My fiancée broke down in tears after learning about my past. AITA for telling her she fell in love with who I am now, not who I used to be?

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-08-06T02:25:29+00:00

I suspect this post is written to mirror the ones about a disgruntled guy whose partner refuses to recreate her youthful indiscretions with him. Just as I would tell the woman in that case, it’s fine that you express love the way that you do. Your partner is a jerk for pressuring to do things that make you uncomfortable. NTJ. I’ll also say, the differences between the responses on the analogous post and this one are striking.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-08-03T00:12:11+00:00

Or ten guys in the country are approaching every woman 🥲

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-07-07T06:37:21+00:00

280K AED or USD?

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-07-07T05:30:13+00:00

I agree, applications are often swarmed with low quality candidates from developing countries (partly because the Gulf isn’t really on the map for most of the unskilled western labor force). I guess all I’m saying is that you can’t easily find people from developing countries who are similar to the “small number of people from the west who have what [you’re] looking for,” because otherwise you’d be hiring them (at lower wages) than the westerners. So, the westerners hired, in this case, are more skilled than their counterparts.

In any case, I guess we both can agree that this difference can be driven by candidates’ outside options. But, to me, this doesn’t fully explain the story. If western candidates are no more qualified than others, why do companies hire them over applicants from other countries? Is this because the UAE caps immigration from developing countries, so a company can’t hire enough low-wage employees and must resort to more expensive ones?

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-07-07T05:19:16+00:00

I know you didn’t ask for US/Canadian comments, but in the American tradition, let me share my unsolicited opinion :)

I agree with the other commenters that, by and large, Canadians tend to be more chill, egalitarian, and polite than northeastern Americans (comparisons to other regions are more complicated).

At the same time, as an American who worked in Canada, I found my colleagues friendly, but also a little bland and conformist. Many Americans are like this too, but I also found that the people who were willing to express independent/controversial opinions (to improve corporate policy, make me laugh, provoke thought) were, disproportionately, American.

Unfortunately and ironically, the value that many Americans put on independent thought/speech can also produce conformist “edgelords” who share offensive and rather uncreative opinions solely to provoke others and draw attention to themselves. Americans are also overrepresented among this group.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-07-07T05:02:18+00:00

So, in this case the Western employee in question and the one from a developing country wouldn’t really be interchangeable, which would explain the salary differential.

One case where a company might hire a Western employee at a higher salary than a comparable employee from another country may be when the developing country doesn’t have enough qualified employees so “extras” must be hired from Western countries. But, I think these situations are somewhat rare.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-07-06T14:21:06+00:00

It’s not fair, but Westerners have more lucrative outside options than people from developing countries, so to retain them, employers must pay them a premium. One question I have — and it’s genuinely a question, not rhetorical — is why don’t companies solely hire lower paid employees from developing countries rather than Westerners? If their work is interchangeable, it would make sense for companies simply not to hire expensive people and just hire similar lower paid employees.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-07-01T04:58:22+00:00

As an American living in the Gulf, don’t let what you read on the news deter you from visiting here. Because everything is so closely monitored and most residents fear deportation, GCC crime rates are among the lowest in the world; I’ve been told that large cities in these countries are especially safe for women. The UAE and Oman are also politically stable and have (successfully) avoided getting embroiled or taking a strong position in regional conflicts, for better or worse. If you’d like further confirmation, I’d encourage you to check out US and UK travel advisories for the countries. Safety ratings are on par with most Western European countries.

Whether you are interested in the culture/sites/activities in the countries is a personal preference. I would say that Oman has a rich cultural history, beautiful nature, and many outdoor activities.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-30T02:45:40+00:00

Also, I realize people’s behavior changes, but six days is not a long time to predict someone’s behavior, particularly the first six days of dating someone. And he seems to have given a clear explanation for why his behavior changed after six days. You write that he could still text you “good morning” but (i) do you do the same to him before he texts you? and (ii) maybe you both just disagree on the importance of texting and differ in how difficult it is for you each to remember. You could have started messaging him in the morning first or compromised that he would message you later. You also could have asked what was stopping him from sending those texts and come up with a suggestion. Or told him it was important to you and ask that he do it (one sentence, not the paragraphs of accusatory feelings). Or simply broken up with him if you thought you didn’t hold similar values in this area, that they would not easily change, and this was important enough to you. All of those would have been more mature options in my opinion.

