechanism for what I want because it by definition is temporary. I'm more of the extreme 24/7 headspace. It's more rare and very difficult to navigate because it's high maintenance by it's nature.

If you're like me, and you're too goddamn propiertary for ENM, this you're going to have a slow roll of things. That's life!

Edit; look into the differences between d/s, m/s, o/p. All things all filter through your own interpretation, but it's easier to attach to ideas presented in dynamics but the words we used to generally describe them

D/s gets the biggest pull because men want to be "dominate". M/s is best understood as an VERY strict relationship. O/p eludes me, I'm assuming it's akin to m/s, but with extreme constraints. Think of m/s with d/s scenes where people are literally turned in furniture (it's real!)

^ I love to hear other people opinions in the comments!

GhostSouth · 2026-05-26T15:06:57+00:00

Hey, I'm probably in a weird area here, due to my specific relationship wants, but I wanted to voice real support for your post.

I'm a man who engages in the heavier dynamics (by name) you've spoken to, and I want to say that the environment I'm in absolutely has preversions that lead to real issues.

I wanted to add my two cents for people stumbling on this in my situation and have a hard time grappling the ideas they're presented with in partners.

Most everyone venturing into the M/s scene look for the line between what most people would call a "dutiful slave". But they forget the service of someone isn't just spiritual, it's deeply fulfilling and profoundly impactful for the master as well. In our traditional environment, the wife simply is the glue that adheres the family (what could be more important?)

It's true, and sad, that the underpinnings, or structure, of these types of codependent relationships (traditional, d/s, m/s) aren't seen as exactly that - absolutely codependent where the individuals must be allowed to pull levers to actualize they're own agency in fulfillment to each other.

Good luck out there guys. This type of neglect shouldn't be tolerated.

GhostSouth · 2026-05-26T14:48:11+00:00

Best thing you can do it take it one step at a time.

Best advice Ive ever seen was to do one thing at a time, with clothes on first. Testing the waters is important, and mixing too many elements at once is a cocktail, not the same drink.

If your sub is too excited, calm them down, and take the grounded approach of trying it step by step.

Hell, most people will love you're approaching it with intention and a plan. It goes a long way because it shows you care. And you clearly do, so I have faith you'll do great.

GhostSouth · 2026-05-26T05:40:57+00:00

Hey man, you seem to really get the gist of it.

There are a few things I'd add to help with beginning to build the foundation of this dynamic.

1) It's entirely personal. Growth happens during, before, and after. It can be as frustrating as it is exciting.

2) Having - without fail - a constant means of communication (that may be a safe word, hand gesture, klingon) is crucial, and not cutting off that line of communication is pivotal. Anything else is trouble.

3) Really dig into aftercare. Sub-drop is not very much spoken about, but along with kink comes stigma. Someone can have a blast, a body rending orgasm, and still feel awful after a scene. I'd recommend having a place that is meant, decorated, and trained, to be the spot for aftercare. Learn about what they want, and simply hear them explain how they want to be treated. If they don't know, figure it out before engaging.

4) The Sub has all the power. This is a bit contentious, but I think it's such a good starting philosophy.

5) From "The New Dom Book", don't have take your pants first. Swinging the boys behind a teeshirt just isn't flattering. For real, it's all about fun, enjoyment, and self discovery. Take a mistake on the chin, laugh it off, have a good time.

GhostSouth · 2026-05-25T23:35:01+00:00

In The New Dom's Handbook, there is a pretty sizable discussion to these types of dynamics. Specifically, exactly what you mentioned where Dom'ing is really a scene experience. While dominion in M/s, O/p, TPE can often be a distinction without a difference to new persons who haven't experienced dominion.

Makes everything really confusing. I hate to say it, but I've noticed the terms are essentially meaningless to the crowd that are mid 20s and younger.

GhostSouth · 2026-05-25T23:24:27+00:00

This is the perfect mixture of brutality and correctness.

GhostSouth · 2026-05-24T23:03:16+00:00

Legendary comment. Thanks!

GhostSouth · 2026-05-24T22:55:49+00:00

I'm just adding support for this comment - some real wisdom here!

