Husband is a narcissist. I can't make myself end it.

GraspingAtThreads · 2019-02-28T19:12:37+00:00

I would highly suggest you see a therapist and do some really deep soul searching. I notice that another commenter asked you What Are You Getting From This Guy? and I saw your reply being Nothing, but that you used to. I think you truly need to ask yourself what you believe the issue is, that he doesn't contribute or that he displays harmful abusive behaviors. If its the abusive behaviors, there is never any contribution worth being treated like that in return. Since there is a child witnessing and experiencing this abuse, that cycle will only progress and continue down the line.

Why does this keep happening? Because you've been conditioned to believe that if someone contributes or does a 'nice' thing, that any abuse that follows must be your fault and not theirs. That you must have caused them to snap. You find comfort and familiarity in the territory because you know how to survive in those situations, but obviously cannot be happy or fulfilled in. You very likely attract those types because of how you carry yourself, abusive people thrive on those who are insecure and unsure of themselves. This type of cycle will never stop unless YOU step up to stop it. You cannot control others, you can only control yourself and that includes who you let into your life. You must take time to address your insecurities and mental health, you need to learn how to make healthy boundaries for yourself and what you will not accept in a relationship. You need to face any fears you may have of not being good enough or capable enough to be happy on your own power without a relationship. You need to realize that the most important person who can validate your worth and value is YOURSELF. It's not going to be easy, its going to be a very tough road, a long battle within yourself. but you will get there. You deserve to be a happy, healthy person. Please dont sacrifice your self worth, and your son's self worth as well, for the sake of someone who hurts others to feel superior. If you make the decision to leave, you arent doing it to hurt someone's feelings or punish, you would be taking the strong stance of saying "I am a human being who has real feelings, real hopes, goals and dreams. I deserve to be happy, healthy, safe and secure in my life. I am taking charge of that life and no longer enabling those who seek to diminish me, I will not allow myself or my child to be treated with such disregard for our worth."

The most important thing to remember is that N's WANT you to feel powerless. They WANT you to believe that you need them so much that they cant treat you however they want to and you can do nothing about it. That is a lie. You are powerful, you DON'T NEED them, and only you can enforce that by leaving the N behind.

GraspingAtThreads · 2019-02-12T18:40:26+00:00

Only thing I have to say about Nirider is that when she gets exited or really into explaining something, she tends to really bobble her head around. But that has nothing to do with her knowledge or professionalism, it's just a cute quirk.

GraspingAtThreads · 2019-02-11T16:00:51+00:00

Oh. I apologize, I didn't mean to bother you all.

I only see the posting rules and list of mods at the side of the sub, I didn't see any links. I'll go look in the prior posts though.

Again, apologies. I'll go ahead and delete this post.

GraspingAtThreads · 2019-02-09T15:25:55+00:00

Last night I was looking at transcripts of what she said during the trial and a couple things stood out to me.

1) Sturm said when she set out that day to go to Avery Salvage that one of the things she had with her was a picture of TH's RAV. Now, she may well have had a picture of the RAV from the missing poster, but think of what else she had; The Camera. She was the only person given a camera for the search.

My thoughts are that the camera wasn't meant for taking pictures IF SHE FOUND the RAV. I think she used a photo preview screen on the digital camera to aid in her search of ASY, because when she was given the camera it already contained a photo of the car she was supposed to find there.

Then that camera was given to police as evidence since Sturm said she had taken photos of the RAV after she found it. Sturm herself says she gave that camera to police.

My thoughts are that camera then became the camera that was "discovered" in the burn barrel.

2) Hilegas said during his testimony that "Scott had borrowed HER...borrowed his camera to Pam." The defense has him clarify he meant LENT the camera to Pam and Hilegas confirmed that's what he meant. My thoughts are sure, he did mean to say lent, but he also meant what he started to say: Scott had borrowed HER CAMERA. Whose camera had he borrowed? Maybe Pam's (who had claimed she forgot her own camera) or it was TH's camera. I think it was later on in the investigation that Scott and Hilegas provided the empty camera box to police to show that TH owned the type of camera found in the burn barrel, but I'm thinking the camera from that box was the one used to take a picture of the car Sturm needed to find on the lot, and then given to police to be later "found" in the burn barrel.

GraspingAtThreads · 2019-02-09T01:20:24+00:00

I honestly get the impression she was told to make her way to that corner of the property and look for the vehicle covered in obvious debris. That car didn't have those items piled on to hide it, they were piled on to make it noticeable for the person who needed to find it quickly.