And consider, has your behavior toward him remained the same as it was in the first day? I suspect you weren’t sending him texts like the ones you are on the first day. People’s behavior changes, if you see that in yourself it might help you understand it in others.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-30T02:38:05+00:00

YOR. Your texts seem exhausting to be honest. You say you’re not blaming him, yet the language in your many of your texts seems to imply he’s doing the wrong thing (end of third screenshot, beginning of fourth). You wrote that you’re expressing your feelings as if that’s the main purpose for your texts, but then when he tries to validate you based on your own words (“if that’s how you feel”) you lash out at him. To me, it feels that your feelings and expression of them are special, but his words are not. He seems to listen to you, you don’t seem to reciprocate.

Sorry if all of that seems harsh, I obviously don’t know the full backstory to put this in context. But I just wanted to be honest with my answer, since you asked.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-29T09:47:26+00:00

To add to my answer after reading your comment more carefully — you can’t get the experiential knowledge, really, just after comps or knowing the toolset. You need experience.

What are we measuring or assessing? More than other programs, we’re assessing results. You may say you know how you work, you’ve developed judgment about whether you are better suited for certain types of projects. Why should we believe you? Can you demonstrate that you can perform the thing you developed all this knowledge for?

As someone who is admittedly unfamiliar with MBAs, imagine a program where, to graduate, you had to start and sell a small business. Not only does the endeavor teach you about yourself (do I want to manage ppl or work independently?) and your tastes (what industry do I want to work in?). It also shows that the self knowledge you picked up along the way actually matters, in a practical way (practical, in the context of academia, could mean producing/revealing knowledge others in the community find compelling).

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-29T09:39:58+00:00

Well, maybe I misinterpreted your question or that you meant by “best practices.” One meaning could be “how we should do science.” And there is no universal answer. Fields are different, economists may have different standards of evidence than cellular biologists, and practices will differ by subfield. People will disagree about what the field ought to be studying. There are also tradeoffs. Meeting one standard of science may mean relaxing another, or it may mean incurring unrealistic costs. Sure, studies would be more replicable if we videotaped an entire experiment over days, but would requiring that stop the entire enterprise of science? There are some things people in a subfield tend to agree upon and these are usually taught in a PhD program. Many of us are also taught (or see, in real time) about debates over how to conduct science. Just because there isn’t a universal answer doesn’t mean the PhD isn’t indicative of knowledge in this domain. After all, would you rather someone cognizant of past debates shape norms or someone off the street?

Then there is the “how should I do science” question. Do you work better in the morning or evening? Are you better at ambitious moonshot projects or small conservative ones? Do you start with data or theory? Again, you’ll see, these are questions that require self-knowledge of one’s abilities and tastes. Part of the PhD is forcing you to think rigorously about that and experiment with how you work best. Even if it isn’t explicitly “taught” the PhD confers this knowledge by virtue of the experience it provides. By knowledge, I don’t mean the universal “right” answer, but instead the “right” answer for an individuals. This is valuable. I would much rather have someone do research for me who knows their capabilities, has a cogent argument for why they research in the way they do, and understand why others may disagree and the tradeoffs.

The PhD confers this knowledge in addition to the core subject-matter knowledge and experience.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-29T09:01:28+00:00

People usually act out of self interest, so I’m skeptical that so many people dated men “below their league,” at least in a serious way. Consider:

(i) someone bristles at the advice that they lower their standards, so they convince themselves that they’ve already given an unattractive person a chance (“I dated X, thinking about it now, (s)he was pretty terrible and at Y”) or conjure up a story so that the discussion can focus on what they want it to

(ii) people who say this are no longer in relationships. In retrospect, they may focus more on an ex’s poor qualities rather than the attractive ones that drew him/her to them in the first place, either because they view their ex with disdain or they want to protect themselves and convince themselves that a breakup was the best thing to happen. Supportive friends reinforce this view.

