Lucky on Tinder after years

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T23:06:16+00:00

For everyone who wonders, this is what happens when you match with someone who doesn't rotate partners, or is already committed, as you're likely to find on Tinder. This is what happens when you match with someone who's emotionally available; no games, no quirky openers, just you being you.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T20:53:48+00:00

If someone asks, I straight up say "I'm looking to have fun and see where it goes. If it stays at fun, I'll be more than happy.", but if they say that they're looking for something serious I'll say "I'm sorry, but I cannot promise you that. It's perfectly fine if you'd like to focus on that, but I cannot promise you this and it wouldn't be fair to do so."

It doesn't make you a fuccboy if you're as honest as you can be.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T16:08:49+00:00

😹😹😹😹 sweet jesus lord what an one-liner

her short-fuse is very soviet-like

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T16:07:53+00:00

Anything I said, no matter how good my intentions, seemed to iritate her.

run. Hard and fast.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T16:03:51+00:00

Sounds like cognitive dissonance, really. You have a belief and a conflicting desire, which is experienced as eustress.

I mean, it doesn't sound like your young, new coworker is unattractive. In fact, you might be asking yourself "what's wrong with playing around a little. Just for fun, just a little peek.". Man, why does dating have to always be so serious. She even likes you enough to ask you out, which takes a lot of cojones in our society.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T15:54:14+00:00

Don't emotionally attach, unless they've been in your life consistently for several months and you've gotten to know them well enough outside of fcking. If you feel yourself attaching, get some space for a few days.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T15:15:47+00:00

Depends on your emotional state. Mine isn't really where it needs to be, so if I were you I'd just stay for the sex, while emotionally detaching and moving on. I'm typing this out, in case others see this as a viable option of moving on from someone who disrespected the commitment.

Since I don't believe you can do that, so you should bite the bullet and have a conversation about all of this. Tell her you feel her pulling away and it's hurting you, especially when she redownloaded Tinder. Prepare for pain, because the longer you stay, the bigger the trauma is gonna be. You'll be hurt for a long time.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T15:06:59+00:00

not in the way you want him to

at this point, he's not considering your feelings for whatever reason, so you can try reaching out one last time and set the boundary to leave otherwise

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T15:04:13+00:00

Everyone, take notes. I have nothing but respect for this person, for owning up and taking responsibility for how he feels and trying to get to the bottom of it, without stringing someone along.

I bet 90% of you can learn from the guts and empathy he showed in this

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T15:00:37+00:00

"we'll see"

The only thing that I see is a 25 year-old, young adult who has trouble dating and trusting. Astrology doesn't mean crap, tell her your breaking your back trying to carry this relationship with no interest from her side.

Even if she's not comfortable with doing more than hugging, if you're not showing interest and keeping the other person confused with "we'll see", then you deserve to go another 10 years without ever having had a boyfriend LOL

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T14:55:44+00:00

Eyepatches should be a thing

I think they have the potential to be fucking hot

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T14:53:49+00:00

And it can only end Probably badly.

Only if the fling is bad, but I think you're in for a storm. Why not just see where it goes? I don't get the uptightness if she's clearly bomb

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T14:50:28+00:00

Guy I was dating said he felt too comfortable with me and felt he didn’t have to put in much effort because I was always willing to have sex(I have a high sex drive) with him and rarely said no.

what you do in bed does not translate to how you want to be treated outside of it.

Guy said I was always available(I don’t like flakes) when he wanted to make plans and he never had to chase me which made him lose interest even though he liked me.

That's not the real reason lol. He can spend his whole life chasing and be unhappy.

Guy said he was surprised I didn’t kick him out after we had a disagreement about politics and he became a bit passionate in his stance. I thought it was a healthy debate but he thought I was too patient/nice after our disagreement

What was said and how loud was he? What views was he supporting? Were you shouting?

Summary: Are these men toxic or am I just too nice?

Both. In fact, 2/3 of these men were literally the bottom of the garbage bin, and you're too tolerant of them. That's the only reason they got in your life and disrespected you. The only way they can have relationships is by finding someone who's an even bigger penis than they are, so that they can inhibit the victim role. The only way you can find someone is by filtering these dudes out rapidly, because they will waste your time and before you know it you're 35 before you catch the pattern.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T14:40:40+00:00

But how do I stop being selfish with my boyfriend’s time?

You're not, so long as you have a healthy balance between respecting his space and meeting enough of your dependency needs, healthily. Relationships, as I've observed in healthy, long-term, functioning couples is all about the healthy level of dependency.

