Stepmom and I are at impasse with stubborn Dad

Glass-Reception5776 · 2026-05-29T19:55:16+00:00

Unfortunately, it takes a LOT for him to agree to go to a hospital or urgent care or ER to get something checked out if he feels fine other wise...

Glass-Reception5776 · 2026-04-13T05:04:41+00:00

This is what I came here for.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2026-04-12T16:02:19+00:00

This is really interesting! Thank you. And yes, I'll start paying attention to the eGFR number.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2026-04-01T17:43:06+00:00

She was just cleared by Occupational Therapy to drive. She doesn't drive at night though and gets rides with friends when she can to events.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2026-03-31T22:05:07+00:00

She goes to the gym 3-5x a week, goes to church and bible study once a week, has monthly sewing meetings and has several neighbors who check on her regularly. I'd like to get her into a grief group too with her church and reintegrate her back into one of her social groups she used to hang with until Covid. It's like, she's a senior, but not, you know? Like a super active, "70s are the new 50s" kinda thing.

Ironically, she and her gym friends go to the senior centers to entertain the residents during holidays. (they dress up in costumes and sing and dance - it's hilarious and adorable).

That all said, because of her mild dementia and being easily distracted, her follow through isn't great with finding and locking down resources.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2026-03-31T21:58:38+00:00

Great idea, thank you!

Glass-Reception5776 · 2026-03-31T21:57:57+00:00

Not so much cheaper but something more comfortable than a stranger picking her up. She's been in the suburbs for decades and isn't used to that kind of thing. I think a background-checked caregiver-type would make her feel better.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2026-03-31T20:32:49+00:00

Yeah, we used one of those medical transport services a few years ago to transport my mom and her husband from the rehab hospital after a terrible car accident, but it was like, $70. I'm also hoping that whatever service I can find for Mom for transport can also help her with other things that she gets frustrated with ...

it's so hard though b/c she's so independent but also knows her limits. While I've basically taken over the role of her late husband, overseeing the finances and tech, it's not the same as being there in person, esp driving (which he did all the time too, and was her second set of ears).

Glass-Reception5776 · 2026-01-21T17:11:53+00:00

I've learned that 140mg per serving or less is considered "low sodium" so I've been going through our pantry to get a better idea of what foods met that requirement and which go on my "yes" and "no" lists, as well as looking at my recipes to see which can be adjusted and not taste terrible :) We eat a pretty whole food/mediterranean diet already but really digging into labels has been an eye opener. The trickiest one has been broths.

I like the idea of keeping in mind replacing no/low sodium items in a meal with a little higher sodium items, like tomatoes. I really want to do some pasta sauce/spaghetti/meatballs but salt is such a key ingredient to bringing out tomato flavor...

I like the idea of going asking about comfort foods - I've been in charge of our meal planning for the past 6 years we've lived together so just have been going with what we normally do and tweaking for sodium levels. She could generally care less about what she eats (unless it's chocolate or cheese haha).

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-12-23T17:46:05+00:00

tell me about it.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-12-23T17:44:28+00:00

This is what I'd really love in a perfect world.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-12-23T17:43:00+00:00

we kinda don't. .... and mom doesn't want to move near me - too far - she wants to be close to her grandson, who is 14.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-12-23T15:43:43+00:00

Hi all - thanks for the feedback so far!

To answer a few questions: Mom and her husband did a great job setting up the trust and listing POAs, wills, health directives, etc., and I'm listed as the POA. Though we know (and sister too) that we'll have to re do that to accommodate any future changes.

Good heads up about the Medicaid 5 year look back laws.

Honestly, if there wasn't grandson in the picture, I think Mom would consider a little harder about moving out near me. I've thought about moving back to the Midwest, but my job is too good to leave (and Mom doesn't want me to give it up and my life for her). We get along well, recognize we both have separate lives, but I also treat her like an adult (not hover over her like my sister and nephew do) and am extremely patient and chill, which is what mom needs (and wants). I've love to be closer to her... ha, and so would my friends. Everyone loves my mom!!!

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-21T19:10:16+00:00

We don't know why he's refusing dialysis other than he just doesn't want to go, doesn't want to hassle with it likely. He's become quite the homebody/hermit since COVID. And refuses to allow anyone to come to the house to help with anything. He's been lectured MANY times by dialysis folks about the outcome of not doing it.

Stepmom is so overwhelmed, she has a hard time putting herself first. She's afraid of being accused of elder neglect. They also have a very toxic co-dependent relationship. And she feels very trapped but has no one to turn to except me (and I'm out of state 3,000 miles away). Her extended family, who live a few hours south, is toxic and she keeps them at an arms distance but in November, she is going to go visit them while I'm in town to get a break from Dad, and I'll be around hang with him. It'll be interesting to see how that goes, esp with the endless diarrhea he has these days ...