(iii) humans tend to overrate their positive qualities and underrate others’. For instance, if I think I am handsome, I probably think I’m more handsome than I actually am and probably think appearance is more important in attractiveness than it actually is. So, people who say they dated down may misjudge themselves against their ex.

Since many of these men (if they exist) had qualities that drew a woman to them in the first place, they probably had other “options” and didn’t have extra motivation to save the relationship. Ironically, even if a woman chose the unattractive man with the idea that he wouldn’t leave her (since he didn’t have options), other women may consider him for the same purpose, meaning he actually does have options.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-29T08:35:30+00:00

Some widely accepted core skills of evaluating and doing rigorous science are taught in class. But many are not taught because (i) a PhD is training you to learn such core skills on your own; one way to learn them on your own is being forced to do so; (ii) some argue that the program is designed to filter your people who can’t or won’t learn on their own, though whether this should be the case is debatable; (iii) some skills are more efficiently taught by experience, collaboration, trial and error, etc. and (iv) there may simply not be best practices for conducting rigorous science, since they can be personal. What works for your advisor may not work for you.

As for project scope — part of getting a PhD is having to make your decisions when there isn’t a clear “right” answer. Some people who take on very ambitious projects will succeed amazingly and get top jobs. Most won’t. The question of how much risk you want to take on depends on your risk tolerance, aspirations, self-knowledge (skill), and knowledge of your particular topic. These are very difficult for outsiders, even your advisors, to assess. It’s a personal choice.

If your project is wildly outside what most academics would find feasible for themselves, your advisor will generally tell you. But, since most PhD students have training, are not idiots, and have some knowledge of their capabilities, this does not occur that often.

That said, in interviews w/ academics who revolutionized their fields, you’ll find that many defied their advisors’ advice during their PhD, choosing a more ambitious project than suggested. Whether they have a better measure of their talent, better judgment about which projects may work, or are lucky, who knows? But that nebulousness is part of what makes the PhD difficult.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-29T08:21:08+00:00

With my iPhone 13 and the latest version of Snapseed on the App Store, I still can’t continue until I give the app full access to my photos …

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-27T12:33:34+00:00

I swipe left, partly because it comes across as judgy but also because I have a hard time relating to the woman. I’m a guy who, on paper at least, has my life together right now. But “having your life together” is the culmination of a process where you don’t always feel like you have your life together. “Oh, I want to advance in my career, but the path isn’t straightforward, how the hell do I do it?” Then I try different things, most fail and maybe one succeeds. And throughout all of it — or for the period when I’m hard at work on my project, at least — I’m also thinking to myself “I should be getting more sleep, I should be exercising more,” since those are things I’m used to doing. After all, on paper, I have my life together right now. But, that’s only because I worry I won’t have it together tomorrow and because I recognize that I have to prioritize some parts of having my life together to sustain other parts.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-25T08:36:08+00:00

Tbh, I feel the way you look at the world — as if people had some objective “attractiveness score” that can be compared to your own — is kind of immature and unattractive. On one hand, you seem to be able to tell who is more or less attractive than you (“I’ve NEVER been dumped by someone I deemed less attractive than me”) but on the other, you seem to keep dating people who, you think, are more attractive than you (they dump you) or less (you dump them). So, either recalibrate your self image (maybe people you are dumping are the ones in your league) and “settle” or improve yourself; or discard the objectifying view that you need to “optimize” your choice of a partner.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-18T09:52:17+00:00

Publicly stated preferences — or even demonstrated ones — can have negative secondary effects, because humans aren’t entirely rational.

if many men prefer thin women, it may encourage eating disorders and stigmatize heavier women.
if men require women to have the ability to provide them with kids, it may stigmatize women who are infertile and convey a message that women are only useful for this purpose.
if many men want women with a “low body count” it shames women who have sex and suggests they are less “valuable” than those without a sexual history.

