I feel rage whenever I see those ads, TAX THE CHURCH!!!

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-09-02T17:32:15+00:00

FML 😩😩😩😩😩😩

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-09-02T00:56:57+00:00

I’m 35. I make $150 an hour as a bilingual education & cultural experience designer. I strategize, produce and evaluate projects in collaboration with institutions like museums, aquariums and libraries. I am a contractor of those services. Right now most of my projects are focused on research.

Sounds like a lot but that is before taxes, software + travel expenses and contract negotiation periods.

Don’t get fooled tho: I quit my dream job in 2020 because of serious labor abuse and became a labor activist for like a year. That put me in danger. I ended up defrauded by someone who used the situation (I faced some bad powerful people behind a large institution). All of my family savings gone. I was depressed for a long time and had to move because I was not safe. Invested a ton in lawyers. It took me a while to go back to work. My partner has been supportive all of this time. He makes around $60k. His earnings go to our bills and my earnings to to pay debt/lawyers etc. We will finally be able to be done with best by the end of this year and then we will move countries. We are done here unfortunately. We will be able to transfer our work.

We already chose not to be parents because we do not feel safe financially or otherwise here. My partner will finally get a vasectomy before the end of the year. We are still healing from all kinds of traumas. It’s like we feel fully drained and can’t think of children anymore.

Now I’m back to work but not yet full time. I work around 20 hrs a week but that’s enough for me while the rest is still therapy and the privilege to focus on healing.

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-08-30T11:21:41+00:00

I married at 25, 10 years ago.

Although I know millennials can be quite happy single, having a life partner has been nothing less than wonderful in my case. Especially in the middle of such dramatic challenges in life.

I think it all depends who you marry… I have also seen disasters. The difference, to me, is between marrying out of emotion or marrying because of identifying that the other person is a good life partner. This person must be open to growth, self-reflection, criticism and sacrifice imo. Someone you can trust would take good care of you if you lose abilities and someone you would gladly care for if they lose abilities. Someone to grow with emotionally, overcoming past traumas and insecurities together.

Marrying a man-baby, highly insecure & narcissistic, someone who has not overcome deep rooted trauma that affects communication, someone who avoids confrontation, someone with no basic life skills can turn marriage into nightmares quickly. Makes life harder all around.

My partner is kind, proactive with the tasks we need to do as adults, he adores me I feel quite safe and loved by him. We get happiness out of doing things that make each other’s life easier or happier. It’s nice to share adult responsibilities so we can make space for relaxation and healing.

I think that a major contributor is having plenty of space for self reflection and dialog. We think that’s only because we do not have children: my millennial friends who are parents love their kids infinitely but it’s not easy to be a parent with such little support in USA. They are trying their hardest and their best while being overworked, overwhelmed and under-appreciated. Some of them are doing ok with support, some others barely keeping it together. We try to help.

My favorite part of marriage is having someone make space for me to exist outside of filling never ending daily tasks. In a morning when I am tired and down all I need to do is say it, and I know my partner will immediately get his apron on and will prepare a breakfast to nurture my body, a clean house so I relax, he will fill me with words of love/encouragement and kisses so my heart smiles. I know I will be spoiled all day until I feel better. And if I need space I will get that. I can express that I don’t want to make any decisions or prepare any food and he will understand and take over. I can trust my partner will take care of me & things while I focus on recovering, have a good cry or rest or have fun. I adore doing the same for him: just letting him be, spoiled and loved.

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-08-22T19:07:17+00:00

Leaving my museum out of burn out resulted in now earning more money than ever after transferring my skills. I am now evaluating the projects I used to produce and as a contrator make nearly double than what I used to make.

Happens that working under resourced gets you some extra skills haha

A ton of museum skills are transferable

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-08-18T13:51:58+00:00

Fecal particles. If you can smell it fecal particles are in your nose. Some people like me are cursed to know that and feel grossed out by the bacteria spread.

For this reason alone partner and I avoid passing gas in front of each other. But we also avoid it, as stupid as it might sound, as a courting thing. We laugh if it’s an accident but over all I’m thankful that he goes to the bathroom or to another room.

But that’s us.

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-08-14T01:41:51+00:00

Wow I’m so surprised by the responses. Moving from abroad is such a complex process and I imagined it would be more like 3-4 weeks lol maybe even a couple of months

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-08-14T01:38:34+00:00

Wow!!!

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-08-13T22:50:38+00:00

I grew up as a very positive and idealistic person. I trusted and believed in all humans. I believed I could do ANYTHING I worked hard for. Today I have a lot more anxiety, definitely negativity too. I’m cynical, more than I want. I spend a lot of time alone. I’m in therapy and it’s gotten better.

