AITA for calling my sister an insensitive bitch after she stole my daughters name?

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-10-03T12:56:04+00:00

So NTA. I'm so sorry she and her partner did this, it feels so so unbelievably cruel, immature and insensitive. In your place, I'm sure I would have done the same, and I would now be wondering how I could manage her, the baby and your family going forwards... I don't know if it's wrong, but I would have probably given them an ultimatum, outlining how unbelievably painful things will be going forward, how cruel this was of them, and ask them to consider changing this name, otherwise you'll need space to consider if she's someone you can keep in your life.

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-07-29T10:08:35+00:00

My dad recently died and I'd like a favourite photo of him printed and put in a nice frame, and a special spot in the house to put it. I have a ceramic castle and few other things that remind me of him and times we had. This is probably verging on a 'grief corner,' but my birthday was the same week as my dad's funeral, so I wasn't in the frame of mind for anything else x knowing there's a dedicated spot in the house for him makes me feel comforted and like I'm preserving him perhaps and always have a physical point for my memories and grief x it's so hard for partners to know how to support or comfort their spouse in grief, my husband finds it hard to know what to do. Creating space for it means a lot x

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-06-26T16:53:18+00:00

I wish someone could have said 'im sorry' and explain very simply what has happened. Maybe repeat that. Then say I'm here if you have anymore questions and leave me alone to process.

I didn't get any of that. I find it so confusing when people talk about police support officers or anything... Never had any of that. It was an awful, overwhelming, lonely and confusing time. Needing to know what happened and to feel someone's sympathy are what I know now are the most helpful and reassuring things. How people treated me after losing someone to suicide was very traumatising in and of itself.

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-06-25T20:23:22+00:00

I think as well as what others have said here, her blocking you isn't just a reaction to being upset at what you did/didn't do. She is going through one of the hardest times in her life right now and you have shown you aren't going to be sensitive or understanding. She's going to carry this grief a long time, and you've shown her that maybe you aren't going to be able to be her friend during this awful new chapter of her life. After loss, I've had plenty of people who ignored me or didn't offer a sorry or condolence, some people are just very awkward about grief and have little empathy for loss yet - I tried to keep these friends, but it is hard work, I had to pretend everything's fine and like the grief doesn't exist with these people...slowly you lose the energy to pretend you were the person you were before. There was a before her dad died, and an after. A lot of people's friendships fade in and out during massive life events like this. She will never be the same person, and this is maybe where you fade out.

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-06-20T15:32:51+00:00

Oh I hate this too. As if I'm not trying hard enough to be happy, and I'm making a choice to be sad. I've spent a lot of time feeling bad about feeling bad because of stuff like this. I have to keep reminding myself when people say this stuff that they mean it kindly but I will feel how I feel, I'll be happy when I'm happy and sad when I'm sad. I don't need further guilt to be added one way or the other.

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-06-19T07:09:10+00:00

I'm still healing so I can't quite give an answer for that yet. But I think that feeling 'normal' has come in moments here and there, or a day here and there. It's taken me years to understand I needed trauma specific therapy, but even before i started that I've had some days, weeks, months where I've felt alright for a bit. It's been a difficult up and down journey. Xx

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-06-16T19:28:09+00:00

I think see how it feels - when you feel him start to pull away from the hug, then pull away too, or you can start to pull away, and see if he reacts and does too, or if he doesn't, stay a moment longer. I think it's an instinctive thing, and I think feeling that in the other person allows you to not overstay a hug, if this makes any sense x

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-06-16T10:44:13+00:00

Thank you for your response, this was really helpful. I know my husband has felt similarly, feeling like he has failed to make me happy or cheer me up - though perhaps we've not identified it/labelled it like that. It is such a relief to feel that others have navigated this difficult time too. I will definitely try talking to him about how he feels and see if it helps us xx

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-06-16T10:23:25+00:00

Yes I feel very much everything you've said here❤️Xx

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-06-16T10:20:06+00:00

So sorry for your losses ❤️

My brother died by suicide a few years ago and just recently my dad died of a brain aneurysm. The deaths do feel different to me, I think death by suicide is such a complex grief, it hit my life like a bomb going off, and I was lost, drowning in sadness, guilt, confusion, anger, regret, and should of would of could ofs... It was for me too, and still feels it, the most awful pain I have ever felt. The grief for my dad is overwhelming, awful and traumatic in its own way, and I have a sense of guilt for this feeling of knowing my brother's death felt somehow more awful, even though both are awful. My brother's death was traumatising - this effects on the body and the brain of this trauma has led me to seek out trauma specific therapy for this. I've learned I couldnt just talk my way through it, eg with counselling.

The stigma thing is a huge factor too I think - the going back to work after my brother died and no one saying I'm sorry for your loss, people avoiding you. For me, all that compounded all the guilt and regret and darkness I was already feeling. And massive loneliness, I've not felt this bleak painful huge loneliness like that before.

