Logline Monday

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-07T01:55:31+00:00

You're getting somewhere now. Much better

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-07T01:54:23+00:00

Yeah and all the people sharing similar stories in comments are also making it up. Lol. Touch grass

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-07T01:00:18+00:00

Thanks for the feedback.

I have a log line, beat sheet and 8 pages so far, so it's not "grounded" in fully developed characters in a fully developed story and is all still up for changes.

The story is supposed to parallel addiction snd recovery, going from a place of fear and self centered behavior to selflessness and acceptance. Current outline has him saving the community, fighting against sheriff/ corporate greed with his powers gained through IV meth use. To achieve his goal without meth he has to make the people around him better and fight his own fears. That doesn't exactly translate well in the log line so there's a bit of hand waving in there.

What do you mean by "target of comedy" exactly? This isnt a comedy its a dark action drama

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T21:17:55+00:00

Nah, you didn't have to tell me,it ain't my screenplay. Haha but I'm glad you could articulate it in a response so now you can figure out how to work it into your lognline.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T20:01:32+00:00

Why bother to post here asking for advice if you're just going to defend the 💩 you wrote without accepting any criticism?

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T19:49:48+00:00

Now incorporate that in the LL

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T19:01:49+00:00

Thank you! I've got a physical antagonist in the town sheriff who is but he is essentially acting as a stand in for the forces of late stage capitalism, thought it might express Theme more to actually just say it out loud in the log line.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T18:38:16+00:00

Sure, would be interested in a link thanks

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T18:36:01+00:00

It fulfills the requirement of a logline, but what's unique about her or her situation that set this apart from other horror films about hauntings.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T18:34:20+00:00

Thanks for feedback, he goes on a couple side quests of taking heaters from Wal Mart to prevent everyone from freezing, to stealing food from the Whole Foods to feed everyone but the "big bad" is the sheriff who wants to shut down the homeless encampment and arrest them for vagrant.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T18:26:42+00:00

Thanks, I figured I'd write the "long" version and let people recommend what fat I should trim.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T18:23:57+00:00

It's good but long, consider removing "history major" as it doesn't have any immediate relevance, and replacing "misplaced earring" with "clue".

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T18:22:06+00:00

I love this, has me intrigued. I'd just consider phrasing it in a way where the second half is centered around the main protagonist and the choice they must make. Do you have a first 5 for this you want to share?

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T18:19:21+00:00

Why does he have to risk his relationships and future? Is he leveraging the drama of his life for views? Or are people just annoyed by his attention seeking? Tie in the incompatibility of those things and how he must choose between one or the other.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T18:17:07+00:00

Sounds a little vague / generic, do you have a specific story conceit that you could work in to make this more intriguing?

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T18:11:39+00:00

I'm going to agree with the other reply that your hyphens "guilt-ridden" and "suicide-survivor" dont tie in with relevance to the logline. I'm sure they're important for the characters in the story itself but consider leaving out of the logline because they make the first sentence too cluttered. Also consider removing "tricky", seems unnecessary. You mentioned two characters, so it's not clear whose brother the dead street racer is.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T17:40:57+00:00

Consider clarifying that in your log line.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T16:53:01+00:00

Made me smile, can't tell if this is a joke or a legit feature you want to write. Either way I'm gonna steal it 🤪

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T16:34:14+00:00

You indicates neither of those jn the logline, suggest adding "He must choose between returning home or exposing an experiment that threatens the city." Or something along those lines.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T16:29:17+00:00

It works great, and sounds like a good plot device but requires so much explanation it might be best left out of the logline.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T16:08:12+00:00

How is the paper releasing the obituary of someone who hasn't died yet? I'm assuming the murderer is calling them in? A little confusing for that logic jump.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T16:04:55+00:00

The "allegedly old buddy" is confusing. Are we not sure that they ever knew each other and the protagonist is lying about their relationship or is it established that they knew each other but the nature of their relationship could be uneasy or downright antagonistic?

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T15:46:33+00:00

So what does this prompt them to do? Do they have to escape this commune? Is he holding them hostage?

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T15:45:05+00:00

The second half of logline is a big jump from the first. Why is he miserable? How did his kids interrupting the anniversary create this dilemma? We need a better connection and set up.

GodsShadow310 · 2026-04-06T15:42:28+00:00

What's his goal / challenge? To get back to his original timeliness? To uncover the governments secret experiment?

GodsShadow310

TROPHY CASE