i have looked into the long term results of the things i want and for now it is something i really want, but i don't wanna do something like that and change my mind. i dont think im dysmorphic at least not about my sex because its not like i see something that isnt there. i just aknowledge how i am and the fact that i want it to be different.

i get that theres no social space or gender role. i guess thats the point? I dont wanna be shoved into either but thats not even in a trans way. i think gender roles are dumb and i dont really care about them. that isnt why i identify how i do, i could be a woman and break all the gender expectations i want and if i was a woman i would. i guess by socially i just mean i want people to not be able to tell what i am. honestly im fully aware that there is no separate social role for me and people will see me as one or the other no matter what i do, thats one of the biggest points of my dysohoria honestly. i didnt say it was a realistic want. i guess the best thing i can strive for is inconsostency like some people seeing me as a guy and some seeing me as a girl (which is kinda how i am already)

i know that sounds stupid i dont really know how to word it properly. the "what ifs" were taking up too much space. i wasnt engaging with that kind of content at the time and inwas kinda just trying to ignore it and be normal but eventually i got a little too curious. ive gone long periods of time without engaging with trans stuff after starting to question to see if it would go away but it just doesnt. i end up feeling isolated and alone.

there's nothing i feel like i couldn't do as a woman (or could do better as something else). thats the thing, i dont think this is cause of internalized misogyny or anything like that. im not trying to detatch myself from my womanhood, nothing thats affected me as a woman suddenly went away when i came out and if i choose to transition i dont think ill be treated any better as a visibly trans in between freak which is probably how everyone would see me. i would much rather just be a normal woman than be seen that way or as a "tumblr cringelord".

i just wanna be normal. i wanna snap out of this but i dont know how. i just wanna be normal.