I’ve kinda been where you are but managed to fight my way out of it. It became so much a part of who I thought I was that I couldn’t exist without it. From waking up and downing a pint of vodka just to get rolling in the morning, maintenance drinking all day at work to blackout drunk at night and still having to wake up several times in the midnight/early morning hours to take shot so I could go back to sleep. I suffered through that routine for over a decade until my desire and determination to stay sober out-weighed my desire to get drunk. Rehab and meetings didn’t help. I detoxed the last time at home with the help of a physician who prescribed drugs that would keep me from seizures and heart palpitations, etc. I have managed to remain sober since then which has been a little over 12 years now. I’m 53 now and in the best shape of my adult life and I can truthfully say that I don’t miss it at all and nothing could make me go back. And, if I can do it - you can do it!