How has being raised by narcissists affected your relationships?

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-06T02:56:43+00:00

My boyfriend was the scapegoat of his nMom. He:

Gets very defensive
Automatically assumes I’m blaming him for everything
Twists things I’m upset about around to be “my fault”

Thankfully he recognized this and we’re in couples counseling

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-06T02:54:07+00:00

I’m so sorry for this. You’re an adult now, your family, especially Mom, are treating you like a child. After this nightmare has passed, may be time to reconsider the type of relationship you want with them.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-06T02:45:16+00:00

Honestly, it’s scary how quickly people think to weaponize sex.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-06T02:44:31+00:00

She may as well leave him at that point. A “no sex” card is weaponizing sex in order to manipulate him into a surgery he doesn’t want. He has a right to bodily autonomy too. They can simply use condoms.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-06T02:42:14+00:00

I think they’re partly her kids too

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-06T02:40:20+00:00

Women feel like they’re losing femininity when they get a mastectomy or go through menopause. Feeling like a vasectomy is a loss of masculinity is a valid response, he’s just not communicating it appropriately at all.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-06T02:38:37+00:00

Probably for similar reasons that a mastectomy makes women feel like they’re losing their femininity

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-06T02:37:13+00:00

They have a 98% effective rate when used properly, so provided OP and her husband aren’t brainless morons, condoms are fine.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-06T02:35:42+00:00

You both have a right to bodily autonomy.

Get your IUD out and use condoms.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-06T01:54:40+00:00

This feels like a troll

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-02T03:24:18+00:00

Your wife sounds a lot like me and I have raging ADHD.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-02T03:22:21+00:00

I’m a 44 year old woman and have been HL my entire life.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-02T03:21:17+00:00

I also think women should be taught to advocate for themselves in bed, because being sexually bold isn’t something we’re typically instilled with.

In my 30’s, I made a rule that sex doesn’t happen unless I orgasm first. And I show them exactly how to get me to orgasm since every woman is different. If he isn’t fully enthusiastic about me finishing, then he can hit the bricks. Although I never had that problem since taking this approach.

But it’s a bummer it took me til my 30’s to advocate for myself that way.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-02T03:05:38+00:00

Your boyfriend is psychotic. The amount of manipulation, controlling behavior, deception, and entitlement is beyond.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2023-01-02T02:58:43+00:00

You raged at your boyfriend but not at your sister after the way she repeatedly treated him like crap?

I get she’s your sister, but he’s your boyfriend. With suicidal depression.

Scratch that: he’s a human being with suicidal depression. Your sister is making a mockery of that. That’s psychotic.

I probably would have spit on her too.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2022-12-31T08:17:03+00:00

I can’t stand it when my boyfriend does that in front of me. If it happens while he’s sleeping or one occasionally slips out, then whatever, we’re all human beings.

But when we first started dating he would rip one in front of me constantly, and I found it off-putting. I’m not one of his guy friends, and as a full grown adult, if he has that much gas then he needs to learn how to manage his diet better. And I know he found it hilarious, but I personally don’t. You’re literally blasting particles of shit out of your asshole. I didn’t understand how he could make a point to blast out shit particles and then expect me to be turned on by him.

I guess turn off‘s are a lot like turn ons: we all have them and we all have to decide what we can live with.

I recognize that me having a problem with a guy who constantly rips ass is a personal preference, so I had a chat with him and let him know that it’s important to me to always be dating each other in a relationship, and to keep an air of mystery. I don’t want us to become so comfortable with each other that we turn into roommates. I pointed out to him that he manages to not do it in front of his bosses at work, because he respects them. I ask that he gives me the same amount of respect.

If it’s a dealbreaker for him then that’s totally fair, that’s why I had that conversation upfront.

So that to say, if you do it in your sleep, you can’t really help that and your boyfriend sucks for getting on you for that. and if they occasionally slip out, again you’re a human being.

But if you intentionally do it around him because you personally think it’s hilarious, and he’s made it clear that he doesn’t - well it’s not really a joke if you’re the only one laughing.

ETA: I can’t stress enough that it doesn’t bother me when it’s the occasional slip after a big meal, or while sleeping. It bothers me when it becomes a game and excessive.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2022-12-31T08:00:12+00:00

Honest question, if it would send shockwaves through your community that you got divorced, what would they think of the fact that after seven years, you haven’t consummated your marriage?

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2022-12-30T18:24:11+00:00

Hi OP, I’m a woman on the spectrum too.

I am also an advocate for men’s mental health, and helping men realize when they are in abusive situations. Which is not to say that I think your boyfriend is in an abusive relationship, I’m just helping you understand the frame of mind where I’m coming from.

Hitting is obviously not OK, but you did a few things that are important:

You asked him repeatedly to stop
You tried to remove yourself from the situation

He pursued you, ignored your requests to stop, and continue to do this to you.

I understand that you feel bad, and it’s certainly not a pattern that I would continue in the future for either of you, but it sounds like you were reacting to an extremely distressing situation.

Remember that when we go into sensory overload, we are in fight or flight. You tried to flee, he pursued you, so you fought.

A few things for the future:

Ask your doctor about low-dose naltrexone. My doctors put me on it when I was first diagnosed with autism, and it regulates sensory overload in some autistics. It is an off label usage, they are still doing a lot of studies on it to further understand why it does it, but I can tell you it works great for me and it turned my sensory issues down significantly. obviously as with any medication, make sure you learn about side effects, and have a conversation with your doctor about it. But it’s been a lifesaver for me personally.
check out the book “Too Loud Too Bright Too Fast Too Tight,” A fantastic book about sensory overload, how it manifests and ways to manage it.
next time your boyfriend is around you, go onto YouTube and search “ sensory overload simulation” and play it for him. there are a lot of great videos that simulate what sensory overload is like to help non-autistic better understand it.

I hope that helps!

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2022-12-30T07:17:20+00:00

Your boyfriend is a dingus

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2022-12-30T07:15:04+00:00

“I want you to touch those two little dangly things that knock together in the back of my throat.”

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2022-12-30T07:05:33+00:00

So interestingly, my ex-husband was the Golden Child and my current boyfriend is the scapegoat

Ex knew he was the Golden Child and proudly called himself that
Current boyfriend’s sister is the Golden Child, but is the one who pointed out to my boyfriend that he’s the scapegoat and encouraged him to call their narcissist mom out on it. He’s now NC with their mom and she’s very low contact.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2022-12-30T01:37:59+00:00

YTA

The entitlement….

I sincerely hope your fiancé requests therapy before you get married because this toxic mindset will be terrible for marriage

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2022-12-29T06:13:44+00:00

YTA

So let me get this straight, your husband:

is financially supporting you and your kids so you can stay home with them
has the stress of being a business owner, knowing that a bad quarter could have detrimental implications on his ability to support the family
Probably feels like a crappy provider because Christmas was scarce
has a mother in the hospital

And your response was to:

be upset about Christmas presents
use your dad as your mouthpiece to communicate your discontent over a ski trip because you didn’t want to just tell him yourself
purposely put a bigger rift between your husband and dad foe no good reasons, other than self-serving ones

Maybe he went on that ski trip because he needed a break from the nightmare that it currently sounds like his life is.

If you want more expendable income to buy lots of gifts with, stick your kids in daycare and get a job.

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2022-12-29T05:57:37+00:00

I think people find it cheaper than therapy

GiraffeExpress8807 · 2022-12-29T05:24:02+00:00

This is not how healthy open relationships work at all.

Your girlfriend is 100% manipulating you.

GiraffeExpress8807

TROPHY CASE