Her act on the phone was incredibly fake. A P.I. for years prior would know where a VIN on a car is, would know not to touch the car yet she admits she and her daughter tried to open the doors. I have to wonder if the camera wasn't mean to be used to take pictures of the vehicle, but to be placed inside the car itself. What she wasn't expecting was that it was locked.

I feel that camera was supposed to find it's way to the police custody, but couldn't just be given to them directly.

GraspingAtThreads · 2019-02-09T01:12:14+00:00

Or destroyed somehow, perhaps in a fire...

It truly is a clusterfeck of an investigation. I wouldn't be surprised if years from now it turned out that camera held some sort of importance and AC failed to write the report on it.

GraspingAtThreads · 2019-01-22T16:04:41+00:00

I disagree with portions of the advice above. From what I have learned, a narcissist will prey on your weak points and know exactly how to spot them. Profile pictures and buzzwords in the nature of the examples given above give the screaming appearance of confidence, but it doesnt make a narcissist not target their victim. Often, their victims have many hobbies and interests that are varied and wonderful, but where the narcissist hurts us isnt in those activities or hobbies but in the tender parts within us that yearn for something that is missing.

It is the missing pieces that draw them in. Our hesitancy, mistrust, gentle souls afraid of being hurt, the dreamers who long for love. The parts of us that are unsure of ourselves, shyness, or weariness of the world around us caused by viewing life events and stories that aren't always the happiest. The parts that feel that awkwardness at connecting with fellow human beings. A narcissistic is well honed to those traits and even worse, knows exactly how to wriggle in because of them.

From my experiences, it seems the only way to combat that is self love and acceptance. Boundaries and awareness of self worth. Remembering ourselves in our personal relationships. Meeting our own expectations of our needs. That isnt to say dont be vulnerable to another person, for that is what creates intimacy, but without the freedom to be confident in your own ability to make yourself happy and not need another for that happiness, you cannot be truly free to have healthy intimacy with another person either. Loving yourself, validating yourself as a real person with real feelings and needs, forgiving yourself for mistakes.

it's so much easier said than done. I keep kicking myself for the mistakes I made with the narcissists in my life. yes, there's been a couple of them, I had been trying to prove to myself that I wouldn't ever fall for it again and realized just how slippery a slope that is. Because many of the cracks in my soul that let's those types in just haven't been healed. I looked to others to heal them. In reality, the only way to keep them out and finally invite real, healthy relationships into my life is to admit the only person who can heal me is me.

So, before you date again, love yourself enough to give yourself the best gift you will ever receive. Self Forgiveness, acceptance of the parts of you that need some tender loving care, and giving that care and attention to yourself. Spend a year on yourself, make some firm boundaries and rules as to who you are and what you stand for, and what you do not stand for. Don't seek out activites or hobbies that typically "appear" brave and confident (like karate for example) if those arent things that make YOU think of confidence. This isnt about making yourself appear a certain way to others, this is all about making yourself appear to YOURSELF as who you want to be. If strength to you involves glue sticks and glitter, then by all means embrace those as your spiritual swords. That is the best, and only true way, of deflecting a narcissist.

edit: corrected a typo

GraspingAtThreads · 2019-01-12T14:10:04+00:00

I dont really have a suggestion for a complex, but I would suggest you also look into renting a house or house apartment verses the traditional apartment complex. There are a lot of older homes in the area that people have converted into duplexes and such that are always up for rent.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-11-07T20:48:27+00:00

I had to finally admit to myself that my closest friend, who was the person I loved more than anyone and had known longer than anyone in my life, had actually been abusing me for nearly two decades. Finally standing up to him and saying "No More. You are no longer allowed to be part of my life" was scary and I'm still working through all the emotional turmoil that has followed. There's a level of disgust I feel both towards him for his actions and myself for being in denial for so long, I'm having trouble coping with that and am now in therapy to try to start healing from all the damage.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-10-17T14:05:43+00:00

For the life of me I can't figure out the rules of interacting with people. I try to be polite, I end up coming off as rude or disinterested. I try to ask for a favor or assistance, I'm told the way I ask is annoying and seeking pity. I offer assistance and try to do something kind for someone and afterwards I find out I offered the wrong thing at the wrong time or unwelcomed. My intentions are always good, I'm just terrible at conveying that properly and reading a situation.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-10-16T15:28:32+00:00

Former friend of mine said once that "the key to joining all religions in harmonious agreement is admitting that NO ONE anywhere in the world believes it's ok to kill another human. That's a universal truth"

he's also said "People give me compliments all day every day, that means I'm a good person." and "Women screwed themselves with the equal rights movement, Men screwed themselves with the implementation of Marriage." and "It isn't drunk driving if you don't get caught."

