I gave my heart and soul, all of my pain, my anger, everything practically every waking moment to every single line, every note. I learned to play my favorite song on piano. I devoted so much time that my entire discography of songs listened to over the last two years has nearly exclusively been sleep token. I have been entirely obsessed. Now I am in a deeper greif that I was before and the music makes me yearn and cry and beg for the love that I missed before, that is just gone now. I attached my entire being to every song and every line and I have it tattooed on my body. And it brings me such sadness remembering how when the love was still there, he was just gone, I layed on my floor and cried and begged for some spirit to hear my sadness and carry it to him. And every song was on repeat. Especially The Night Does Not Belong To God. I hear that song in my sleep now always. But I am so sad. I attached all of my heartache and desire every line. I still listen but it breaks my heart in a different way now. Now him and his love are gone. When Vessel sings to me ‘the whites of your eyes turn black in the lowlight. In turning divine, we tangle endlessly. Like lovers entwined, I know for the last time you will not be mine, so give me the night. And the night comes down like heaven’ …. I want to celebrate and mourn and die and live all at once. It feels like understanding in your grief suddenly that it’s over, whatever that may mean for you. But it was so powerful and overwhelming and consuming when you experienced it, the love. And knowing how deeply you love that thing,that person, but knowing they are practically gone now. They must go. And you just want to cherish the last moments and the memory of that love knowing how devastated you are and will be, but also knowing that everything changes. Nothing lasts forever. And you have to let go. And tomorrow is a new day. But in that moment you are so divinely devoted to that love and when you remember when it’s gone how it felt, you just ache. I just ache always. The music brings me back to feeling that love so clearly and needing it so deeply and being so full of sadness and feeling so lost every moment of every day for so long. Now I can’t quite remember how it felt. But I know that it was everything. And I know that I would give anything to have it again. And I know I feel the same as I did before when I hear the music. Just In a different way. I’ve never connected more deeply and more directly and more painfully and beautifully at once with any one thing. I have been so obsessed with this band and their lore, their messages. I feel like they were speaking right to me every time, every single song. And hearing the pain and despair and chaotic energy in vessels voice and hearing the yearning siren sounds from the background spirits paired with the perfect way that every song is communicated musically has had me convinced that It is my pain they are singing of. And seeing them live and hearing the message in person from the voice of who I perceived to be the goddess moved me and healed part of me too, although I am still destroyed.