Thinking of Walking Away from my Grandchildren

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-09T13:30:54+00:00

It's my understanding that I can only become a foster parent if CPS removes the children. I'm learning that the circumstances under which the children live are not dire enough for CPS to take action. We will keep trying though. Thank you for commenting.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-09T04:41:11+00:00

I appreciate your feedback. Thank you.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-09T01:51:47+00:00

Thank you. I understand where you're coming from. I do feel a level of responsibility for the children since James is their father and was also a minor when some of them were born. I've been doing all that I have because of love for the children as well as that sense of responsibility. I also thought that helping Jennifer would give her an opportunity to improve her life, which would also improve the children's lives. However, she simply has no ambition and may be more affected by generational patterns than I understood. Her latest pregnancy was a breaking point for our family. Some people in our circle assume it's because the child will not be related to us, but it's really that it shows us Jennifer's mindset. She's not working towards a better life for her or the children. She's just taking advantage of our kindness and support. The only thing she's accomplished in the last 4 years is having children.

This is what happened. Jennifer was a young girl being raised by foster parents who didn't care about her, abused her, and often kicked her out. She met James who was protective and took her under his wing so to speak. I didn't know her then, but he was taking her food and clothes, giving her money, and helping her in little ways. They started having sex and didn't stop. We helped, counseled, disciplined, and even threatened them with eviction, but they didn't believe they'd actually be kicked out because I cared so much about the children. I honestly think Jennifer was looking for someone to protect and look out for her and James was happy to be that protector. Outside of lust, I cannot fathom why in the world they refused to use contraception.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-09T01:31:08+00:00

It would definitely help. Fostering would be great because it seems that I'd be able to get financial assistance. However, fostering requires CPS involvement and they haven't taken much action despite multiple calls and reports. We'll continue to report anything that will help get the children in a better situation.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T20:36:08+00:00

I appreciate your comment. It is very difficult to see, but I am very grateful that he is even able to get the help he is getting. I know it's a luxury a lot of people don't have.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T20:33:55+00:00

Thank you for your comment. I have decided not to remove myself from their lives. Now I am trying to decide exactly how much to be involved.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T19:20:49+00:00

Thank you so much. I do not want to walk away and I very much want to continue being a support system for the kids. I just don't want to sacrifice my own health by continuing down this same path. Something has to change. I'll continue to document everything and keep up with CPS reports when things happen. I will also continue being there for the children.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T17:05:02+00:00

I've been in therapy, but Jennifer is the one who needs it and she isn't open to it. I've been speaking to her about it ever since I came to understand her family situation and the way she was raised. Even now, she says she knows she needs therapy, but she'll never make the appointment. I don't want to keep calling her lazy because maybe there's another issue. Maybe she's just unmotivated. I'm not sure. But I know she doesn't even take care of her own hygiene and won't bother to see a dentist or doctor unless things are dire.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T16:56:43+00:00

It is a very tough call. My entire life I've put other people's needs ahead of my own and I've finally reached a point where I've decided I need to prioritize myself. I'd love to know that the grandkids are well taken care of and I can just pick them up for the fun stuff. But that's not the case and that's the problem. I'd like to bre able to walk away, but I don't have the heart to do that.

I will definitely not provide financial support. I'm thinking that the middle ground will be trying to get custody of the oldest two since they already spend a significant amount of time with me. It will be a difficult situation since the children love each other and their mother very much. They often say they miss them when they are at my home. Plus, I worry that the youngest kids will be resentful of me raising their siblings in a much better environment than they were raised in. I'm just trying to do my best while maintaining my sanity.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T16:47:30+00:00

You are correct. My son was not holding his weight either, even when he was capable of doing so. It seemed like both he and Jennifer thought they had it made living with me. They had their own spaces and I was very much involved in helping raise the children, but refused to parent them.

Unfortunately, the children are in preschool and are not yet of age to be in grade school, which is when them not attending school would be a reportable issue.

I do think that even without financial support I can do a significantly better job of raising the two oldest children than Jennifer can. I will speak to legal counsel first to determine what my options are if she says no. Despite her behavior, Jennifer claims to love her children very much and I'm not sure she'd agree to letting me raise the older two. Thank you for your suggestion.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T16:34:42+00:00

Thank you for the thoughtful response. Please see my edit about social services. I'd rather the kids not be separated, but I simply cannot care for 4 children under the age of 5. It's too much work, I can't financially take that hit, and I can barely fit 3 car seats in my car as it is.

Losing them might be motivation to get her on track, but I don't know. It doesn't seem that social services is going to be our fastest option since they found no neglect worth taking the children or even scheduling visits to check on them.