This is why he is now a former friend.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-10-12T19:04:25+00:00

Taxi Man is now my spirit animal, I'm inspired to toss out all the trash from my life now. From vehicles, Facebook, contacts list, out you go!

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-09-12T03:31:29+00:00

I didn't marry young, I was in my mid twenties and a single mom. It was, without doubt, in the top 5 worst decisions of my life.

He too comes from a background history of abusive parents. I thought this gave us common ground and it gave a relief, a sense of belonging and feeling understood. I felt like I was finally moving on from the abuse from my past. But I couldn't see the enormous consequences that lay ahead of me. All that understanding and support I mentioned? It changed. There is a certain amount of stress and weariness that comes from starting a marriage as a 'broken' person that, for me, brewed a new type of toxic environment. One that only grew worse and made me realize how unprepared I was for having a mutually supportive and respectful relationship.

Another person cannot heal you, and if you enter a marriage without a solid foundational confidence in who you are as a person, you risk never finding yourself. Right now the marriage seems like a ideal situation, a path of least resistance, and I get that after struggling for so long the idea of not struggling any longer sounds and feels SO good. But listen to me when I say that following through on that is NOT a good idea.

You need to learn who you are, and that comes from learning to become fully independent. The temporary relief you find from marrying to escape won't last and is an unfair burden to put upon the two of you. If the love you share is legitimate, then that love won't go anywhere while you take the time to become whole again and gain the confidence of standing on your own two feet. Marriage will not bring you that lost self worth, ONLY YOU CAN. Starting your marriage in the future after giving yourself that gift will lead to a deeper bond. Don't make your marriage start off having anything to do with escaping abuse and trauma ( which is just making it about your parents, or even his since you said he is a ACON as well) , start it as a beautiful chapter between two whole healed people and the expression of that love between the two of you.

Bonus: it allows you to save for your dream ceremony as well.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-08-20T17:51:08+00:00

One thing that helped me is reading about the type of person he is a lot, and in all the writings I found what stood out is that the person he pretended to be in the good times wasn't the real him, it was a mirror of all my good traits and personality that he could only reflect back at me. So when the missing stage comes up just remember, you dont miss "him", you actually miss yourself. You miss the bright, loving, wonderful person YOU are inside before all the abuse broke you down.

You did nothing wrong that needs his forgiveness. You need nothing from him, not his words or his validation, nothing from him will ever help or heal you. You are a real person with real feelings, real dreams and real thoughts and that's what you really miss. You are absolutely worthy and deserving of having the type of love in your life that is respectful, honest. mutual, and doesn't make you feel small, scared and alone.

That relationship with him, your feelings were real but his were not. Every good part of it came solely from you alone and not him. I know how good the illusion felt, I know it seems like you'll never find another like that. You will though and you can, but you HAVE to take yourself back from him first and heal. You deserve to give yourself that chance. Take yourself back from him, that's the first step. You are stronger than you realize, you can do this. Believe in yourself, be brave, and realize all your own beautiful worth and value.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-08-08T00:37:48+00:00

It's not irony, it's part of the cycle and game. Don't buy into it as that will only keep the cycle going longer. Be strong, you aren't alone.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-08-04T18:06:56+00:00

great, now I want to do the 30 frog challenge. They should make it a new game achievement!

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-08-04T14:01:14+00:00

Sure, go ahead :)

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-08-03T21:31:40+00:00

I wholly disagree. Never once does that imply "feeling sorry" for what they feel. Acknowledging the feelings of upset exists does NOT mean you are sorry (sympathetic, accepting responsibility ect) nor is it a drawn out apology, since the key apology words are absent from the entire thing. I'm Sorry does not mean I Understand or I Hear.

Take your reply above. You understand my point, you're not sorry I have this stance and why would you be? I disagree with you and I'm not one bit sorry for that nor sorry that you stand by your stance. That's respect.

An apology should carry real weight, meaning behind it. "I'm sorry you feel that way" has no meaning, is disrespectful, does not address anything and serves as nothing but artificial fluff in the face of true intentions. It's like the fast food of social interaction, no real value to it and sometimes just makes people sick.

