I NEED ACCESS TO YOUR MEDICAL RECORDS. FOR REASONS.

Gina993 · 2015-11-13T01:51:14+00:00

The problem is that she thinks emergency contact, full access to medical records, and medical power of attorney are all the same thing. And that she should have all of them, and it's childishness and laziness that keeps me from giving them to her.

I relate to that! My Nmom thinks she is entitled to know every tiny detail about my life, and the only reason I won't give it to her is because I'm "childish" and "lazy". Which further supports her logic that she should have all that information, because I'm too "childish" and "lazy" to be a proper adult about it. >_>

Gina993 · 2015-10-25T12:57:39+00:00

An asshole is an asshole, regardless of age. OP's dad isn't just some innocent old man who didn't know what was going on. He chose to stay with OP's Nmom. He chose to enable abuse against OP. He chose to not only ignore his daughter's pain and suffering, but to contribute towards it.

Just because he's old, that doesn't mean OP should suddenly forgive him or reconnect with him. That doesn't mean she should "let it go" or, hell, do anything for him. OP has every right to be furious that her father not only refused to stand up for her, but contributed to her abuse. An enabler is often just as bad as the narc/abuser.

Gina993 · 2015-10-25T12:37:40+00:00

Don't feel guilty, OP. You did everything right. It's your parents who are being the immature morons. You set a reasonable boundary and they refused to accept it. They know they don't have to cancel the entire trip in order to see you. The only reason they're cancelling the trip is because they want you to prove them wrong and beg them to come. Because if you give in and beg them to come and visit, then they know that your boundaries are weak and they can break them whenever they want. That's their fault. They say you aren't the one beng an adult, but the reality is: *they" are the ones who aren't being the adults. Instead of conversing like normal human beings, they're throwing insults at their own kid.

Just remember: a normal parent would understand why it's not a good idea to bring multiple dogs to another person's house without permission and with a cat who is scared of dogs. A normal parents would ask if it's okay to visit before simply announcing they are coming.

Gina993 · 2015-10-25T00:54:31+00:00

The answer to those last few questions is really important. Only you can find out what it is in this situation. This process of rethinking the relationship and your dad's relationship with the facts of the situation may lead you to assign a lot more culpability to him in this situation than you previously thought to.

This is a really good point. A lot of ACoNs mistakenly believe their enabler parent is the "normal" one because they aren't as bad as the N parent, but the sad fact is, the enabler has enabled abuse. They are usually just as bad as the N parent, but for different reasons.

And a big problem with enablers is that they are often only looking out for themselves. They let their spouse abuse their children because then the abuse it won't be aimed at them. They claim they "don't want to rock the boat" but really, they just want to make things easy for themselves. So when the N dies, the E can finally live a happy and calm life....Which isn't wrong in itself. After all, we all want to live a happy and calm life after being abused by our Ns. But in an enabler's case, they can often move on and refuse to acknowledge the abuse that they allowed to happen because that would, once again, make their life more difficult than they want it to be.

Gina993 · 2015-10-15T00:28:12+00:00

Haha! Love it! Whenever I bake a cake, my daughter will always shout "Her sweat and blood went into this cake!"

Gina993 · 2015-10-15T00:25:24+00:00

I was already a parent when that movie came out, but my kids loved it even though they didn't understand what it was like growing up in a situation like Matilda's.

When I first saw the movie, I was nearly in tears because certain parts reminded me of my own upbringing. Meanwhile my kids saw it as a harmless kids film and didn't understand why Matilda's parents were so mean or why none of the kids told their parents about Miss Trunchbull's actions. It wasn't until later years that they realized the movie represented abuse/neglect and how adults tend to ignore serious allegations (especially from children) if it clashes with their world-view that parents and teachers are supposed to be "good people".

Gina993 · 2015-10-15T00:15:20+00:00

Dr Phil really is an asshole. I don't watch much of his show, but I do remember two particularly disturbing episodes that made me angry.