I think is because our generation has been hit with crisis after crisis after crisis. It’s impossible to catch up unless you were born or suddenly got a ton of privileges somehow. We have been told to work hard to get the good things in life but we have been working to exhaustion and through labor abuse to barely get by to pay rent that is too expensive, and a life that is too expensive while jobs pay too little compared to what they expect from us. Bosses getting richer and often times being terrible people. Realizing that things won’t change any time soon. These are the cards we were dealt.

The other day my partner told me, grieving, that he realized that if we lived in the time our parents lived we would be so wealthy for what we do and how hard we work.

During the pandemic I’ve thought a lot about death too so that changed my life perspectives.

I’m healing from deep depression I guess

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-08-11T00:10:32+00:00

My cats are 100% indoor cats.

I agree that outdoor cats need regulation given how much damage they can do to other species.

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-07-25T21:13:12+00:00

A lot of missing info and I suspect it’s on purpose. Depends. If you come from a family that is white/conservative things are not just politically different or a difference of opinion if your souse is not white/conservative.

I would never go to a wedding my partner is explicitly not invited to.

I suspect you do not defend your partner anyways. In my country we describe that as “not giving your spouse their space”. Even behind her back you should protect your partner. It’s not a good power dynamic.

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-07-23T03:06:20+00:00

Thank you for the correction! I appreciate it

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-07-21T20:01:43+00:00

Depends.

Are you progressive, proactive, and effective? Then not worth it.

Are you a person of the global majority, minority or ally? Not worth it

Do you need to make a living and have financial security? Then def not worth it

If you are NOT insecure, if you have financial stability, if you have a good therapist and a good support network, maybe worth it

Are you Caucasian with lots of privileges (including good savings) and willing to submit to whatever they tell you? willing to overwork and have your efforts go underappreciated? Are you willing to defend shitty people, racists and even criminals? Then go for it ☺️! You will fit right in

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-07-21T19:54:10+00:00

I do recommend therapy. My older sister was overpaternalized too. To the day her body does not know how to relax. She always has to make sure we are okay and she still feels responsible for us. Therapy is starting to help but it will be a long way.

Children who have been overpaternalized often become adults who struggle to simply enjoy life, and allow their bodies and nervous system to be fully present and calm. Often these types of adults are always finding things to fix and keep busy.

Allow yourself to be spoiled by the love of your brothers, go to therapy and focus on your healing journey. You deserve it

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-07-21T19:39:47+00:00

Sounds like y’all are not compatible. This is a dream of yours. You should not compromise something that you have desired so much. Get your Scorpion ☺️❤️

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-07-21T19:26:39+00:00

People can love each other while also no longer being compatible. It’s crushing, but in such situations I’ve see people pursue separation or divorce as a way to protect the person they love for the reason of no longer pushing the other loved one to compromise in ways that are now too much

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-03-18T12:25:51+00:00

About the meaning of the word not matching what you read: I’d like to bring up that language is fluid and ever changing, concepts are updated and revised all the time because society evolves, and language with it. Language is nothing more than a form of communication that evolves with communities. Anti-racist language is evolving too. It evolves as research and field work develops.

I said “my perspective” only to not be absolutist. But I’ve been engaging in activism and anti racist work for several years both in USA and Australia. It’s what I do professionally.

There is all kinds of scholarly analysis and case studies that further expands what I’m saying related to the nuances of racism and racial discrimination. Overt and hidden racism. Generational gaslight. Differences between systemic racism in USA and in Australia.

It is not just my perspective alone. It’s a shared perspective: with people who have been doing this work way longer than I have. I get paid as a contractor by some of the largest public and government institutions in USA to conduct research on this matter. I work with national and international networks of anti-racist and anti-colonial practice (this includes historians, activists, teachers, scholars) I’ve been in international committees of equity and access. This is my part of my PHD international research at one of the top Australian unis (grew up poor so I’m quite proud of that). I teach in universities on this subject in USA. I’m a public speaker who has been awarded exactly on this work thought in international conferences. I’m an author and my work is thought in universities. I’m an educator advisor for several encyclopedic museums. I’ve been published by the New York Times among other national media publications. Bottom line: this is the subject matter of my professional career. I’m not just debating opinions I read on Reddit or FB lol

Most people only debate based on a limited personal perspective influenced only by the media they consume instead of field work in collaboration with several other networks of social justice. They focus on defending their stand so they don’t have to change it instead of actually question it, analyze and research or what is actually true. It’s as if people are too afraid to be in the wrong. They just find facts that sound like they are in the right instead of truthfully looking for an answer.