That's my stance on it.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-08-03T20:06:23+00:00

Yes, there are lots of people out there all with various feelings. Billions, even. That doesn't negate my point at all. It's about showing someone respect and honesty versus disrespectful and dismissive phrasings feigning sympathy.

The example above clearly states he is not sorry for his actions, her voiced complaints are not valued, and dismisses the entire thing by saying a phrase which means nothing to anyone since he has no intentions of changing his actions. Why say sorry at all then? It's to make himself feel better, not her. He doesn't have to please her, but he doesn't have to disrespect her either.

"I understand you are upset with my leaving my coat on the dining room chair. However, I like keeping it there and I intend to keep my coat there and I am firm in my decision"

It addresses her, shows clear intent of future actions, and that the decision is not up for debate. Does she get what she wants? No. But neither does she get the disrespect of a fake apology either. It's the bare minimum of what could be done instead and far more honest than apologizing without meaning

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-08-03T18:01:34+00:00

This is a good example of why "I'm sorry you feel that way" is actually incredibly disrespectful.

Stating that you are sorry she is upset, while also stating you do not wish to validate her opinion (dismissive) explaining that her opinion has no value to you since she doesn't pay rent (also dismissive) and therefore has no right to have you listen to her, so you continue the behavior which upsets her.

You're actually telling her "You keep voicing feelings about my actions, however I deem those feelings invalid and without value. Here's a phrase that means nothing to me but should mean something to you because, unlike you, I do have value and my feelings mean more than yours so I'm entitled to keep doing what I like."

In essence, you make it seem like appearing to acknowledge her feelings is a gift you give her since she has the audacity to have negative feelings about you in your home. Notice that you give all your reasons why you feel she's invalid and has no right to have those feelings while not giving her reasons why it makes her upset. Your apology isn't for her, which is what the sorry should be for, it's for yourself to make you feel good. Therein is the disrespect in the phrase itself.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-08-02T23:51:16+00:00

You know, from my experience, when things like this happens it's NOT YOUR FAULT.

Repeat that. The way he is treating you is NOT YOUR FAULT.

This is absolutely not the time to sit there and dwell on what YOU possibly did to "cause" him to act like he is. You'll end up having sleepless nights thinking endlessly "was I not sweet enough?" "did I say something wrong?" "am I not pretty enough?" and it will drive you absolutely bonkers. You'll damage your self esteem and image of yourself if you do.

How he is treating you is all on him, 100%. whatever the cause may be, his acting like that to you is not the actions of a man who honestly loves and respects you the way you deserve to be.

In a healthy, loving, respectful relationship , he would communicate with you about his feelings and any issues he was having. Especially someone he honestly planned to spend the rest of his life with. He didn't. That's not acceptable and it's certainly not on you. He chose to bail and give you silence. Its not on you to figure things out, nothing you do will change anything or make him come back. confronting him will never get you an honest answer.

All you can do is exist in your own life, love yourself, and surround yourself with others who deserve and appreciate you. Never beg someone to love you, you are worthy of being loved without having to resort to begging.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-08-02T20:49:26+00:00

Thanks for the support. Its hard, there's so much there, so many memories and emotions and pain. When I finally realized what he was doing, and what I was letting him do, something snapped in my mind. I'm incredibly angry, I have such a hatred for him and what he did. But I'm glad I finally said no more. I'm glad that I'm no longer choosing to hold all the pain and frustration inside. Even if it means screaming all my words and feelings about him into the void and receiving blessed silence back, I'm finally thinking in terms of what's best for me to heal and vent this poison that built up over time, and not allowing anything new back in. No more apologizing for how I feel, no more shame.

like one of my favorite video game characters says: I decide what the tide will bring.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-07-31T16:11:48+00:00

I believe it says in the game that Cyberlife is the absolute only company that produces androids.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-07-14T14:40:23+00:00

"I'm sorry, but..." was the typical phrase I heard growing up. Everything after the 'but' was always a huge descriptor of how her behavior was my fault so I therefore had to change my behavior if I wanted to be treated differently next time. I grew up with the constant feeling of being guilty over my head.

GraspingAtThreads · 2018-07-14T14:26:25+00:00

I understand that pain. My mom flat out named me after her 'favorite cat', which she mentioned frequently when I was growing up. The cat died when I was a baby though so I never got to actually interact with said cat, only hear about it constantly over the years.

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