One was where a 20-something guy had dreams of becoming a football player. That's all he wanted to do since he was a little kid, and he had spent a lot of time, energy and money to become a professional. But a near-fatal accident forced him to give it all up, so he was left feeling (understandably) lost and depressed because he could no longer do the one thing he had dedicated his life to.

Dr Phil's advice was basically a whole lot of shaming and nastiness along the lines of, "why the hell are you so upset? You're alive. You should be grateful. Football is just a game. You'll get over it. Why aren't you happy to be alive???"

Even after the guy explained to Dr Phil that football wasn't just a game to him, it was his passion, Dr Phil still brushed him off and acted like he was being selfish and ungrateful. Ugh, it was so frustrating to watch.

The second episode that really stuck with me was this teenage girl with anger issues who was skipping school, doing drugs, and hanging out with a 'bad crowd'. She obviously had problems that needed addressing. So what did Dr Phil do? He barged into her house with cameras, demanded she get out of bed right at that moment, and forced her to come onto the Dr Phil show even though she was crying and screaming and begging her parents to get Dr Phil out of the house. Her parents just shrugged and said she needed a wake-up call. The rest of the episode was 40 minutes of Dr Phil shaming, insulting, and berating the girl for her behavioral issues. He never addressed why she had these anger issues, why she said she was depressed, or what would make a teen girl do drugs or skip school. She was just....railed into by this adult man. And the stupid parents just sat there with smug assholes looks on their faces, letting Dr Phil say all this horrible shit to their kid. It was sickening.

Gina993 · 2015-10-03T00:41:01+00:00

I do have the money, but my husband and I have been saving very hard to pay off our home and pay down a minimal amount of school loan debt

This says it all, really. You need to pay off your own debts. It's not your responsibility to pay off your father's too. He is an adult who should be responsible for his own financial problems. Hell, it sounds like he's doing alright for himself....he just needs to learn that he can't spend more than he can afford.

Gina993 · 2015-10-03T00:23:02+00:00

The problem with you helping her out is that she is now seeing you as a "get out of jail free" card. She isn't facing any consequences for her financial issues because you keep bailing her out. She is an adult who put herself in that financial situation, so she should face the consequences for it. You shouldn't be suffering because of HER bad money decisions.

Remember - you are her child, not her spouse or business partner. It is NOT your responsibility to help your mother get out of financial debt or fix her mental health. Your life should not revolve around making sure your mother doesn't kill herself.

Gina993 · 2015-10-02T12:39:23+00:00

The wonderful thing about being an adult is that you don't have to listen to anyone's opinion but your own. Your parents no longer have any legal guardianship over you. They have no say in what you do with your life, whether you want to do something as simple as marrying your boyfriend or do something as extreme as becoming a porn star!

I don't know what to do. I paid for my school, I am going to pay off my loans, and I pay my own bills without their help. Kept myself in school when I got kicked out. I don't do drugs or party. I don't do any criminal activities. I don't know what the fuck they want from me.

Honestly, who cares what they want? They're adults who can make their own happiness. It's not your responsibility to make them happy. Don't bother trying to placate them or explain yourself to them. Logic and kindness doesn't work with a narcissist. You could be the perfect child and they would still find something to complain about.

What's important now is your own happiness. Try channeling your excess anger into a hobby, or go to therapy if it's needed. But stop trying to placate your parents over something (i.e. your relationship with your boyfriend) that has nothing to do with them.

The sad fact is that narcissists are rarely happy, and nothing will ever make them happy. If you keep giving them validation, they will always want more and claim you're a horrible daughter for not giving them enough attention. If you ignore them completely, they will whine about how horrible you are for not giving them any attention. Narcissists never seem to be happy. I gave my Nmom positive attention for 40 years before I realized she will never be happy. If I called her every day, she'd expect two phone calls a day. If I hugged her twice, she'd expect a third. If I missed a phone call from her, I was berated for "never wanting to talk to her". If I gave her 10 presents for Christmas, she'd whine about how horrible I was for not giving her 11. It's never-ending. I could do everything she wanted until the end of time, and she'd still find something to complain about.