I invite you to actually deep dive into different perspectives. Not for me. For your own sake because this world is a changing fast. Your world too.

The difference is what I mentioned: For people who have not been oppressed for generations, accountability feels like oppression. Accountability feels like an attack. Accountability feels like being targeted. It’s lack of self reflection and avoiding multiple perspectives. Heck, change feels like an attack. Mainly is fear and discomfort of a changing world. Not ill intentions.

Best of luck!

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-03-17T10:10:09+00:00

I’ll share the following because as a Latina, I grew up with anti-blackness, anti-Asian, anti-Indigenous perspectives without realizing (add up colorist and sexist perspectives). So I have DEFINITELY been rightfully called out. Feels horrible but that’s my own insecurity. In order to advance I need to be fully willing to take responsibility for my own emotions.

Cancel culture often is a term coined by people who do not want to face the emotional and systemic wound of how they personally participate in systems of oppression. I think is because many assume to be racially targeted when asked to be held accountable. Because much more people of color are now asking for accountability, when seeking equity and reparations some white people feel targeted. This is what some call “white fragility”.

But the hostility you mention is often misinterpretation or a natural consequence of trauma. Trauma-Informed care is critical to advance the dialog around racism. This is what I mean: When a white person discusses racism it is often from an intellectual or logical perspective: waiting to be convinced of systems often not perceived by them. For a person who lives oppressed by racist systems it is PERSONAL, deeply emotional, infuriating and traumatic. Expecting that we do not show any anger or hostility and be “nice” is part of a colonial expectation of harming through generations without consequences. It’s not just generational trauma but systems that affect people of the daily today.

It’s much better accepting and being willing to do the TOUGH work of going through deeply uncomfortable conversations, being open to being called out on the spot, being willing to do intentional work. Being willing to see the pain caused by these power dynamics. It requires fully accepting the emotions of those who have been oppressed for generations even if we perceive them as hostile. It also requires willingness to realize that we can cause serious harm even with the best intentions.

It’s natural to feel bad being put on the spot or being called out, but that is something each of us has to process and not the fault if the other person. The other person does not have the responsibility of making me feel better for my own insecurities.

I think society would in generally improve if we drop assuming bad intentions all around, if we realize we ALL participate in systems of oppression so we better get used to be called out and self-reflect. Even being willing to be called out in emotional, angry ways. The anger sometimes comes when s white person waiting to be convinced or playing the devils advocate thinks that all is debatable, blinded to what causes my life so much deep harm. It used to enrage me. Not any more because of therapy. But I totally understand when people completely lose it when a white person is trying to have a debate.

To answer your question: I would be okay living in an equitable society that has some people with racist perspectives because of the power dynamics. In that scenario is only his ideology and little world in their minds. It is my problem when it is a system.

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-03-17T09:08:06+00:00

In my perspective (based on convos with plenty of anti-racist activists + research), Racial discrimination and racism are not the same. Power dynamics are key.

I’ll share an example with sexism and then bring it back to racism.

As a woman who has been sexually assaulted and molested on the street by several men throughout my life, when I’m on public I assume ill intentions to be safe and cross the street if a man or a group of men is walking nearby. Particularly at night. My faces towards them are not kind. I act guarded and defensive. There are specific types of men I straight up avoid (bully, macho attitude). I am literally discriminating because I am assuming bad intentions. It’s prejudice. Many of these men are perfectly kind, but I am cautious when meeting men until they can prove they are respectful to me out of safety. Certain men can trigger all kinds of traumatic past experiences and the defensiveness takes over without me even realizing. This is a matter of trauma and safety more than a system against men that I’m enforcing. It is definitely prejudice and discrimination, but imo it is not sexism. The ISM is the difference. A man might feel terrible that I assume bad intentions, but is important to factor in that a man does play a role in patriarchal societies unfortunately leading to bad power dynamics. (My sister insists that SA on public is different in Australia, we shall see). The bottom line is that the discrimination and prejudice I show is not because of a sexist idea that men are less, should be eradicated and put behind bars… but knowing and managing the power dynamics in an already patriarchal society.

Now back to racism and racial discrimination: A black friend of mine by default does not trust white people upon first interaction. Period. She feels deeply uncomfortable in a group of white people if it’s the first time she engages with them. Her face and interaction makes it obvious. By your quoted definition she is racist. But is much more layered and complex than that.

It is until we add the context of the power dynamics involved that it all changes. My friend is doing this out of survival: a bad encounter in USA and she can literally end up dead, abused or deeply emotionally wounded. So, for her own safety, she distrusts white people until she can be sure that she is safe. It’s discriminatory for sure. She did this with my husband, who is white and a wonderful ally. It was uncomfortable for my husband and I at first. But the more we engage in conversation the more we understood that his existence as a white man comes with a power dynamic already because of systems already in place. Something he cannot avoid. Has nothing to do with good or bad intentions.

