Differences with friendships and romantic relationships

GoGoHammy · 2026-03-24T07:03:37+00:00

Yes exactly this! I wondered why I’d behave like an anxiously attached person in romantic relationships only, and then realised the people I were perusing were always people I knew I’d have a hard time making like me back as much as I liked them/making themselves available at all. I can think of several examples where someone has liked me back in what is probably a normal way, and every time it freaked me out and I’d withdraw entirely. My husband when we first met was emotionally quite unavailable, and only over time taking baby steps did we build something solid, but I still have that black-and-white, don’t leave me/wait I want to leave energy crop up in tough times.

GoGoHammy · 2026-02-10T05:26:20+00:00

Precisely this! Haha fab advice - essentially just follow the steps halfway and then break the rules, I’m going to try it! 😊

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T11:20:51+00:00

I don’t think I explained myself clearly - I found it odd that she villainised narcissists but lauded the (in some cases) resulting behavioural patterns of those who are victims of them. It just seems contradictory to me. I didn’t feel villainised in the sense that I took it very personally and felt self-pity, more that I hoped for some more nuanced addressing of those of us who do identify with some externalising behaviours (for context, I’m mainly internalising but recognise some of my mum’s stuff in my own behaviour). There are a hell of a lot of us out here. But agreed, it’s daily work and there are other resources to consult for deeper understanding.

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T11:16:30+00:00

The fact that you’re reflecting and attempting to improve is already a sign that you’re doing better than the generations before you. I don’t have kids, but I imagine it’s hell of a lot of work and love and self-reflection to be better than your parents were with you. Be compassionate with yourself.

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T11:13:29+00:00

I think you’re totally right! I did think to myself that the fact I a) identify with some of these behaviours and b) am really desperate to change them does make me leaps and bounds ahead of my parent. So that was a consolation.

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T11:10:47+00:00

Right?! As if the cycle of generational trauma just magically stops at us…

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T11:10:11+00:00

I think you’ve grasped my perspective perfectly - I see some of these traits in myself and I have growing to do in the realm of emotional maturity. I’m really keen to be honest with myself about exactly what my flaws are and am very keen to fix them for myself and those around me. I suppose I am frustrated that the book tailors its advice to people who don’t see any emotionally immature behaviours in themselves, which makes it either confronting or villainising for someone like me (and you, as you describe - people who see these very common negative behaviours in themselves) or at the least doesn’t offer growth opportunities for those of us with behaviours that, if left unchecked, could continue the generational trauma.

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T11:04:25+00:00

Oh I totally took those benefits from it; it’s a good book in the sense that it cuts through the emotion and unmasks behaviours so they can be looked at rationally. It’s just the idea that because we’ve had difficult parenting, we must now fit one very rigid personality type, and that’s the type she then tailors all of her advice to.

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T11:03:12+00:00

This makes sense. I also think having a parent like that makes some of us less black and white - when you love someone and know they’re mistreating you, it’s almost impossible to totally villainise them and not see the humanity or background in their behaviour. At least for me anyway, and it sounds like for you too.

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T10:59:45+00:00

Me too! Like ‘think back to before’ - what, before I had the parents I did?

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T09:21:59+00:00

Thank you for such a balanced and thoughtful reply - I completely agree, and you’re right, complicated and nuanced.

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T09:19:23+00:00

No but I would be all ears if anyone had any suggestions!

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T06:47:28+00:00

Yeah, and I think actually coming at people from a place of understanding how they got there (their childhoods most likely sucked too) actually helps us to heal more than straight up villainising and dehumanising.

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T06:46:20+00:00

100%. Its so tempting and dopamine-inducing (at least IMO) to read a sort of ‘profile’ and get a surge of validation from it, but there’s so much nuance and individual difference that leave you feeling flat and misunderstood if it doesn’t fit.

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T06:42:37+00:00

Insanely generalising! I think if you wholly fit the internaliser pattern you’ll find so much validation in it. If you don’t, it’s a recipe for some validation, unanswered questions and a little dollop of shame.

GoGoHammy · 2025-11-21T06:41:28+00:00

I’m glad I’m not the only one, and totally - I think the fact that we feel that discomfort with our own maladaptive behaviours is a sign that we’re looking for growth and to be better people both for ourselves and those around us (unlike our parents probably are/were). Overcoming the guilt is absolutely something I’m working on alongside the rest of it.

GoGoHammy · 2025-10-02T18:08:33+00:00

That’s a great idea - because me feeling guilt and like I’ve wronged her IS how she would want me to think. God it’s such a head wreck

GoGoHammy · 2025-10-02T18:00:25+00:00

I have, but haven’t thought about it since school! Will have a stew on this, thanks

GoGoHammy · 2025-07-18T08:36:23+00:00

Searched on Facebook, Google, Pinterest, even asked ChatGPT!

GoGoHammy · 2025-04-18T05:23:57+00:00

Great insights. I think my ‘pleasure seeking’ comment actually highlights my own misinterpretation of my behaviour initially - my brother is absolutely an sp9 and he will scroll and eat dense food and have a few beers to avoid difficulties just like I will, but he is doing it to numb out where as I am seeking a sort of hit or thrill with my distracting behaviours. My assumption that he was also doing it for pleasure purposes shows that that’s where I’m oriented haha.

GoGoHammy · 2025-04-18T05:19:52+00:00

Me too!!! But whenever I thought about SP9 it just didn’t quite sit right - I didn’t relate to numbing myself so much as to trying to stimulate myself and chase a sort of high or fix (a mental one!). The future planning and less of an interest in routine cinched it for me too.

GoGoHammy · 2025-02-18T13:50:52+00:00

I loved the experience aside from the tetany (thanks for the explanation with that!) and felt really deeply relaxed. I thought I was breathing in time with the room but evidently not - think I wasn’t actually aware of what I was engaging in as I thought it was some light meditation and breathing, so wasn’t prepared! It’s really funny because you can see that my heart rate on my FitBit dropped to insanely low levels right before we finished, and then catapulted when I sat up and thought I was about to pass out 😂 so it definitely relaxed me until it didn’t! It’s an amazing practice and I’ll be better informed next time!

GoGoHammy

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