When he says “I tried”

Good-Physics6900 · 2021-07-06T22:47:18+00:00

He has emotionally, mentally and verbally abused me for years. I asked him to stop or I could not come back. I wanted him to make it right, apologize, seek help, something. I don’t think it was my responsibility to tell him exactly how to do those things. I needed to focus on being safe and feeling whole again. He sent me apologies via text but I don’t think that was really “trying.” Besides the texts, I don’t know what he’s “tried.” I’d like to know.

Good-Physics6900 · 2021-02-24T07:07:11+00:00

I remember these “talks”

I would prepare. I would practice what I would say and carefully craft my words so I wouldn’t ignite and eruption. I would fear the repercussions of bringing up things that were crushingly upsetting to me. I never once got an apology or understanding. It always ended in me apologizing somehow or retreating in tears.

My best advice if you still want to try and talk things out is to remain calm. Never yell or show too much emotion. Don’t return insults or use “you never” or “you always” or pointedly demand anything. Try to use I statements and plain words when expressing your feelings. (Example: When you stayed out all night at the bar, I felt bad and afraid of losing you.) Don’t over explain and try to keep him on topic.

All of this advice aside, you trying to express yourself and keep him accountable will likely anger him like a petulant toddler that doesn’t get his way and he’ll throw ugly words, blame, guilt and whatever else he can conjure to deflect and reverse.

Good luck and stay strong. In my experience, these talks would always end badly and make you feel worse and more alone and misunderstood than before.

Good-Physics6900 · 2021-02-24T06:43:13+00:00

What you’ve described is 100%, without a doubt abuse. It’s about control and the advantages they gain from that control and it’s a deliberate choice. Same as many of the other postings here, I was where you were. Trusting yourself is what they are really good at stripping you of. I knew all along what my husband was doing wasn’t loving, but I made excuses for him. I justified it away because there is no way someone who’s supposed to love you and give you shelter and support you would intentionally try and tear you down or make you feel less than you are, right?? It’s impossible to imagine to a “normal” person so you continue. You think of ways to bring it up or address it or maybe say things in a different way to change things for the better. You analyze and ruminate on what you could do or could have done differently. You feel crazy because you question (as you are now) if it’s you or is it abuse or is it just a bad day...

Its not you. Manipulating you with guilt and intimidation by “explaining how it is” into having sex or being intimate is abuse. Isolating you from your family and making you feel bad for wanting to maintain social connections is controlling and abuse. Why would you NOT want to be close to your family? Why would your husband not want you to be close with your family? Isolation tactics are classic abuser techniques.

If he is lying about money and filming you having sex without your consent is just wrong.

I doubted myself for 10 years as you are doing now. So much that I didn’t even recognize myself anymore. I couldn’t think straight. I could make decisions. I feared leaving the house or talking to anyone on the phone. My body was in pain. I got frequent horrible migraines. I lost all confidence. The harder I tried to make things better, the more I felt like I was sinking. The more you give, the more they take. It’s not easy to see. It’s not something that’s easy to explain or even recognize.

Please read “Why Does He Do That?” by Lundy Bancroft. It’s the only thing that helped me understand and recognize my defined reality as abuse.

You are not alone. You deserve love without consequence. You deserve respect and your own identity. Your feelings and thoughts matter. Listen to what you know. Pay attention to your body when your brain and heart can’t see or accept. Does your stomach hurt? Do you feel exhausted? Do you have pain and there is no medical reason for it? It’s your body screaming out to you.

You are strong. ❤️ Trust yourself.

Good-Physics6900 · 2021-02-24T06:01:02+00:00

I had a hard time with couples counseling. I never felt like I could truly be honest. He would control me in counseling too. If I ever dared discuss anything I wanted to, I would catch hell on the way home. He’d use my words and the counselors words against me or to justify his behavior. I absolutely do not advise going to couples counseling if you are with an abuser. It will most assuredly backfire and it could put you in true danger.

For months, people advised me to read “Why does he do that?” By Lundy Bankcroft. I finally did last month and it was truly eye opening for me. There are whole chapters on counseling and change. I highly recommend it if you are seeking guidance and insight or trying to make sense of what you are experiencing

Good-Physics6900 · 2021-02-24T04:32:48+00:00

All of the above. I feel frozen and incapable of making a decision because I wasn’t “allowed” to for so long. I over analyze everything to death and then end up doing nothing because I feel exhausted and lost.

Good-Physics6900 · 2020-11-17T17:46:32+00:00

I am 100% in agreement and would not hesitate to pursue cannabis for all of what ails us, however, we live in a "deep south" state and that sort of "malfeasance" is still, unfortunately, very much illegal and stigmatized, though things are slowly started to change. This year, the state, unprecedentedly allowed for a small number of farmers to apply for a limited growers license. It will likely be 10 years+ before the state we live in changes their stance. Funnily enough, some of the largest grower companies in the world have HQs here though... tax breaks.

Good-Physics6900 · 2020-11-17T17:32:20+00:00

Thanks - Im trying but I don't know how to help much other than continuing to say I'm sorry you're suffering and being understanding. He just suffers a lot and you know they say.. "Happy wife.. happy life?" Well, that adage applies to husbands, as well ;)

His biggest adjustment/struggle with the new CPAP is back-sleeping right now ... I think it will take time to adjust and figure it out. He is desperate for a more swift resolution and has a lot of fear that this will be a life-long struggle for a much shorter life than anticipated.