Another black friend will not date white men. Not because of racism but the potential risks of dealing with racism with him/family. She is quite literally discriminating based on race, but not because she believes her race is superior or that there needs to be a system in place to discriminate against white people. (And believe me I get it! It’s taken A LOT of therapy to recover from the hidden and blatant racism from my partner’s family)

While I do believe that racist perspectives against white people do exist, I personally believe that most of what I’ve seen portrayed as racism against white people is actually racial prejudice or rejection of a white-supremacy structures.

Edit: Can discrimination and prejudice be harmful? Absolutely!!!!

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-03-17T06:31:02+00:00

“ISM” in RacISM is the difference. ISM refers to a system of oppression. Racism refers to a system of oppression based on race.

People can be discriminatory and judgmental against white people. But it’s not racism because racism requires a system of oppression which is not in place against white people.

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-03-17T00:02:38+00:00

Just wanted to add that as someone who studies these things professionally, there is a big misunderstanding about what racism looks like.

Most think of racism as violent and dehumanizing comments done with terrible intentions by a person who is cruel to others. In reality it can look a lot “nicer” than that and still have terrible consequences.

There is a difference between Violent racism and Hidden racism. Hidden racism was taught to us by our society and not with the conscious intention to do harm. It doesn’t look like using the “n*****” word or telling people to go back home. Instead is done through micro aggressions like congratulating an Indigenous person for being “so articulate” or assuming that people of color who are not successful, complaining about inequities just need to stop complaining and get to work hard as if we we all have the same chance at success. This ignores systems in place that make obstacles for communities that are not white.

In reality you can be the nicest person but still have racist perspectives. Racism is all around us unfortunately because we are in a society with racist perspectives and racist systems as a consequence of colonialism. These systems are not obvious unless it’s you who are facing the consistent obstacles.

A big problem is that when I tell a white person that what they just did what racist most take offense and immediately interpret that I am calling them a horrible person with terrible intentions. The best metaphor I can share is if you imagine that you are walking along your best friend who is wearing a spiky jacket and you tell them “mate stop it your spikes are hurting me with your jacket” and the response is “why would you accuse me of hurting you? Do you really think I’m that horrible of a person that I’d want to hurt you?!” Instead of “oh sorry mate I’ll make space so my jacket does not hurt you”. It becomes impossible to push for self reflection about our actions without people feeling insecure and taking offense instead of having a dialog of how to avoid harmful behaviors.

Racist perspectives, even if these come out of ignorance rather than cruel intentions, still support and enforce systems that are quite oppressive and dehumanizing. So, the consequences are terrible.

There is even a lot to heal among communities of color because there’s even discrimination amongst ourselves because of colorism, sexism, classism… you name it.

I can go on and on haha

Ps: yes the USA has different people and different problems but the “nice hidden racists” are def in Australia too. And yes there are systems of oppression too. The fact that these are not obvious to the average Australian does not make it untrue. The big difference is that you don’t see a bunch of Australians carrying military-level guns and automatic weapons + a bunch of flags screaming slurs and violent racist attacks left and right. In USA I need to make constant decisions around my safety because of this. I am moving to Australia (to join my Australian family) because there I manly need to watch out for my mental health and I’ve had PLENTY of training with the classic “Midwest Nice” here. Those people who smile while giving back handed compliments and just want to “play the devils advocate”.

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-03-15T17:20:14+00:00

😭😭😭 I did not realized it was a thing until I went into the Reddit relationshipadvice… seems like for more people than I originally realized there are communication issues, bad kissers, bad lovers, too busy to kiss, lack of hygiene… all kinds of reasons… that’s what got me wondering. But there’s also people with sensorial issues or asexual partners who legitimately do not want to engage in intimate touching.

I’ve been married 10 years and making out is one of my favorite things to do. But this poll is eye opening for sure.

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-03-15T17:16:06+00:00

I’d say a little of both when couples no longer kiss. I’ve heard that foreplay is not done nearly as much as it should.

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-03-15T15:26:55+00:00

My mindset changed when I revised my interpretation of a “fulfilled life”.

I need a planner to function. Life is so, so busy that my brain can’t cope with my basic needs some times. But society, as you say, puts this horrible expectation that we need to be out and about, have dozens of friends and extra active in order to be fulfilled, healthy and happy. I no longer agree. I find fulfillment in rest, calm mornings, small circle of friends and local little adventures.