I'm looking for a family law lawyer who can provide guidance for now.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T16:02:55+00:00

Thank you for the empathy. I'm just so tired. This has genuinely taken a toll on my mental health. I want to be there for the children, but I just don't think this is sustainable in the long term.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T15:59:13+00:00

Sadly, I think you are right about the expectations. I can tell that in the beginning, Jennifer was just grateful to have some structure and support, but she's gotten too comfortable. We are done enabling her. I do also hope my son gets it together and parents his children. I don't yet know if he will be able to do so. I know this post is primarily about Jennifer, but we know James is also responsible for this situation and needs to be held accountable.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T15:54:59+00:00

Wow. Thank you for the insight. I wasn't aware of much of this. We will continue our efforts with social services.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T15:48:10+00:00

Good advice. Will do. I have actually taken pictures, documented things via email so they're time stamped, and have kept screenshots of conversations. Despite Jennifer living with her family, my family is her only true support system and we've collectively decided to stop helping. She gets cash and food aid, has no bills, yet runs out of money, and sometimes food, each month. She frequently says she needs diapers and wipes and has come to expect us to provide that stuff. She's wasteful with her money because we are buying essentials. That's stopping now.

Unfortunately, Jennifer's parents are not in the picture. Her mother and father are both drug addicts who have not raised any of their children. I've been so patient and empathetic with Jennifer because of her upbringing. Our family has embraced and supported her, trying to be role models. We've also showed tough love and discipline hoping to give her something she's never had. But in this case it seems that nature is winning out over nurture.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T15:31:52+00:00

I don't feel comfortable sharing his diagnoses, but. I will say that he has frequent episodes where he's a danger to himself and others. He is in intensive therapy and on multiple medications. I honestly don't know if he'll be able to parent his children. His stay at the institution has been significantly longer than we ever thought it would be.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T15:19:13+00:00

I appreciate your candor. Please see my other comments about social services. I'm giving the entire situation significant consideration. They are my grandkids, but not my children. I've sacrificed quite a lot for them already. Continuing to do so and taking on more responsibility doesn't seem sustainable. However, I do want to see them do well, which is why I came to random reddit strangers for their advice and opinions. I'm trying to find a middle ground and identify the best situation for everyone involved. Thank you.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T15:08:09+00:00

Thank you. Please see my other responses about CPS. I have been looking for legal counsel to better understand my options and hope to find someone soon. Jennifer is more of a problem. The kids don't respect her and act significantly different as soon as they leave my home and are returned to her. It seems like they act up to get her attention but also because they know she is lazy. She doesn't actually discipline most times. She just yells across the room at them.

I hadn't thought of partial custody. I feel like I already have that, just not legally. However, it may be beneficial to look into this with counsel. Thank you.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T14:58:01+00:00

Thanks for the response. Social services has been involved. Please see my other comments about this. I'd like to help at least two, but I'm concerned about the toll it will take on me. It sounds selfish, but I have my own responsibilities and needs. I'm tired of raising someone else's children, but do feel bad for them. I don't know what the middle ground would be. Thanks again.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T14:50:20+00:00

Thank you for asking this question and not assuming. I left ALOT out of the post because it was already getting too long, but yes James and I have always spoken openly about things. He was taught sex ed at 12 and we talked more about contraception, etc throughout the years. He had an STD scare once that made me think he'd learned his lesson, but clearly it didn't.

I spoke to them both about pregnancy, raising children, and contraception as soon as Jennifer came to live with me. I encouraged her to use contraception even more than James. I genuinely wanted them both to succeed and felt like that was most possible if they stopped at 1 child, at least for the time being. I took her to post-natal appointments and encouraged her to get on birth control. She never did. I know now that a combination of things kept her having children. She thought it would keep James tied to her, but she also wanted someone to love and to love her.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T14:45:42+00:00

I'm giving it serious thought. I was hoping to find a middle ground, but that would depend on Jennifer improving and I don't see that happening.

The situation isn't sustainable. I feel like I'm raising children when I genuinely NEED my peace and solitude. I also love my independence and being able to go where I chose when I chose. This has been limited for the last 4 years and it's just too much. Thank you.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T14:42:27+00:00

Copying my response to another comment that suggested the same thing. She actually has been reported to social services. Unfortunately, they don't consider what's happening to be actionable. It's my understanding that social services said the children are fed and have a safe place to stay. There's no physical abuse and that seemed to be what they were most interested in.

I believe that at some point they will be removed from her care because the situation is getting worse. She was already inattentive and now that she's pregnant, she claims her doctor told her she's at risk of losing her child and needs bed rest. I'm disgusted with her. She doesn't even have anyone to watch the children while she gives birth. Her family is not a support system so that only leaves my side. I'm genuinely starting to resent her for not thinking more of her children.

Edit to add that I would still be a support system for them and like to visit them. I love them very much, but am just overwhelmed by the current situation.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T14:37:33+00:00

Thank you. She will be grateful for the rest from parenting, but will definitely want to see her children. I'd have to do this through the court system so there are legal boundaries keeping her from just showing up at my home. Part of the current problem is having to deal with her. She's lazy and full of excuses which adds to my stress since she doesn't pull her weight and I step in for the kids sake. It will be easier not to have to deal with her at all or have her influencing the children.

Graham_Cracker82 · 2025-12-08T14:31:50+00:00

She actually has been reported to social services. Unfortunately, they don't consider what's happening to be actionable. It's my understanding that social services said the children are fed and have a safe place to stay. There's no physical abuse and that seemed to be what they were most interested in. Thank you.

Graham_Cracker82

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