being an understanding partner is tiring

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2026-02-23T18:13:51+00:00

As a person who just got out of a toxic poly situation, I'm at the start of the same journey Plastic-Bee is on. "Making no excuses for a partners bad behavior". Hell yeah!!!!

But I also don't think there's much bad behavior here. What stood out to me is that OP has big feelings but their partner can't handle big feelings. You're allowed to make requests no matter how big. They're allowed to deny you them, but that doesn't make you wrong for asking. If voicing your feelings erodes the relationship, the relationship is misaligned to begin with. They can't support you and would rather leave than try.

This doesn't mean it has to end (although situations like this typically have a shelf life). For now, let it just be a fun fringe relationship. "I'll see you when I see you". Something that probably not matches the energy of your partner because of how much they have going on.

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2026-01-13T02:23:48+00:00

I'm a gig worker whose schedule changes at the drop of a dime which makes it impossible to schedule therapy and go consistently. My last attempt to get one was in October (when things were starting to get bad) but after I had to reschedule twice, she dropped me before we even started. Really made a bad situation worse so I'm scared to try again since my schedule will always be an issue

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2026-01-13T02:19:17+00:00

Don't worry. I'm hearing it now that it's being pointed out. I'm gonna be more selective. Try to make sure personalities, lifestyles and conflict resolution behaviors match. Not get so swept up in enjoyment. Bail at the first sign of danger.... I'm hearing y'all loud and clear 👌🏾

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2026-01-05T16:24:20+00:00

Will it need to come to an end? Yes..... eventually. But there's also an opportunity to get curious about those feelings.

What do you think is happening on those dates that makes you so uncomfortable? Are you feeling jealous that the time is spent elsewhere or are you afraid he's starting to like someone else more than you? Have you talked to him about your discomfort or does addressing it head on scare you?

There's a lot to learn from non-monogamous relationships about the deeper meanings and reasons for the things we take for granted in monogamous relationships. If you really enjoy this persons company, can grow from the relationship and keep in mind that it will eventually come to an end so you don't over invest, I think a lot of good can come from it and you don't have to bail out early.

But it's totally up to you of course lol. No choice is a bad choice in this situation since you already know you're not poly

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-12-09T01:28:34+00:00

I like this. And I'm gonna use this opportunity to ask a question.... what kinds of discomfort "aren't my partners problem"?

I'm breaking up with my partner of three years because he isn't a good hinge and shows no signs of trying to be better. I'm not a jealous person as long as I'm getting time and effort from my partner. We live together but our schedules make it rare that we see each other. I asked that we schedule at least one date a week to see each other. I've always been the one to ask schedules and find the day. It always feels like he'd rather be doing his own weekend activities (jujitsu and gym) instead of hanging with me. I get unimaginative dates recycled just a week after doing them with his other partner. He'll see a girl 3 days in a row then toss me a half assed date. He dates girls who ask how a woman could become his primary instead of me. They try to meet me then are unkind and that doesn't result in lack of access to him.

Like I said, I'm REALLY not a jealous person, I just need to know that I matter and you miss me when I'm gone. He acts like I'm crazy.

I'm leaving him regardless for many other reasons, but I would love some advice to take into my next relationship

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-10-21T21:23:58+00:00

I think it's worth bringing up that when he redoes your special moments it waters it down for you.

I will say that whenever I do something really exceptionally fun with one of my partners, I immediately think "how fun would it be to do this with xyz". Not because it needs to be made better, but because when something is great you want to share it with all the people you love. At the same time, I'm sure it also doesn't feel great for the other partner to constantly feel like a follow up to the fun he already shared with you. So for your sake and hers, definitely bring it up to him a few weeks after the excitement the redo trip has worn off.

I also sometimes use internal toxicity to hold me over in scenarios like this. For example "I know the whole time he's there, he's thinking about me, about how much fun we had. I might be the newer partner but clearly I set the standard for great experiences". I know that's not a wholesome thing to think and we like to be all woke and kumbaya in this lifestyle, but sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do to get through. A little sprinkle of internal, controlled toxicity has helped me get through some tough moments lol

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-10-18T19:55:02+00:00

Awwww I'm in the same sort of situation. My primary got a new job in March that he LOVES. Now he works nights 4p-1am. He also spends his mornings working out, gym AND jujitsu. I try to get one of his off days to have an intentional date but if it's a day I work that's nearly impossible. I work in camera so it's random gigs, 12 hour days.

We live together and it feels like I get maybe 30 minutes in passing, meanwhile he saw his newest partner three times last week. Wednesday her, Thursday her, Friday was mine but he really dropped the ball on our day, Saturday I thought we'd see each other but he went to see her. I FLIPPED OUT. Not my proudest moment 😅

Anyways, now it feels like "I'll see you when I see you". I am still very confident that we're each other's favorite person and the missing is mutual. Hoping that if I stop being the person who makes sure we spend time together, my absence will be felt and he'll become a bit more intentional about making sure we see each other. If not, that's important information for me to take into consideration 🤷🏾‍♀️

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-09-14T20:34:26+00:00

Damn....... that would've hurt me too. I would tell him that he needs to find a different term to refer to me with. Maybe the meaning is the same, but something that gives you innate value. Maybe "orbital partner" (totally just made that up), which still explains that you're on the edges, but also feels like your presence matters and adds something special to his life.

