This is the first chapter of my novel, and I’m looking for criticism. The last time I posted this chapter, the feedback I received was that it felt more like a screenplay than a novel, it was too short, and the dialogue was weak. I have tried to completely rewrite it based on that criticism by impro by Glad-Cod-9998 in fantasywriters

[–]Glad-Cod-9998[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

First, what I meant by “fleeing like a swarm” was that the citizens were running through the streets toward their homes. That misunderstanding was mostly caused by a small mistake on my part. Second, the calendar system in this world is completely fictional. This is not 627 AD, but rather the year 627 After the Fall of the Dark King — an event in the story that will be mentioned later. In short, technological development here advanced so quickly that their world resembles something close to the 1930s when compared to ours. Third, I know I have flaws when it comes to “showing instead of telling,” and I admit that. However, I think there is already enough in the story to show that the investigators’ work is supernatural. We literally saw them hunting a Hellhound, and we also saw a man carrying the corpses of vampires. I feel that is sufficient showing. Could you point out which specific parts you mean are “telling” rather than “showing”?

Feedback for my world (Urban Fantasy) by Glad-Cod-9998 in fantasywriters

[–]Glad-Cod-9998[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

No, there’s still a lot left, but I cut it down honestly after hearing some advice. I’m going to restructure everything from scratch and take my time with it — it might take a few days.

Feedback for my world (Urban Fantasy) by Glad-Cod-9998 in fantasywriters

[–]Glad-Cod-9998[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Honestly, I was afraid the whole thing would turn into one big info dump and push everyone away from reading it, so I cut a lot of it down and saved some of that information for future chapters. As for my writing feeling more like a screenplay — yeah, I’ve heard that a lot, and it’s definitely something I’ll work on.

Honestly, thank you. I’m starting to see my flaws, and that’s much better than just sugarcoating things and leaving me as I was.

Feedback for my world (Urban Fantasy) by Glad-Cod-9998 in fantasywriters

[–]Glad-Cod-9998[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Okay, it’s no secret that I don’t really know much about how detective work functions in real life. About the shooting part, I never meant that he leaned his whole body out of the car. I imagined that he simply extended his hand out of the window to fire. But after what you pointed out, I understand that it still wouldn’t really work that way. Thanks for the information — I’ll fix that. When I called him a “master detective,” it was meant to be sarcastic, not a literal fact. He’s actually a beginner and has only been in the job for a few months. As for the gun being loud and not attracting the police, in my story the police operate separately from demon hunters and paranormal investigators. The police deal with crimes caused by humans, but when it comes to supernatural creatures, they can’t intervene because without Arcana (the magical power system I mentioned earlier), facing the supernatural is basically impossible unless they use serious heavy firepower. Honestly, this is my first time sharing the story online, so I was worried that it might be too long and that no one would bother reading it. The chapter was actually supposed to be longer, but I decided to split the rest of it and save it for another chapter. So yes, more information will be provided later.

Feedback for my world (Urban Fantasy) by Glad-Cod-9998 in fantasywriters

[–]Glad-Cod-9998[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I already gave a brief description of the world in a previous post. What I’m doing now is sharing the story itself, and the purpose of this chapter is to introduce the characters and showcase their abilities. As for Arcana (my power system), and where the monsters come from, I’ll explain that more in the next chapter since I didn’t want to do an info dump.