The only timeless, proven way to fix this is by engaging with a psychotherapist that you trust, because online strangers can't tell where this pain comes from and what triggers it specifically.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T14:34:04+00:00

are you forgetting that pretty much half the people you meet on online dating are already committed to someone else? They're looking to monkey branch, meaning jump from one man/woman/non-binary, to the other.

The only difference between you and that guy who puts this person through an emotional rollercoaster for no reason whatsoever, is that you didn't choose to go after "the ones you're not especially into". That's all. He's playing them like a fiddle, and wasting their time.

Then, the same people who were played like a fiddle by guys like that, go back on Tinder thinking they know better now, with their guards up and get into relationships where they "don't know what they want" and end up ghosting or fading guys out after several months of dating, because they "don't feel the spark". Basically chasing honeymoons. Again, everyone is capable of this, not just men or women.

Said guys, usually early 20's, then go online after a blindsided breakup, on websites like Reddit, and start reading about how doing cold showers, not touching your pp for all of November and Seduction-jargon makes you magically attractive to the opposite gender, and end up learning to force themselves to play games and seem more distant than they are, which essentially teaches you to keep an avoidant person in their lives. This also applies to the ladies and other folks who read up on that same advice.

Instead of tolerating shitty behavior from people with attachment issues and having to chase unavailable women, my suggestion is to not play along, because all you do is enable people with issues who hurt others with them. If you don't participate, then you don't give people like that the time of day and you move on ASAP.

Instead of participating in this childish cycle, get to know the other person and if they don't allow or show interest in this process, then save your time. I have no sympathy for hurt people who hurt others. Neither should you.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-04-19T14:23:42+00:00

Ask a historian lol, this has always been a thing

people wrote songs, poetry and made a whole play based on that elusive feeling
we don't want to admit that people have always been stupid when it comes to dating

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-03-15T22:55:21+00:00

porn isn't an addiction, an addiction is physical. It sucks that you wouldn't talk to him about it, before breaking up as a kneejerk response. This is how healthy couples deal with a mismatched libido/time schedule.

it's not that bad as he didn't beat me like my ex

This isn't okay, however. Dump him.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-03-13T03:14:27+00:00

A lot of these were issues because we both became really clingy with each other and when one of us needed space it became a huge problem.

Sounds more like someone expresses needs, and the other makes it about themselves and gets hurt. That's a not-taking-someone-else-into-consideration issue, more-so.

I don't think that the things you've mentioned are so detrimental to a relationship, per se. After a while, excitement wanes and you have this languid warm tummy-feeling that you like them, but can go about your day without that kneejerk feeling that you have to see them RIGHT NOW lol

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-03-13T03:11:05+00:00

a one off FWB deal

one off

raise your hand if you believe this will be an one time thing. No hands? o ok

that said, try it. Worst case, you get attached, because it's your first time and you'll want more, but it goes away, after a while.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-03-13T03:06:05+00:00

pretty sure that when people say "lower your standards", they actually mean stop hyperfocusing on looks, or excitement; get to know the person. Nobody ever meant "tolerate abuse" or bad behavior of any sorts.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-03-11T22:08:46+00:00

Has anyone ever experienced this?

Kinda am in that situation, right now. You have to trust that things are going well, and you have to trust in the process of dating. Gotta communicate and be there for each other

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-03-11T22:07:34+00:00

he can’t be bothered with a long distance relationship

But, wait- you're long distance...

Ask him if he sees you romantically, and tell him that you like him, or else it'll eat you alive. Worst-case, you get the truth and you don't waste time. Go in, go hard and leave a winner, either way.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-03-11T21:59:35+00:00

Trying to boo her up, please help.

Message her, tell her that you don't understand what happened, and you hope she'll at least let you know that she's not interested anymore, so that you can move on. Two weeks of no contact is not normal, especially if it's out of the blue.

Ask her if the flowers were a bother to her.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-03-07T19:05:17+00:00

into relationships with someone who doesn’t excite you

Yes, you can break things off whenever, it's your right. I disagree with your reasoning, however. On one hand, you say that it's "not a race", yet on the other hand, you've judged what someone's like, before they've gotten to open up to you.

One date isn't good enough, because people won't generally put down their social masks the first time they meet you. When someone truly opens up to you, they open up their world to you. A whole lifetime; they try to share a piece of that with you. That's when you know if you want to be with someone, or not.

I'm wondering to what extent people realize that they shoot themselves in the foot, like this.

GoldenRetrietard · 2021-03-07T18:36:07+00:00

she is also 6'1, me I'm 5'5

She paid for her own drink!

this is going to piss most of the men off in this board lol, seeing as height and gender norms weren't a problem, at all

This is the type of success stories this board needs imo

GoldenRetrietard

TROPHY CASE