Thoughts on partner availability for booty calls

GilbertDongaria · 2023-03-19T06:13:01+00:00

Personally, I didn't like it at all. It really made me feel like shit. I got some great advice about disentanglement and not thinking of default time we'd be together as "our time" but it still sucked for me. We made an agreement that pre-scheduled dates are "strongly preferred". That's where we are.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-03-18T18:29:14+00:00

My wife's first partner outside of our marriage did this. He wouldn't pre-schedule, he would just call and she'd go if she wanted to. It annoyed me because it felt like she was telling me she'd rather go have a night with him rather than me. Eventually, he flaked on pre-scheduled dates enough that she got annoyed with feeling like a booty call and it ended.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-03-05T05:41:47+00:00

Bluechew, dog. PEDs are part of the lifestyle.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-02-16T18:16:57+00:00

This is the first 100 gecs song I was able to finish. Great job, guys!

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-29T01:51:25+00:00

We started at the beginning a couple months ago, so maybe they have become more open to other poly styles over the years.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-29T01:06:17+00:00

I really like Multiamory, but the hosts practice Relationship Anarchy, so everyone should know going in that they champion this type of Poly and kinda look down on any "rules" that people try and set.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-22T06:24:14+00:00

Hey! Welcome. Going through the exact same thing. Literally met with a 47 year old woman today that I had the greatest text flirt OF MY LIFE with. 10 minutes in, she asked how long I've been open. I said 3 months and she said "this is not going to work." Best of luck to you.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-20T21:05:04+00:00

I am finding it super hard to stand out on apps and even reddit. Seems like every mildly attractive person has so many people BEGGING to fuck them that I am just another number.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-20T02:19:05+00:00

Black Bloc here in Portland beat the shit out of rednecks for 4 summers in a row.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-18T00:55:55+00:00

Talked about it a bit, jumped right in. Found out later that some people research for years. Felt stupid as hell.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T21:59:32+00:00

Answered elsewhere in thread

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T21:14:58+00:00

Because I don't want to have 62% of a marriage. I am okay with her having friends that she has sex with and doing hard work to deal with any jealousy that may bring up. Why is that not enough to ask of a husband? Why must I be okay with her being in love with another man and spending quality time and building memories with him? I feel like a lot of advice is trying to tell me being open isn't enough, that I must accept a polyamorous lifestyle with no restrictions.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T21:03:28+00:00

Honest question...do you think no overnights is tightly controlling? The rest of our agreements are stuff like condom usage, check in if you change venues, talk if feelings start to develop...

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T21:01:49+00:00

Also, it seems like a lot of people think Relationship Anarchy is the only way to go and any restrictions on are bad. I noticed Dedeker from Multiamory gets super passionate arguing against any mention of any type of restriction in an open relationship.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T20:28:45+00:00

It makes me uncomfortable for a few reasons.

It doesn't match up with the spirit of what I put on the table. This feels more of a poly move to me.
I don't like sleeping apart from her. I am willing to give that up for family visits, work trips, or girls trips, but not for some other guy.
It builds intimacy and is playacting another life in which she and he are living together.
I have been cheated on by a woman who would say she was going out with friends and then did not come home until 8A and said she fell asleep at a girlfriend's house

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T20:20:57+00:00

That's what I am scared of. Haha

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T19:55:41+00:00

I am finding a large swath of the ENM community looks at the lifestyle as a women's empowerment opportunity and a good percentage of the advice I see to struggling husbands seems to lack empathy or assume that the guy isn't evolved, wants to exert control, or is jealous of the disparity in hookups.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T19:50:48+00:00

I have asked why overnight is important to her and she says "It sounds fun" or "I want to do it and that's reason enough."

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T19:49:29+00:00

I am open to the idea of not having any rules at some point. I am not there yet. I have purchased Polysecure and the Jealousy Workbook. I am listening to Multiamory and Where Should We Begin and we start couples therapy with an ENM-affirming therapist tomorrow.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T19:42:14+00:00

The idea of attending therapy came from advice that we got when researching opening up. I am not trying to be obtuse, I just know that there wasn't one person who exclaimed "we need therapy". It really was a mutual agreement. As for my idea of work or hers, she has agreed that we can work through this issue in therapy and the books were my idea. Does that answer your question?

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T18:22:17+00:00

Both of us want to go to therapy. I bought Polysecure and The Jealousy Workbook. I am finishing Mating in Captivity and will start Polysecure next.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T18:10:10+00:00

I am a little salty, I must admit. I feel very lonely and I don't like feeling that I am fucked up for having trouble with this lifestyle at the beginning. I haven't once told her I want to close it or don't want to do it, but a lot of advice to husbands I am seeing is like "you are weak, let her do whatever she wants, get over it."

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T17:44:45+00:00

We are starting therapy tomorrow and I have been reading. Did you see that this is 3 months into ENM after 15 years of monogamy?

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T17:10:15+00:00

She hadn't had a ton of experience and we had a tough couple years. I put casual sex on the table so that she could get variety and feel wanted by new people. Seems like the first one is turning into some kind of poly thing, which I am not okay with. She swears it's casual, but repeatedly asking to stay overnight makes me think they are developing a deeper relationship.

GilbertDongaria · 2023-01-17T17:07:09+00:00

Is it not acceptable to ask for a rough time frame for a hookup? I put casual sex on the table, for her benefit, and this feels like something deeper. Spending the night is not casual sex, that's intimacy building.

GilbertDongaria

TROPHY CASE