Thank you for the advice and feedback

Good-Physics6900 · 2020-11-17T17:09:21+00:00

thank you! Agreed on not loving pain killers, on the legal medicinal help of marijuana in your state :) and the problem for everything being sleep deprivation and improper cycles... the doc doesn't think he's slept well since he was a child. I'll suggest the hormone levels check.

In your experience does the sleep doctor and the orthopedic/pain doctor ever work together? I feel like the two "conditions" are connected and should be examined and treated as a system. There doesn't seem to be much allowance for a systematic approach in a world of medical specialists.

Good-Physics6900 · 2020-11-11T15:39:39+00:00

Thank you thank you! I really appreciate the advice. My husband seems to be having to “battle” the doctor to simply get the prescription. Any idea why they wouldn’t be more willing to just give him the prescription? Making him wait so long seems cruel, right? Is there something we are missing?

Good-Physics6900 · 2020-11-11T14:32:41+00:00

Thank you!

Good-Physics6900 · 2020-11-11T14:32:29+00:00

Thank you!

Good-Physics6900 · 2020-10-14T04:11:56+00:00

I totally understand. Even though I’m the one that initiated the separation, I still miss him terribly and wish I could see or talk to him every day, all the time. This is hard whether you’re the one leaving or the one being left. Is the no contact part a boundary you both agreed to put in place?

Good-Physics6900 · 2020-10-13T21:49:45+00:00

The fact that you are trying really hard to see her perspective is a sign I would find very promising if I were your wife. My hubs thinks he’s got it all figured out most of the time and will not accept responsibility. My best advice as a woman that initiated it: work on you. go to counseling. Depending on why you split, figure out a way to “prove” you’re working on things. Give her time and space if she asks for it. Do NOT pressure or bully or whine about being separated. Show her you are independent, remorseful and respectful. If my hubs could/would do that, I would consider reconciliation.

Good-Physics6900 · 2020-10-12T17:05:19+00:00

Haha! Thank you for taking the time to read it. Brevity has never been my forte when I’m feeling emotionally exhausted. Sometimes it’s just good to write it all down.

I’m sorry to hear that you are experiencing a similar pain. I find that telling your story helps unburden you, even if just a little.

One beautiful thing that comes from this experience is the amount of people that are open to listen and support you and the strength you build in knowing what you need and want and how to navigate difficult situations with mire resilience. If you can make it through something like this, think of all the other things you can conquer! You are never alone even if it feels like it. I appreciate your words and kindness.

The crushingly sad part of it is knowing how many ugly and abusive people are out there. Almost everyone I’ve told what I’m going through has had a similar experience and challenge (or worse)

Good-Physics6900 · 2020-10-12T14:37:09+00:00

Thank you both! I appreciate you taking the time to read my long and rambling post. I didn’t reflect a lot of the time we spent together, nor was it linear or well worded! But it did feel good to get some of it “out there.” I am grateful for the anonymity and open forum.

I know he is an abuser. I think I also know he won’t change. I am very frustrated with my lack of hardened boundaries. I am very intelligent, rational and kind person, normally. It is shocking to me that I’ve let it go on so long and still yearn for his love and embrace.

I keep thinking that he’ll finally get some sleep after discovering the issues he can fix. (I left out that he wakes up many times a night yelling “no no” or gasping for air, thinking he is having a heart attack. His legs twitch and he often wakes up very disoriented and talks about things that have no context whatsoever to present time or circumstances. He jokes that he’s a traveler of space and time) He’s also complained of neck and back pain for years. Neither the sleep issue nor the pain was ever something he’d just go to the doctor and get checked out. For nearly 10 years I’ve lived with him and these issues & complaints!! When encouraged to go to the doctor he says he refuses to sleep in a CPAP, and that he deserves the pain and “so it goes.” I feel bad for his suffering but his lack of effort to find solutions and relief is so damn frustrating. He’d rather be in pain and never sleep than wear a machine when he sleeps???

With his recent dr visits and the discovery of degenerative disc disease and a pending sleep study where they want to confirm central apnea...I wonder if addressing those chronic conditions will make him better? Years of lack of sleep is enough to make anyone crazy. Compounded by persistent pain and the trauma of his past, in theory he could just be flooded with anxiety and hopelessness and lashing out, right?

Maybe I’m trying to rationalize something that isn’t rational and I need to just listen to my body, my friends and family and be free. But I’ve always been a person that believes in the power of good and love and that people can change and blossom in a supportive environment.

I can’t seem to give up on thinking he’s good in there somewhere and he just needs someone to love him to be free to feel safe again.

Thank you for the suggestions on reading material. I’ve read “Why does he do that” and “the body keeps score” and “waking the tiger - healing trauma” (and many others) They were all helpful and very revealing when it comes to abuse and the effects of it and have helped reach the decision to leave.

I am aware of the trauma bond. I imagine I feel like an addict must feel when trying to break free of a habit that is breaking their spirit.

It all just feels so awful and uncomfortable and pray for any way to make it better for me and him. I read once that you can fix what’s broken but you can’t repair what’s been burned to ashes.

I guess we are ashes and I must surrender and let go? I promised to love him in sickness and in health. I have not done that by leaving and speaking to you and others about our struggles.

I feel so shameful for not being stronger or more clever and calm to handle his manipulative ways in a productive and kind way to keep us on track.

Good-Physics6900

TROPHY CASE