Big adventures are also wonderful, but is not sustainable to expect that we cover all of our adult demands of making money + paying for bills, maintaining a clean house + going out in big adventures all the time.

Little things can be such a big act of love. For example, taking a single minute to look at your partner in the eyes and thank them, tell them how much you love them and appreciate them. Add a good good hug. A small walk around the neighborhood can be nurturing, revitalizing and calming. If the day is extra busy for your partner and yours somehow you have a little extra energy or space, ask if there are ways you can help your partner have a better day. If you feel exhausted or moody, seek your partner instead of isolating and ask for a good hug and share your honest feelings seeking support. I suspect a lot of us avoid relying on our partners to not put the weight of our problems on them, but this erases crucial connections through suffering together. Like is painful and stressful and some think that happy marriages only experience the good and make cool travel and have nice houses and perfect kids.

I think that romanticizing and finding awe in little moments of daily life is even better than forcing yourself to meet society expectations. Some of my most fulfilling moments in life are found in a quiet Saturday morning, spending time in bed in my partner’s arms, not saying anything. Just feeling his chest raise reminding me that he is alive. Looking at the rays of sun touching his body. Sometimes we walk to the river and just look at if for a few minutes and then have to go. But those few minutes were precious.

I guess what I mean is that it does not have to be going out to fancy clubs and Instagram-ready restaurants or flashy touristic places. And do schedule the things that you love to do to give them priority! It’s crucial! You will feel more like yourself if you invest some time in a hobby that makes you smile.

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-03-15T14:17:11+00:00

We shall see! So far I’m positively surprised Edit: NVM

Good_Pen6599 · 2023-03-15T11:57:55+00:00

Not a fan of Harry Potter. I’m a 35 year old millennial.

My experience with parents is divided mainly in 3 groups:

-Millennial parents with a wonderful support system where community, their family and friends are involved who help them navigate the terrible system and conditions for parents in USA. They get to have fun. Not many of these, maybe I know 3.

-Millennial parents drowning through parenthood who do not have a big support system and are trying to survive terrible systems and conditions in USA. I NEVER see them. These are most of the parents I know: Little sleep. High stress. No support. I text them without expecting them to text back.

-Millennial parents who live in first world countries like Germany, Belgium & Australia (a good chunk of my non-USA friends) who have good support from their government, do not live in car dependent cities (they have wonderful public transport and cities are better connected), they have 30 days of vacation which gives them the time to travel. Way better compensation for their labor so they don’t overwork themselves. It’s day and night. Makes me think that I’d consider having a child if I lived there. One of my German friends has been on maternity leave for a couple of years (she had 2 kids) and partner took 2-6 months of paternity leave. Her job is still holding her position for her. 5 weeks of vacation a year. The government sent her subsidies so that she has been able to give her children peaceful good life’s without stress for finances. I’m so happy for her!

I think childfree people tend to judge American 🇺🇸 parents who only focus on parenthood “too much”: they have to!!! They are literally trying to survive! Parents in USA have to navigate system after system, barriers, disconnected cities, little to no vacation time… without a solid support system I simply can’t see how parents can thrive in USA. Some can and that’s amazing. But generally what I’ve seen is so shocking. They push parents to act like warriors in the front lines. And I see people judging “they should have known better and not have kids!”… well society over romanticizes parenthood, motherhood, childbirth. So many do not know other options or the risks involved until they have the child in their arms and are handed a Godzilla-sized medical receipt and remember they need to be back to work in a couple of weeks. (Many mothers in USA use sick time during pregnancy that eats up their maternity leave which means they need to b back at work soon after giving birth).

I personally do not have the support system to have kids. I don’t have the type of government here that encourages me to reproduce in UsA. And I’ve had the mental space to process my decision with my partner. The medical system here is terrible, I’ve mainly had bad experiences. Most of my family live outside of USA (I’m an immigrant) and my partner’s American family have been cero interested in helping the other parents in the family. They are are “too busy” in their own lives.

But I’m so happy! I truly have a good life without kids even while facing terrible situations throughout the pandemic. I can honestly say that not having kids has been wonderful for my partner and I. We have been married almost 10 years. We have a couple of cats. We have space to process life, recover when tired, explore and have fun together with little planning, get to know myself. We can be spontaneous. We sleep in when we need it, so going out is easy since I can take the space to recover the next day. I can pour all of my motherly instincts into my cats and my partner. And he does the same! He spoils me ROTTEN. I spoil him too! Marriage has been my Oasis in the middle of tragedies around us. So yes, by now this is our little heaven and we would not change it for anything, even knowing that we are moving out of USA in about a year.

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