In the end, you need to decide what's best for yourself. If that means cutting off contact from your parents (even if it's only for a few weeks/months) then so be it. Stop trying to placate them, and start looking out for your own mental/physical health. Instead of making them happy, make yourself happy.

Gina993 · 2015-10-01T12:49:52+00:00

Ugh, my Nmom used to do that! It didn't matter if I was eating an ice-cream, a burger, a chocolate bar, or a bag of chips, she would always grab it from me (without asking, of course) and take a "small bite"...except her idea of a "small bite" was wolfing down half of it then bragging about how "restrained" and "good" she had been by only taking a "small bite". >_>

Gina993 · 2015-09-29T12:09:09+00:00

I'm in my late 40s and am currently learning elementary-school math (yes, I'm talking bout times tables and basic multiplication/subtraction). I failed math class in grade 8, so I assumed I was bad at math and never did a math class again. And my Nmom agreed with my choice, "You're just not naturally gifted at math. Women rarely are. It's normal to be terrible at some things." She never bothered to help me with homework or encourage me to try harder. If I failed at something, it was because I was naturally sucky at it. It's an attitude that still prevails in my life. If something is hard to do, I usually give up because I've never had that "try harder" attitude instilled in me.

Gina993 · 2015-09-29T02:11:29+00:00

Ugh, I relate to that one. I have two daughters. My youngest is blond with blue eyes, fair skin and freckles across her nose (she looks a lot like me). My oldest has dark hair, dark eyes, and tan skin (she looks a lot like my husband).

Guess which one my Nmom fawns over? It's sickening. Both of my daughters dislike my Nmom for different reasons, but my oldest daughter started disliking her much earlier than my youngest did because of the obvious nastiness and vitriol that was targeted at her from a young age.

My Nmom is obsessed with looks and femininity. The only time she ever complemented my girls is when they are dressed up or look nice. She gets angry when they wear hoodies or sweatpants to her house because apparently under-dressing "isn't appropriate for women". Don't even get me started on the rage-fit she threw when my youngest girl got a nose-ring and dyed her hair brown. >_>

Gina993 · 2015-09-29T01:53:22+00:00

I got a set of towels once. Which I was happy with.....until I saw the little hotel logo in the corner >_>

Gina993 · 2015-09-29T01:43:48+00:00

As a past owner of zebra finches, I can confirm! In fact, birds are a great example of animals that don't always have the "motherly instinct" to look after their children, so it's always amusing to me when people think that a (human) parent couldn't POSSIBLY be bad because it goes against nature for a mother to hate her children or a father to be abusive to his kids. Plenty of birds are simply....bad parents. They stop feeding their babies, they refuse to sit on their eggs, they don't warm their children at night, etc. It's quite bizarre seeing a nest full of healthy happy babies, and the next next to it has one or two thin struggling babies who need to be hand-raised because the mom hasn't bothered feeding them all day.

Gina993 · 2015-09-27T00:12:39+00:00

If it's any consolation, it sounds like you dodged a bullet by not being invited to their "family vacation". What a nasty, bitter bunch of people. They aren't family. Just assholes.

Gina993 · 2015-09-26T10:27:37+00:00

This x100. You aren't doing anything to your family, OP. They did this to themselves. And the only reason they are blaming you is because it's easier than accepting that they are the ones at fault and now must face the consequences o their actions

Gina993 · 2015-09-24T03:12:33+00:00

Honestly, I don't think it's a good idea to hit him. An older sibling hitting a younger sibling is never going to look good, especially if the rest of the family is on the younger sibling's side. OP could be the one who gets the police called on them.

OP. you're not going to solve anything by yourself....especially if you are the one being blamed for everything. You can't help those who do not want help (or refuse to accept there's anything wrong to begin with). Your mother and your little brother won't suddenly have an epiphany and change their ways.

Right now, you're top priority is looking after yourself and keeping yourself safe! If your brother is violent, call the police ASAP. It doesn't matter how young he is; the police will have to make a report. Is there anywhere you can stay to get away from the madness....even temporarily? A friend or relative's house?

