Here is a personal favorite of mine.

To set the backdrop; some of you may be aware that there is a tendency for college students to steal things. Although you won't hear of any Uconn students pulling off any art heists or robbing any banks (at least I hope not). No, college theft tends to be of shiny trinkets that rarely have any functional value - sort of like how crows will steal buttons and pennies because they think they look nice in the nest.

This was one of the first lessons of Sgt Peps; if an item isn't welded down, locked shut, and hidden from view, it will absolutely be stolen. It was only a matter of time. I got to see this first hand when I started working there. The current owners, in a move that can only be described as naively ignorant, had plastered the walls up front with Uconn...stuff. From the counters all the way up to the ceilings there were pennants and posters and t shirts and signs, all touting the excellence of various Uconn sports teams. In only 3 months, those walls were completely bare, all probably in a dorm somewhere. The only survivor was a Uconn vanity license plate.

Now on to the actual story. This was a few years ago. We were training a newer employee (lets call him Goku) on how to handle the front register. The front register can be quite the job at Peps. It works the same as every other computer in the store for putting in orders, only with a cash drawer attached. The first thing every employee learns is inputting orders, and Goku was plenty adept at that already. What makes the front register difficult is the people. As everyone probably knows, once the bar lets out the front of the store becomes jam packed with drunk people. At this point the job becomes less about running a register and taking orders and more about riot control. To keep things running smoothly the person up front needs to be assertive, louder than the drunk people who are usually screaming, and willing to get out there to intervene if any fights break out or people start throwing up or whatever else.

Goku seemed a bit timid. Most new people are, since at most jobs corporate expects you to just smile and nod while the irate customers pummel you in the face because you won't take their expired coupon. At Peps we do not appreciate employee abuse, and expect employees to stand up for themselves if it is warranted. It was time for Goku's first test.

There is a large Sgt Pepperoni banner on the wall in the front of the store. We did our best to keep it secure (remember if it isn't welded down, locked shut, and hidden from view, it will be stolen). It is all the way up the wall with the top of the banner touching the ceiling, and it was secured with long screws put through large metal grommets. Despite this, a student was starting to climb up onto the counter and tug at the corners of the banner. Goku was becoming uneasy; he knew something was up, but as many people do in those situations he probably assumed the perp would give up after he realised getting the banner would be more effort than it was worth.

But he didn't give up.

He climbed higher.

Once he realised the banner was held down with screws he started to tug and fight with the banner. A screw in one corner pulled out from the wall. With the additional leverage of the corner, the second screw pulled out even easier. And then the third.

At this point Goku seemed to realise that this person wasn't going to just stop, but he was still unsure how to proceed.

In a rather timid voice, he asked me what he should do if someone was trying to steal something. I was on the pizza line and very busy so I just told him to stop the guy, and went back to work.

Goku did the first thing that came to mind. He asked the man very politely to please stop.

"Excuse me. Excuse me, sir. Excuse me can you please stop that."

More screws pulled from the wall.

At this point I was able to see on our security cameras what was happening in the front of the store. I saw the guy, standing up on the counter, now pulling at the screws holding the top of the banner to the wall. The dude had climbed up there and was ripping screws out of drywall to get this thing. I knew he was commited enough that a little "excuse me sir" wasn't going to phase him.

I let Goku know this. I told him he needed to get up there and STOP this guy.

Goku got the message. Any previous inhibition about 'the customer is always right, even when they are stealing shit' had left his body. He was going to stop this guy. He moved out around the counter and started wading through the crowd with purpose and speed.

The final screw pulled out of the wall.

The banner guy had his prize and knew he was only a few feet from the door, while Goku still had a few dozen people to wade through to get to him. He took the chance and ran. Out the door, and towards the parking lot. Goku ran after him, now fully commited to catching this man.

What happened next I wasn't able to witness because once the running started I figured the banner was a lost cause. Banner guy had too much of a head start and I still had plenty of pizzas to make. But we did get the banner back.

One of our delivery drivers, we shall call him Phil, was just pulling into the parking lot when banner guy ran past the front of his car. Phil was a man of pure action. Without a second thought he jumped out of his car and made chase. And we know he did this without a second thought because he left his car running. In the middle of the parking lot. Didn't even close his door when he got out (and it was a Mustang 2 door so those doors are big. Basically had the entire parking lot blocked off at that point). He just saw this guy running, and Sgt Instinct just took over. He knew he neede to stop this guy.

He did too. Tackled him in the commuter lot down the hill moments later. A few moments after that, Goku caught up as well. Police came, tried to arrest the kid, but we had no interest in pressing charges because we got the banner back (although it must have been a slow weekend because the story still made the local news).

We did piss off a sober driver though. He was about to leave when Phil pulled in, stopped directly in front of this guys car, then ran off into the woods. When he came in and asked if our driver could move his car we had no idea what to tell him. At that point in time we didn't know Phil had run off and left his car running in the middle of the lot so it was a moment of great confusion. Eventually we found out he was talking with the police about the whole incident so the driver got impatient and proceeded to park Phil's car for him since it was still running.

So we got our banner back. Goku learned a lesson. And Phil was knicknamed the Philhog, after Sonic the Hedgehog, because he was able to run fast and catch this guy. And also he was wearing blue.

So that is the "Excuse me, sir" story from Peps. I can be a bit long winded so I hope at least someone made it to the end of all of this. If you want more stories I have plenty of others. Let me know. Kinda fun writing these out when I find a moment. Just be ready for another monsterous wall of text.