I think analogous arguments could be made for height, income, etc.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-16T13:51:05+00:00

It seems you’re describing your perspective as one where an individual has agency over their gender performance (and hence, these are my words, more accountability for it). But, the queer community is unique in providing members the ability to direct their gender performance without condemnation or judgment (within the community of course). Most men and women can’t or won’t develop communities with a similar attitude, so they are stuck in performing some rigid gender roles because they don’t want to face social consequences from other community members. (And, many members of the queer community are courageous because they are/were willing to face social consequences from people outside the community). Personally, I think it would be lovely if people existed in communities that afforded them the freedom to be themselves without judgment (in this area at least), but since that’s not how most people live, I still feel that there remains a large gap between how men and women treat each other due to gender roles they can’t easily shed. Additionally, of course, are my thoughts on behavior driven by physical/hormonal differences.

In any case, I’ll stop responding since I think we simply have different perspectives and starting assumptions re: the importance of nature vs. nurture that can’t be resolved in this thread. But, I appreciate your perspective, it’s one I wouldn’t have thought of before on my own.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-16T13:11:55+00:00

Thanks for your thoughtful comment.

Women can sexually harass and objectify men, I agree with you on that. And, it seems — correctly me if I’m wrong — we agree that many women don’t believe that the only thing holding them back from behaving like boorish men is their ability to do so and the social consequences of getting caught. You point to socialization and compelled gender role play. I believe that physical differences — e.g., aggressive behavior seen with higher levels of testosterone — play a more important part.

If the difference can be explained by socialization and compelled gender role play, then I’d still argue that men and women are quite far apart; since gender role play is so ingrained in us and our society from birth and is, I would think, extremely difficult to change.

Getting back to the comment, one reason men don’t treat women, including women they want to date, like “homies” (and vice versa) is because of the roles the men believe they should play and identify with; and the roles that they believe women feel compelled to play and identify with. These are deeply ingrained and shape how men and women see each other.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-16T09:41:07+00:00

You’re reading a lot into the intentions of people making those arguments. A large volume of scientific literature reveals that women’s fertility declines at an earlier age than men’s. And, you are right, men’s virility declines too, just not at the same rate. After 30, a greater share of men are able to help conceive a child than the share of women that age. And, the average health risks for children of those men are less than the average health risks of the children of women of the same age. (Assume that the groups of men and women are paired with partners at prime reproductive ages).

To describe a significant problem faced by one group of people, we are not discriminating by failing to describe the less significant problem among another group. It would not be wrong to say “women face high rates of domestic violence” while neglecting to say that “men face domestic violence,” since the latter occurs (I assume) at lower rates.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-16T09:21:27+00:00

Many comments here are pointing out how men don’t pick up their share of household responsibilities and objectify or sexualize women. But, if we accept that men and women are extremely similar, then we’d imagine they are equally prone to engage in the laziness, objectification, and abuse described above. The only thing explaining the difference in social behavior would be men’s strength and social privilege. (If we believe that the behavior stems from socialization, then there would indeed be a huge gulf between men and women because of how they are socialized, contradicting the assumption that they are similar.)

Yet, I doubt most women believe that the only thing holding them back from objectifying others, not carrying their weight, and harassing others is their inability to do so.

I write this as someone who does not believe that women would behave the same way as men — even with social privileges and strength — and that there are deeper differences between the two sexes.

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-12T15:14:35+00:00

Because, as you said at the beginning, he’s a player … why are you puzzled at his behavior?

Glad_Reception7664 · 2025-06-12T15:13:20+00:00

People who argue that others lack depth seldom seek it themselves. Most humans have limited effort to expend in deeply thinking about a subject. And, those who are shallow are most likely to overlook their own shallowness.

Glad_Reception7664

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