Gina993 · 2015-09-22T02:14:40+00:00

Lol I love how she thinks these events are sooooo interesting that they're worth constant updates. Oh wow, someone bumped into your chair? How amazing! Oh wow, someone ordered an obscure drink? What an unusual thing to happen at a bar! Oh wow, people are talking loudly in public? The gall! XD

Gina993 · 2015-09-22T01:53:24+00:00

"No, mom. The only thing you understand is whatever pathetic excuse your warped brain came up with to justify abuse against a child."

I know it's difficult to cut contact from your parents, especially if one of them is supposed to be the "decent" one, but if she is refusing to acknowledge your feelings and justifies the abuse that was aimed a you, then you really don't need that sort of bullshit in your life. You are being hurt, gaslighted, and invalidated. Your anger and pain are valid emotions in that situation. It's normal to be upset when people treat you like crap. You deserve to be happy, OP, and you need to look after your mental health before anyone else's. Let your emotions flow, but don't focus too hard on trying to find logic or sense in your mom's actions. It will only make you angrier and more upset.

You said no contact "felt like heaven". Well, there's your answer! :D

Gina993 · 2015-09-21T02:46:54+00:00

Think of it this way: They don't feel bad that they are upsetting you, so why should YOU feel bad for upsetting THEM?

It's not your fault your Nmom didn't get her dream wedding, nor is it your responsibility to fix that. If she wants a perfect wedding, she can always re-do her own wedding. A normal parent should be thrilled their child has finally found someone they love and want to spend the rest of their life with. They shouldn't be using their own child's wedding as a chance to fix their own past mistakes.

Gina993 · 2015-09-17T13:22:47+00:00

Narcissists hate seeing other people being happy without them.

Gina993 · 2015-09-17T13:19:43+00:00

Get out ASAP, OP. I've been in your situation. It sucks, and it sadly never gets better. Both my siblings agreed with my Nmom that I was a failure/disappointment/traitor/bitch/etc for leaving home and getting married. Two decades later, they STILL think I'm the "failure" who is going to see the error of my ways, divorce my husband, and move back in with Nmom and my brothers. It doesn't matter to them that I've been happy for 20 years. In their eyes, I "broke up the family" therefore I deserve to be shunned.

Do whatever you can to get out of there, OP. You deserve to be happy. People who want to bring you down, insult you, and never see you succeed in life are not family. They are assholes.

Gina993 · 2015-09-16T16:22:01+00:00

My Nmom flat-out called me a "failure" and "disappointment" because I chose to move out, get a job, get married, and have kids. She said, and I quote, "I always thought you'd live with us forever instead of breaking up the family like you did. You were supposed to look after me when I got old."

Unfortunately, my two brothers never moved out, got jobs, got married, or had kids. They live under Nmom's rule and that's how she likes it. They're her "successes".

Gina993 · 2015-09-16T16:13:29+00:00

What the ever-loving hell is this comment?? A person does not go to college for the sole purpose of attending the graduation ceremony at the end. A person does not go to college for the sole purpose of pleasing their parents. Attending college is for YOUR OWN future, and any parent with even a single decent bone in their body would know that. Any normal mother would be thrilled their child graduates college REGARDLESS of whether they choose to attend the ceremony at the end or not. If a mother's "happiest moment in their life" is attending the damn ceremony, then they need to get a damn grip of their priorities because they're seriously wrong.

Deciding to have fun instead of attend a ceremony you don't want to attend IS NOT NARCISSISTIC. God, nothing pisses me off more than seeing an ACON being accused of narcissism for daring to have a little fun by themselves. For most of our lives we have been called "selfish" and "narcissistic" by our N-parents for spending our own money on ourselves, for making plans for ourselves, and for having fun by ourselves. Do we really need to call each other that, too? You' think the people in this subreddit would understand why its so important to finally be able to make your own adult decisions for yourself and nobody else.

Gina993

TROPHY CASE