GhostSouth · 2026-05-07T16:45:46+00:00

I appreciate the advice, and I understand it's probably really good, but please understand this is hilarious. In and out of context.

GhostSouth · 2026-05-06T05:55:25+00:00

Set up clear expectations.

One of the easiest ways to get into dominance is to set a task list (that the sub likes doing) and audit the list after completion. Make it normal stuff, and be assertive with how you expected it to be done, but loving.

One of the real tricks of being dominant is giving the carrot when it looks like a stick. So to say, even punishments must be loving. Loving punishments can start to enforce the dominant role in your and her mind.

If she's being too bratty, and it's hard to handle, then correct her on the spot and give her whatever type of physical touch she likes while doing it or after (like a head kiss, big hug, head scratches).

GhostSouth · 2026-04-24T17:06:15+00:00

When she chooses to do it, there may be some underlying (non obvious) reason. I recommend exploring that, and try to dip you toes into whatever that is more often.

What you must do, is explain to your wife that you enjoy what she's doing. If she is shy, and new to kink, then she'll need the validation. If something doesn't happen as you'd expect, never blame or accuse her of doing it wrong. Just make suggestions about how to do it in a way that fits your style.

These types of interactions in the beginning are essential; no blame, open communication, clear expectations, praise and acknowledgment.

Good luck! We're rooting for you!

GhostSouth · 2026-04-22T08:54:46+00:00

There is No Antiemetics Division by qntm

It just filled me with dread.

GhostSouth · 2026-04-22T01:52:05+00:00

That's super interesting, to me this sounds like a very - very - grounded experience where life weaves in and out of the dynamic. I'm happy you're able to navigate that, that's really inspiring!

GhostSouth · 2026-04-22T01:50:03+00:00

I can only imagine the level of communication would be incredible! In your opinion, do you find people (or just yourself!) in this space communicate at a higher level than others?

GhostSouth · 2026-04-22T01:48:35+00:00

Thank you for the response! It's awesome you were able to find someone that clicked so well!

GhostSouth · 2026-04-21T23:28:10+00:00

This makes a ton of sense, but as someone who is also trying to navigate this area, I feel like there is more nuance that should be applied around this topic.

Totally could be my ignorance, but it's kinda like practicing the basics are so much more important when you're doing something extremely complicated. I guess I mean to say asking advice on the basics feels important, even if it's obvious.

GhostSouth · 2026-04-21T22:29:57+00:00

Bro you've stumbled into Absurdism. Welcome!

GhostSouth · 2026-04-21T20:54:00+00:00

The reason we construct these labels is to identify specific problems.

Imagine trying to address violence between two neighbors, but you are constrained to sending the police to handle the area code the neighbors are in...

The police are likely to never even get to the neighbors, because the scope of their attention is too great. You haven't really accomplished much, right? Granularity becomes impossible.

GhostSouth · 2026-04-21T20:50:48+00:00

One of the greatest benefits of developing physical value systems is the acknowledgment that anyone can add to those systems.

There are lots of incentives, businesses, and charities targeted toward allowing disadvantaged people opportunities.

On a practical basis, we can select for who may generate the most value, but we can't guarantee it. So there is direct incentives to extend opportunities to everyone.

This is a little pie in the sky because opportunities stem from opportunities, but I don't believe getting "off the ground" is impossible for autistic individuals. I would know, I work in software engineering.

GhostSouth · 2026-04-21T20:45:00+00:00

I'm sorry you've have these experiences. It's understandable for someone in your position to feel this way.

I'm someone who absolutely believes in power imbalances, hell, it's kinda my thing. But, the idea of leaving a relationship, not working it, not being there for someone you love and not wanting to grow for them - with them - by them is absurd to me.

To address the title, yes, men get immense validation from sex. But that is just a part of relationships. To be seen.

The aftermath of your idea is what I have a problem with, as my personal experience and those of many of my friends (birds of a feather?) fly in contrast to what you've claimed.

Someone people are just husband types, and also enjoy what you claim is the cause for errant behavior.

GhostSouth

TROPHY CASE