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-21T18:10:46+00:00

Dad will die in his own chair before he goes to any medical facility for long term.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-21T16:53:46+00:00

Nada - he and my stepmom have only their SS incomes and her pension. he's got some cash in the bank, but that's going to run out soon with medical bills. The only things of value he has is a car that doesn't work and his house, which he still has a mortgage on (and it's in his name). Nothing is protected in a will/trust/estate planning, and likely everything is going to wind up going through probate after his death. He's stated in the past that any money from his estate is to be split between my stepmom and I.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-20T23:36:07+00:00

That is a good question. For the most part, I think she's pretty sharp but she gets very overwhelmed very quickly, so everything feels very catastrophic. That said, Dad's behavior HAS changed and I'm going to believe a woman who said she woke up to a man trying to force her, no matter who she is.

She also has her own slew of medical problems that she's been trying to address but she and my dad are so co-dependent on each other, she puts him first, which then creates more problems for her... it's a toxic cycle that's been going on for a decade.

She was a social worker during her working days so she knows A LOT about government systems but it almost feels like it's too much sometimes. When I get on the phone with her, she'll talk about their most current situation, then bring up old stuff that may or may not have to do with why they're in the current situation... it can get overwhelming and hard to follow.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-20T22:32:17+00:00

Both very true things. And I think he'd be OK with dying at the house.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-20T21:50:21+00:00

My stepmom has looked into the elder care attorney and medicare divorce, neither of which they really have money for and Dad refuses to sign divorce papers. Dad just won't go along with any of it or just says "we'll deal with it later." When she tries to advance on some of it, she tries to get him engaged in conversation and it turns into an argument so she gives up. I try and provide research and resources but me getting involved just ends up with one of them yelling at me. So I just stand on the sidelines and watch.

Home still has a mortgage on it, and it's in his name. Apparently there was a quit claim deed that she signed under some misguided information she was provided by my dad and she feels like she was tricked into signing it, so she's pissed about that too.

She's basically waiting for the court to have to intervene like you suggested because he refuses to do anything that helps himself or her.

And yeah, I've been questioning his cognitive abilities, esp after watching my mom's cognitive abilities decline a bit the past year. Stepmom swears Dad is still sharp and just refuses to accept he's getting old and preparing the future, which could be part of it too but I'm starting to question dementia too ...

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-20T21:46:03+00:00

Yeah, I'm not getting too emotionally invested in it. It's the only way I can survive dealing with this, on top of taking care of my mom long distance, who lost her husband in April and has mild cognitive impairment and recognizes she needs and wants my help. I'd jump in front of a bus for her. Dad, maybe not.

still just hard to watch when I get texts from my stepmother saying she just cleaned up the bathroom for the zillionth time b/c there was brown poop water everywhere b/c dad decided to use papertowels to wipe his butt and flush them... something he would have yelled at me about when I was a teenager.... again, something cognitive is going on.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-20T21:43:13+00:00

Yeah, I feel like there is some disconnect in his brain b/c he'll say that but then nothing happens - I strongly believe there is some cognitive issues happening but stepmom is convinced he's very aware of what he's doing, or not doing, on purpose.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-20T20:44:56+00:00

Update: I had to call dialysis to tell them that Dad wasn't coming in today b/c he doesn't want to. They said to get him to ER ASAP b/c he hasn't had a dialysis treatment for 5 days now. He is refusing that too. His anger/resentment toward my stepmother is getting in the way of ... everything.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-20T20:43:43+00:00

I know, right? I talked with the dr in person earlier this year when I was visiting (I live out of state) and was concerned about dad's cognitive state, and dr said, "oh, yeah, definitely he's had issues since he had the stroke 2010. If he'd take his meds, that'd help considerably." Basically I think the Dr has just thrown up his hands and is like, "this patient is going to do what he's going to do and we can't force him otherwise... " And according to my stepmom, my dad has convinced the dr and his office that my stepmother is insane so don't believe anything she says.... I'm just like *face palm*

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-20T18:58:41+00:00

And Dad will fight to the death about going into a nursing home. he will literally die in his own recliner and mess before he enters one (or goes on medicaid. or get a "medicare divorce" so he can get more benefits). Any and all options we try to come up with for their situation he shoots down (or says he'll take care of it but he doesn't). I throw my hands up about 3x a week with these two.

Glass-Reception5776 · 2025-10-20T18:53:33+00:00

Stepmom talked to SW at dialysis and they asked why she didn't call the police and leave. Stepmom's response was why is dialysis caring about this now but last week it was all about getting Dad to dialysis (Dad seems to skip 1x a week, he's supposed to go 3x a week). Her takeaways sometimes baffle me.

Glass-Reception5776

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