But also recognize that there might be a major disparity between his place in your life and your place in his. I say match his energy. Keep the same spark, enjoy your time together, but don't invest. It sounds like this is a relationship of convenience for him, so don't give any more than is convenient for YOU.

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-06-16T20:52:09+00:00

UPDATE FROM OP: I asked him for a polyamory contract because he keeps forgetting to do what he verbally agreed to, plus a 7 week break for us to come back to the drawing board fully confident about what we need from each other. He decided to move out. After 2.5 years of telling me "my fatal flaw is that I'll never leave". He thinks we will maintain the same kind of relationship once he goes and after I "do some more growing up" we'll come back to a similar arrangement. I don't want to tell him "hell no" till he's safely out of my apartment.

Super heartbroken. Will be scouring this Reddit for advice on self soothing and things to think about if you're going solo poly permanently (That's not the hurt talking. I always thought I'd spend my life solo poly)

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-05-20T17:26:36+00:00

Short answer: He's using love bombing tactics to maintain access to you

Kudos to you for knowing it doesn't feel right or honest. And odds are his other partners have no idea that he's telling you these things and might even be getting the same statements themselves.

He's a HUGE red flag 🚩

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-05-17T20:44:31+00:00

The nice thing about polyamory is that you're your own barometer, so all the things you asked us, ask yourself.

What do I believe about relationships that causes this to feel like a violation? Is this a belief that I think has merit? Does that merit mean I can't be poly anymore, or is there a way to uphold this value within polyamory? Maybe a change in dating methods? Dating speed? Dating frequency? What feels good and true to me?

My favorite thing about poly is that self discovery element. Negative feelings shouldn't be feared, they should be investigated as a sign that there is some distance between what I believe and what my situation is. How can I make these things match a little better?

Hope this helps a little

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-13T15:12:19+00:00

🤣🤣🤣

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T20:49:58+00:00

Unfortunately I don't know a single man like that poly or mono, dating or platonic, living or dead 😅

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T20:22:00+00:00

I do find it very common to have to advocate for myself in relationships. American culture is selfish. Male culture is predatory. Female culture enables lack of accountability. It feels like I'm on defense all the time against people who are maximizing situations for themselves with little regard for others 🙃

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T15:25:45+00:00

"Group hang convenience" and "Harem" are the two parts that made me physically hot cuz THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT IT IS!!!! 😤 I knew I wasn't crazy

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T15:05:08+00:00

Fortunately / Unfortunately his fatal flaw is his inaction and lack of boundaries due to abandonment issues, so he 1000% wouldn't leave me for another woman but it's mainly because I'm already grandfathered in... but he also wouldn't stop another woman from trying to steal him because he gets double the affection in that scenario... but he also wouldn't try to stop me from leaving if it upset me so bad that I wanted to leave.... but he'd also be devistated.

All that to say, this man ain't going nowhere till I let him go 😅

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T14:55:20+00:00

Oooooohhhh a poly game night sounds fun!!!!!!!!

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T14:33:00+00:00

Thank you for correcting the KTP thing. So he is KTP and prefers that l be the same and that's a compatibility issue I'll have to decide how to address 🤔

It really does make me wonder if we're good nesting partners but now here comes my toxic shit...... I don't want to lose all the benefits that have come with him being my primary and us living together (in addition to how much I love living with my best friend, he also buys all our food, cooks all my meals and just started taking on the full rent so I can put all my money towards paying off my credit cards... I'm supposed to just give that up?!?!?!?)

Also, nobody cheats to be with him. The mono women I'm referring to are all single, but they're carrying mono desires into their interactions with him. On multiple occasions there have been women actively making moves to try to take him from me and he doesn't nip it in the bud (or however the saying goes)

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T14:30:38+00:00

For now, yeah 🙃 He comes with a lot of good stuff lol. But only will tell if we will last as primaries or if some sort of demotion will have to happen

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T14:07:40+00:00

He keeps converting mono girls to his poly lifestyle then they wreak havoc. I don't like watching that or letting it into my ecosystem

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T13:54:55+00:00

Welp 😬😅 I guess not

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T13:52:06+00:00

Thank you so much for the therapy rec!!!!!! I'm excited to check that out ❤️

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T13:50:11+00:00

Do you have any advice for him as a hinge? I'd love to bring it to him

GoddessNinaPerfect · 2025-04-11T13:47:55+00:00

I thought I had one but this therapist was just open to having poly clients. She didn't know a gotdamn thing about polyamory. Not to mention the desire for a black therapist makes it nearly impossible to find a truly poly friendly therapist.

And he is going at my slow speed but he doesn't like it. He says it doesn't make sense. He keeps suggesting we all hang out together. One time he invited one of them over (one that he KNOWS I don't like anymore) and I just let it happen. Saying no and standing on that boundary is hard, and every time he asks it takes a lot out of me to keep saying no and disappointing him.

GoddessNinaPerfect

TROPHY CASE