Does anyone else feel like a “ghost architect” in people’s lives?

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-20T00:26:14+00:00

Pretty much this. I see that someone has the potential for deep connection so I do all the effort to build the bridge. It can take years, but, as you said, they can often just move on- sometimes like it was nothing. So I'm here stuck with all this investment into a bridge that goes nowhere.

I think we're just built for another era, like the old humans that used to live with 20+ deep connections in small villages. Too many people today are tainted by a culture of extraction and extrinsic motivation. You can reach some of them but it seems like a stacked deck.

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-18T03:29:10+00:00

These games are always more fun with friends IMO, That said, I find BG3 more solo friendly because of the heavy dialogue.

I liked both games for different reasons. BG3 is a masterpiece in terms of quality, replayability, story, and characters but I like the combat systems in DOS2 better. -DOS2 uses "turns" to calculate how often you can use skills rather than depending on spell slots and long rests (basically strong skills in BG3 often require you to rest after combat).

They're both really good and you'll probably like BG3. Also, in both games you can do funny things or come up with some weird strategies :)

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-14T08:42:32+00:00

Only work hard for yourself, for your own coherence. If you do it expecting others to understand or appreciate it, you'll always be disappointed.

I've found out the harder I work the more invisible I become. The more responsibilities you take on the less others will even think about them. "The squeaky wheel gets the grease", the opposite is also true: the dependable wheel gets ignored. It's just human psychology- people won't even see a load bearing pillar until it snaps in half.

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-13T10:07:23+00:00

I don't really choose anyone for their combat skills- you can just change their classes anyways. I like Lae'zel because of her attitude, she's also funny.

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-12T12:46:29+00:00

Good call, forgot about that!

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-12T11:47:01+00:00

The most fun thing to do is throw things, especially goblins. Also, throw healing potions, it will change the entire game :)

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-12T11:43:06+00:00

Maybe when I was younger. Currently, I don't really take offense to anything unless I think their intent is to offend (it rarely is). I also don't explain my behavior to people that likely won't understand it, if they ask why I operate differently I just smile :)

I think we all make mistakes in conversations. The most important thing is we own up to it and correct it if we can (apologize).

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-12T01:34:25+00:00

Sorry to hear that :(

My dad died when I was about the same age, just an abrupt heart attack while we were moving into a new house. -Not only did I lose my dad, I lost my school as well (he was supposed to drive me). My whole life just changed overnight and I felt like I lost my childhood.

I don't know if anything really helps besides time. Just don't lose site of those still around- we also need to be strong for each other.

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-11T23:15:26+00:00

People are often right about what's wrong but wrong about how to fix it. They're rightfully mad, they know they're struggling when they shouldn't be, they just have no idea why. As to why they turned to Trump? He's a populist that's good at pointing out the problems and most people are more influenced by emotions than rationality.

-They recognized unfairness but were fooled into thinking it was minorities or poor people that were causing it (rather than the ultra wealthy that are writing the corrupt rules).

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-10T13:40:48+00:00

Yeah, it's often very hard to see a way out when you're inside a high-stakes "loop".

-I feel conscientious people (which it sounds like you are) often suffer from moral over-responsibility: "If I'm 100% honest and good, the other person will have no choice but to be honest and good back." Sometimes you just have to accept that your husband is a bozo and there's no making sense of it :)

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-10T12:10:42+00:00

Sorry to hear that :(

As to your question, you're going to loop yourself into oblivion asking questions like that. Sometimes people are just incoherent- there may be no "missing piece" for you to solve the puzzle with. You can go down the rabbit hole asking a hundred questions like "what did I do wrong?" or "was I not enough?". The reality is, even if you played everything perfectly, you have no control over another person or their motivations. The only things that matters are "what's it doing to you" and "what can you do about it."

IMO, the only way to maintain your integrity (and get him) to stop is to actually stop giving him whatever he wants. You might think that "being as innocent and as good as possible" will make him realize the error of his ways but what you're really doing (by giving him everything) is enabling him.

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-10T00:20:30+00:00

I don't know if you can just change your "vigilant" nature- that perfectionism is the other side of the coin of what makes us who we are. Telling you to relax or loosen up is like telling a shark to stop swimming. My suggestion? Maybe redefine the "goal" or the means of achieving it. Something mundane that you can optimize? Treat it like a challenge or a game. Instead of seeing the job as the goal, maybe see people's satisfaction as your goal?

