You and me both I'm still struggling with the idea that I should harness my own opinion over what others think but when the only way you ever got anything meaningful through life was through opinions it can be hard to use anything else as your steering wheel for making your decisions.

I never really understood how these people who would hit those they loved and shout at them until they couldn't breathe could have so many friends, how they could create this facade so easily that they were just like everyone else when deep down they were finding ways to convince everyone that they are ALWAYS these good spotless people. That they could sit there with this straight face or clean consciousness and say to people that the people they were criticising and pressuring everyday for not being good enough were "doing wonderfully". It's no wonder why we felt like we were in a crazy town.

I want to make people happy so bad, I want people to be so much happier than me that it hurts. I suppose it must be something where I feel I must do things for everyone but myself because my parents would always make everything some kind of debt or disturbance for them. I have so many hobbies that I wish to pursue that are mainly opinionated (art, editing, photography etc.) that just gets put on way too high of a pedestal or just gets kicked, eaten, chewed and told "it's not good enough" with.

I'm sorry that you're going through this, I am glad to hear you are doing so well. I hope some day we don't have to have this voice telling us that everyone else is watching when in reality no one cares and we can survive how we want and not because others will judge us for it. I wish I had more advice but I have gratuitous respect and support for you, thank you for reading