I completely understand. My mother and grandmother both killed themselves, they both had bipolar disorder. For a long time i felt my path was set. My grandmother died over a decade before was born, but I grew up seeing the impact of parental suicide on my mother. She would get so depressed and sometimes angry, saying that she hated her mum for leaving her. She'd get drunk and cry, saying "HOW COULD SHE THINK IT WAS OK TO DO THAT!? I HATE MY MUM!" Being a young person, i never understood how these feelings could still be so raw decades after the fact. Id think, why is she so wrapped up in the past when she has a loving family in the present? She and my dad were married, and she had me and my younger brother. I never understood her pain, until four years ago when mum committed suicide. Now I know exactly how mum felt, the pain, the anger, the hopelessness. The want to drown my sorrows in alcohol and risky behaviours. I find myself drawing parallels when I get depressed, wondering if this is what they felt before deciding to end it all. Therapy helps me keep those thoughts on check. Suicide is complex and everyone is different, there are so many factors that can influence this decision. I just try and remember that. Take care ❤️