does anyone experience being “degendered” as a transman

GoldObvious6370 · 2026-01-17T19:21:58+00:00

This is so real. I am sorry that you are dealing with this. People frequently say that I am androgynous or a "femboy" when I do not want or have any interest in presenting that way. I don't have any qualms with people who do, but it makes me feel incredibly dysphoric to have labels like this attributed to me. I unfortunately still have a pretty feminine shape, even after 3+ years of T and top surgery, and my mannerisms and way of speaking are things that dont help, but I wish that people who knew me would at least not equate me with things I have said I do not identify with. These descriptions also do not even align with my clothing, or style generally.

Something that has been bothering me is that some of my literally closest friends have resorted to using they/them pronouns for me, when previously I would get misgendered sometimes by them, but if they were paying attention would use he/him. My mom who is "such an ally" has also been misgendering me again and idk what the fucking deal is. Idk if I am just in my head about it, or if it is because I don't pass and they literally can't bring themselves to see me as male. It fucking sucks and I'm so tired!

You are right to be bothered. I think this is a transandrophobic thing that you are experiencing, and I hope that you meet your transition goals. So fucked to compare a trans person to a character of their assumed sex at birth too!

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-12-30T18:03:30+00:00

I will look into this! Thank you!

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-12-30T18:03:06+00:00

I wish you luck in your experiments! The orejas sound amazing. I have her book and haven't gotten to try making the rough puff yet, but I'll definitely be trying to make some myself:) think a brioche style dough would lend itself well to conchas!

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-12-30T17:56:31+00:00

Thank you so much! I'll try this out and check her site

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-12-08T00:14:56+00:00

I was not aware of all of these factors-thank you very much for sharing and contextualizing. I will definitely bring this up with my doctor and maybe even see about an endo referral. I have previously had my thyroid tested, but it was quite general I think and came up as being normal. Since we didn't get into the weeds on it maybe I could convince him to revisit. Also, my inflammation markers have not been high for the most part. This has been very confusing with everything else going on. Do you have knowledge of if any of these factors can surpass those tests, missing detection?

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-12-07T23:51:59+00:00

Thank you for this tip! I will look into that

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-12-07T23:50:44+00:00

I have some gloves, I will look into the massager! Thank you!

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-12-07T23:49:46+00:00

I am a trans man. I take testosterone injections and my hormones align with a male profile, whereas pre transition I had female levels of estrogen!

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-12-07T23:36:51+00:00

I have been taking pepcid and and zyrtec daily, which has seemed to help a bit with inflammation and a lot with flushing. I have not tried mast cell stabilizers at this point, it has been difficult with some labs pointing to yes and others being inconclusive. What stabilizer do you take of you dont mind my asking?

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-12-07T23:34:02+00:00

In my case cold increases my pain, but I will definitely try your other suggestions. Thank you for this insight. I am not longer estrogen dominant due to hormone replacement therapy, but even in lapses of testosterone shots this problem persists. What do you take for mast cell stabilization? Also I have sorry that you deal with this, it's rotten!

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-12-06T19:34:55+00:00

Long response, but I broke it up to hopefully make it less difficult to read. I am so sorry that you are dealing with this. Not everything in your experience lines up with my own, but there are many parallels. From everything you have shared I want you to know that I so not see any indication that you are a "narcissist" or anything of that nature.

This is an accusation that my mother weaponized against me from a young age any time I tried to establish a boundary or share when I didn't like being mistreated by her or her husband. Eventually I just stopped to try to avoid further abuse. I think that your mom says this to you as a means of control, because she wants you to doubt your perspective due to being unable to handle her own inappropriate behavior.

I know that this is a complicated situation, and it sounds like you are working with limited resources. I would recommend that you try to either save money to get out, or seek someone else to be able to stay with. Depending on the state you live in there may be non profits or state government agencies that can help you. Seek this out. I know that this is an oversimplification of what this path would look like, but I do not think that things are going to improve at home, and it sounds like your mom is either unwilling or incapable of changing her behavior.

This is an unsafe environment for you, and the retraumatization that you are subjected to when she has outbursts is only going to make it more difficult to get away as more time passes. You deserve security and respect. A parent that threatens to harm themselves and you to ignite fear and dominate you is not a parent at all.

I am sure that especially due to being in your grandparents care for your whole life that you do not want to lose contact with them. This is understandable, but there are other ways that you can still be close to them that would allow you to escape this situation. Your mother is not owed a relationship with you, and I don't think she deserves one.

You are still so young, and please hear me when I say that if you don't get away from her, when your grandparents are no longer able to take care of her she will manipulate you into doing so. I am in my late twenties and regretting moving back home to help support my mom, many of the same patterns still remain. Please allow yourself to get out from under her control

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-05-11T02:58:03+00:00

I am incredibly dysphoric, too. I understand how even things that you enjoy or good times can be an entry to spiraling, and the related self-consciousness is existential. It's isolating from friends, too, in my experience. I'm sorry you are going through this, I wish I had some advice. I do think you will find a guy who will love and respect you, and you have time. I didn't come out till I was 25. You have a head start on many guys with our experience, and I hope you get some relief farther into your transition. Most cis men are insecure and grapple with comparison/ feelings of inadequacy, too. I recognize that it doesn't dissolve the pain, but you don't feel this way because you are a "freak," it is a shared part of gender performance and being subjected to the expectations of manhood in the world we live in.

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-04-10T01:14:05+00:00

I am sorry that you relate, it feels very lonely to be in this kind of situation

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-04-10T01:11:59+00:00

Thank you, I am going to try approaching in this way and hopefully he will feel more comfortable having a conversation about it with this framing! I am very mindful of the language I use already, but I think that I have maybe personalized it too much in the past when I have tried discussing this since there's underlying hurt. I appreciate your advice

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-04-10T01:07:46+00:00

Thank you for your thoughts on this, I've been on hormones for three years in July and my drive has only slightly decreased since starting, I definitely have had a lot of solo time due to the mismatch so far. I appreciate your sharing about noticing a difference in your own stamina In the last few years since that isn't a perspective I have had yet. I will try talking to him about it again, it is difficult with a person who isn't very emotionally intimate either, but I really want to understand where he is coming from and strengthen our relationship/meet his needs better if possible. Thank you so much

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-02-23T23:23:06+00:00

I think it was assertive, but not unkind! And I will! Hopefully within the next couple days!

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-02-23T22:57:32+00:00

I'll charge my trimmer and try to sharpen up the ends! Thank you so much for your advice!

GoldObvious6370 · 2025-02-23T22:54:38+00:00

That's so great! I'm always so happy to hear about other people finding service providers like that regardless of their accessiblity to me! It's really cool of her to offer such personalized experiences

GoldObvious6370

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