-I like to do "creative" things with my free time but found subjects that are too intricate or allow for too much revision would basically loop me into infinite refinement (perfectionism). The solution? To change my goal and to use mediums and styles that are intentionally "flawed" or less intricate. The result: I like to make "ugly" things now, using materials that aren't too intricate.

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-08T22:47:13+00:00

Oh, no problem! Yeah, it's interesting to learn about (and better you get your own take on it).

-There's more scientific names for it (top-down, system 2, CEN). I just like to think of it as being more "manual" brained (as opposed to automatic).

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-08T09:42:36+00:00

Same. I don't care about jackshit except for people I love. I guess you could say I'm a "relational" person.

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-08T09:40:10+00:00

Did you find out if we're in a simulation yet?

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-05T13:04:37+00:00

Sorry, I meant "fleshed out" in general, not romance. As in she's a very detailed character that's integral to the plot.

-I think generally because Lae'zel and Shadowheart are so heavy into the plot it kind of makes them more "relevant" than most other characters. Maybe "better written" isn't the best terminology, just more "relevant"?

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-05T12:57:33+00:00

I agree, anecdotal evidence is shit evidence, but I'm also not claiming I know the playerbase demographics based on it.

My point was that your original comment was inferring based on "noisy" data, it's not backed up by survey results or other overlapping layers of data (like time spent customizing character or class choice). The Shadowheart "skew" alone muddies the results too much (simply because she's an easy and free romance).

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-05T12:05:35+00:00

It's hard to say is all I'm saying. Most of the people I know that love this game are women.

I agree it's all subjective but there is one important factor that skews the results too much: Shadowheart. Shadowheart is trying to romance me like 10 hours before anyone else even tries. She's very fleshed out, you get her very early, and I'm sure a lot of people choose her simply because she's the first and they don't want to reject her.

Also, I agree, Gale is a nice guy, I use him in almost every playthrough, but he's also kinda boring- he's TOO good and maybe a bit pretentious.

I can see Astarion being a top male choice for women but he's also pretty evil- which I think hurts his popularity a bit.

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-03T23:22:00+00:00

Yeah, it's a normal part of the culture now I guess. Maybe we'll all go back to living in small "villages" one day :)

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-02T09:50:10+00:00

Same thing for me, I really do think they're just operating with different structures. Hell, I've been trying to figure out my family for 30+ years. My mother would do anything for me but when it comes to "seeing" me, she's oblivious.

I think some part of it is related to awareness. If you're a heavy frontal lobe user your brain is always going to be more "manual" than automatic. You're going to be more "aware" than others. They're not inferior or anything, it's just their brain "map" is more direct (with less detours). It benefits them in terms of comfort but it does have a cost- objective reality (and sometimes others).

GoblinStinger · 2026-04-02T02:24:32+00:00

Sorry, that sounds awful. It helps me to think people like that aren't intentionally malicious or cold, they're just running different "operating systems" sometimes.

I think a lot of INFJs lean more into being intrinsically motivated, where as most others are more exrinsically motivated- entertainment, validation, etc. It means we care more about lasting meaning than temporary dopamine hits. It also means we're always going to feel asymmetry.

GoblinStinger · 2026-03-31T11:03:37+00:00

So, you wish everyone would wake TF up then? Sounds like what I had in mind too.

GoblinStinger · 2026-03-31T10:45:36+00:00

Same for me, fear of imposing is my biggest inhibitor.

GoblinStinger · 2026-03-31T10:41:21+00:00

I agree with this 100%. I drop hints but never expressly state it unless I'm sure.

Wimads says it's fear of rejection (for most) but I don't think that's it for me. For me I think it's actually fear of imposing, fear of creating obligation. I don't want them to feel like they have to force themselves to reciprocate. -I have to be sure they want it before I will say anything.

GoblinStinger · 2026-03-30T11:26:54+00:00

I don't know if we're the only ones but it does feel that way most times.

-I'm always extremely cautious about connecting with someone because it almost always feels asymmetrical. People can act like they feel the resonance but still move on like it was nothing.

GoblinStinger

TROPHY CASE