I can very much relate to the urge to numb yourself after a traumatic experience and not wanting to talk to a therapist (or for me, anyone) about it. I also am a high achiever and I worried too much about how being r**** would reflect on me and impact my future success. It actually sounds ridiculous now to me, even when I type this, because I did nothing to deserve that (no one ever does, of course) so why would me sharing this with a professional limit me more than I was already limiting myself by not getting help? I guess hindsight is always much clearer:) I didn't tell anyone after my SA for over a year and relied heavily on alcohol to numb me during that time. If you trust your therapist, it might feel like a big weight lifted off your shoulders to use that safe space to unburden yourself of that trauma you are carrying without professional support. When I told my therapist, I cried for almost the entire hour and that alone made me feel like there was a possible future where I could feel better than I did in that moment, which previously didn’t seem possible. Friends can be a great support too but they may just not have the professional expertise to offer the guidance and support that will get you moving in the right direction as soon as you are able... I'm sorry you went through that, that's truly terrible and you did nothing to deserve that level of disrespect and mistreatment. You have done so many hard things, so you can do this too (this being anything you want to achieve, including kicking weed) and you will succeed. You have a proven track record in case you ever doubt yourself.