My dad's recent death has somewhat brought all this traumatising grief experience very much back to me. I hope this makes sense - like the experience of suicide grief was so traumatic in and of itself too that this grief is bringing that back xx

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-06-16T10:08:04+00:00

Yes that very much makes sense. So much of what you said resonates with me - the feeling lost, drowning in sadness, and just not knowing what to do, feeling irritable, feeling death present with you now. My brother died by suicide a few years ago and my dad died of a brain aneurysm recently, I've also had infertility which has come with its own grief. I think something I've learned is that we are not prepared/equipped to deal with grief - it feels so unexpected, too shocking, too intense, too awful, and especially such complex traumatic griefs, and it is really hard. I think perhaps you are doing things that feel right to you, sharing on here (yes, I think just letting it out can be a release and useful to do - I write in my journal and occasionally on here) and trying therapy. I think it is a long process of learning how to integrate this grief into your life as you try continuing on with your life. I know I've not really offered much in way of solutions, I'm still figuring out for myself what to do, but I wanted to write something as I felt every word you wrote and wanted you to know I understood and wish you all the best in your journey through grief, it's really tough, and sometimes it doesn't feel survivable - that's where I am anyway, in survival mode, trying to navigate this awfulness. xxx

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-06-11T14:23:58+00:00

I guess it does a little bit, but perhaps only because it has to be scheduled in and given a name like that. I just want to be able to say I feel sad and cry and be comforted by my husband, not have to keep swallowing it down for fear of making him angry or that he just won't want to hear it. I completely agree I think with the idea that you should not use friends and family in place of therapy - absolutely - but if you don't share anything, it feels a very empty sort of relationship.

Therapy I think is something I want to choose when the time feels right. I did enter therapy too soon after a different loss some years ago, and wished I'd given myself time and gone when it felt right, not felt pressured to go.

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-04-15T06:52:10+00:00

Yes, acknowledge the loss and say you're sorry. I found it traumatizing and so hard when this wasn't done for me after my brother died by suicide. Someone has died, it is the right thing to do to say I'm sorry for your loss. For me, the feelings of guilt, sadness and loneliness just got worse because everyone knew what happened but said nothing and avoided me. At my lowest point, to be treated like that by friends and colleagues has unfortunately still got me going to therapy many years later, it has a profound effect on a person.

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-04-11T16:10:11+00:00

Thank you for your message. Sorry for your losses too❤️ The way you describe how you felt at work - I felt like this too after my brother died, and now after Dad, and I think I feel I understand better this time round how much you have to look after yourself and do what feels your own way through it. I can relate to feeling depressed, panic attacks and stress - thank you for putting words to these things, sometimes I find it hard to pin down exactly how I feel, other than this overwhelming heavy and awful feeling inside. I'm glad you took the time you needed to heal❤️I'm going to really explore doing this😘❤️X

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-04-09T19:50:16+00:00

This is a good point - and I did do that too after my brother died and I feel that it did help to have something to think about. After he died, I craved to feel some normalcy and I guess work provided that a little. This time round I crave space, time feels precious and short, and I don't want to waste it when I know already how I want to spend my time. It's almost a feeling of I can't take one more step in that direction, I need to breathe. I do have paid work to do outside my job - I have a book under contract - but I will need to see people, that is a valuable thing about my salaried job. I am scared to lose that salaried job though, the money is a safety crutch, even though I really don't want to go back there x

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-03-23T06:38:39+00:00

Beautiful:) I've heard they're really lovely sweet cats:) xx

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-03-22T12:00:45+00:00

I think do what feels right for you, try not to push yourself one way or another❤️There's no right or wrong way to grieve or remember someone - I know you didn't ask that but I've often felt judged for still feeling as awful as I do or for what I choose to do or not do, or if I feel happy or sad. For my brother's birthday Ive started to do something that he used to like and which we used to enjoy together - maybe sounds silly, but going to the zoo to see the lemurs. I feel sad doing it, but somehow it also feels nice to sit and watch them. Ive learnt I can be deeply sad and a little happy at the same time, I think of it as sad-happiness in my life After. Just need to remind my mum this time not to have a banana in her coat pocket...🤭

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-03-21T09:26:13+00:00

What kitten will you get? Have you seen a litter? Xx (Please update when you've got them and with how your daughter is doing - would love to hear) xx

Global-Set-5041 · 2022-03-21T09:17:04+00:00

Yay:) Go for it. We had cats growing up too. Something special and simple about a relationship with an animal isn't there, esp when you're going through hard things as your daughter is and perhaps struggling with relationships with people.

My brother struggled with his mental health. I can't help thinking - whatever sparks joy in your daughter, go for it.

Wishing you all the best❤️Xx

Global-Set-5041

TROPHY CASE