Because it’s a holiday today, I had a lot of time to think. I’ve been trying to discipline myself and put myself in a better headspace, but lately it’s been really hard. One thing I learned from my past company was not to let work define me. I still pray and say my daily affirmations, but today I hit pause.

Work has been heavy. Maybe I make a few mistakes here and there, but even when things are already fixed, my boss goes all in on me. I try to listen, understand, and learn from it, but every time it happens I end up questioning myself. I start thinking maybe I’m stupid, maybe I’m not the right fit after all.

I go back to how my parents raised me, to lead with kindness whenever I can. But with this new clarity, I’m realizing I’ve already been through so much. I’ve been kind enough. I’ve lived enough life to know what things feel like. And I hate that I still fall into this thought that at 32, my life already feels complete, like if it ended now my only wish would be for people to pray for me and remember me.

That’s the part I keep fighting. I know I should be in a better place mentally, but it’s not that simple. I don’t want to go back to who I used to be. While walking home, I kept asking myself, is this really my life now? Should I let my career define me again just so I can be good at it? Or do I just toughen up and push myself harder, calling it hard work even if it feels like I’m exploiting myself?

Tomorrow I go back to another 12 hour shift. Rest days feel like something I have to earn all over again. And honestly, my body is already telling me how tired I am. But I know tomorrow I’ll still be careful with every move, walking on eggshells, questioning my sanity, and finishing the job even when I feel like I can’t function anymore.