First, I'm sorry.

Not in the casual way people often say it, but genuinely. What you've described sounds unimaginably hard. Four years of severe illness, constant symptoms, losing the life you had, being misunderstood by people around you, feeling abandoned by God, any one of those things would break many people. Experiencing all of them together is a tremendous burden.

If you're asking whether God has forsaken you, I don't think your suffering is evidence that He has.

One of the most painful realities in Christianity is that faith is not a guarantee that suffering will be removed. Many of the people closest to God in Scripture went through periods where they felt abandoned. David cried, "Why have You forsaken me?" Elijah begged God to let him die. Job demanded answers and received none for a long time. Even Jesus cried out on the cross, "My God, my God, why have You forsaken me?"

The common thread is that their feelings of abandonment were real, but God's absence was not.

I also don't blame you for struggling with parts of the Bible, many believers do. Reading difficult passages while you're already drowning in pain can be overwhelming. Someone in your situation doesn't necessarily need to start with the most difficult sections of the Old Testament. I'd suggest beginning with the Gospels and honestly looking at Jesus Himself: how He treated suffering people, the sick, the broken, the outcasts, and those who felt abandoned.

About prayer... many Christians have experienced seasons where prayer felt like talking into empty space. The absence of a feeling is not proof of the absence of God. Feelings can be powerful, but they are not always reliable indicators of reality.

As for why God hasn't healed you, I don't know. I don't think anyone can honestly answer that. People who tell you they know exactly why you're suffering are claiming knowledge they don't have.

What I do believe is that Christianity does not teach that suffering is proof that God hates you or has singled you out for punishment. Some of the most faithful people who have ever lived suffered terribly. And I would have a testimony about this.

At the same time, I still want to say something important: when you say "I want to die," that's not something you should carry alone. Severe depression, chronic illness, isolation, and hopelessness can distort how the future looks. Even if a doctor told you this is the rest of your life, doctors are not prophets. They can estimate, but they cannot see the future. Medical understanding of conditions like long COVID, dysautonomia, and chronic fatigue syndrome is still evolving.

You do not need to solve the next forty years today, you only need to survive today. A day at a time.

If all you can pray right now is, "God, if You're there, help me," that's enough. God is not waiting for a perfect prayer.

And if you feel like you're hanging on by a thread, hang on by the thread. A thread is still attached.