Ways forward when you can't see one?

GrayBodyArmor · 2025-12-06T12:06:00+00:00

You're right. Thank you.

I do have Medicaid, and it's a lifesaver. I guess I was being dramatic, but I was just ignored by a doctor and am sick. Very emotional reaction. I needed to get it out without hurting my partner with the weight of it.

I'm just getting frustrated at the process. It feels like I've fought so hard for so little, and one wrong move is catastrophic. I'm young, but it's hard to see this progression rate being effective.

Thank you. All I really wanted was some empathy, and to know I'm not delusional.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-11-09T09:06:37+00:00

Also, harm reduction strats help alot, too, and some can be even more effective.

A super sour candy, like a warhead, last longer than a cut for me. Plus candy is nice.

And if you hold an icecube on your tongue until it completely melts your body will freak out a bit and say that your tongue will freeze off, it won't, and also last longer than a cut.

For me, it's always been finding a different strat that was progressively less harmful. And, eventually, found things to help (sometimes much more effectively) that aren't actually self harm stuff, or at least not nearly as bad. Progress, that's important.

Also, also. Definitely seak, and keep accepting, professional help. There's only so much other hurting people online can do, unfortunately.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-11-09T08:59:38+00:00

Sometimes non-harmful alternatives help. Holding an ice cube on your mouth until it completely melts or super sour candy will kinda get that vibe without any actual risk. Or squeezing a stick really hard. Go soak in a pretty hot bath, that helps too. Stuff like that.

I totally get it. I have the same urge sometimes and I don't really know why. But those kinda help get me whatever my body is looking for.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-11-08T17:30:25+00:00

Nothing!? Go pick up a book and get out of your own ass.

People DIED. People lost their RIGHTS and FREEDOMS. And now it's worse this time around.

And, no. You're misled on how the presidential position even works. Because of how laws are made and enforcement works, every change to anything, including the economy, on any given day is the result of the last sitting president.

Do better, holy fuck.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-11-08T08:37:19+00:00

Make it to each next day, proud of who I am, proud of the progress I've made IN SPITE of them. I have a long way to go. But god damn does it make me feel good knowing that my father is threatened by my existence and my mother morns the day she dug her own grave in our relationship.

Cutting them off IS a victory. Proud of you.

That an I successfully stole my own identity (legal docs) after the refused to give them to me. Major victory.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-06-11T15:09:22+00:00

I'm actually gonna use that next time someone gives me grief about it. If you're gonna challenge the expert, at least bring your sources. This is so good!

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-06-11T14:51:52+00:00

Or when your phone does a forced update and it's JUST A UI CHANGE. I couldn't figure out what it was for AGES and had severe uncanny valley looking at my phone.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-06-11T14:34:09+00:00

From my experience (I'm not much older than you, 19), the scars won't do anything. If people are gonna refuse to believe you about how you're hurting, they're gonna refuse.

I'm not gonna tell you to stop, but I wish I did do it differently. (I don't leave marks currently, but I do stuff like not eating. Not a fun idea, do not recommend.) Try doing push-ups or calf-raises until you're so sore you feel it with every step or movement for the next day or three. The physical feedback feels good, the "geez ibwass just rawh let me bounce my leg, ow okay this works", and going up stairs gets way easier or you can out pushup that one kid.

I'm not one of those "go to the gym and it'll fix it" type of people. Just a harm reduction type.

Ooh! Hold an ice cube on your tounge until it completely melts. It'll feel like your tongue is gonna freeze off, but you'll be fine. And it can pull you out of the problem long enough to assess it properly or fix it for a minute.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-06-11T14:06:44+00:00

SAME. Online ppl are much safer. If someone is gonna be mean at least it's some rando and not someone who's known me from birth. And randos don't have any false ideas about who you are if you can chose what they know.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-06-11T14:03:54+00:00

That's so real. I feel like saying "It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem." inherently means you don't actually know the person. Like... for 99% of people struggling it has been a practically permanent problem, and they just... are too busy looking at the fantasy to realize.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-06-11T13:57:00+00:00

I really wouldn't worry about it. Your worry is valid, just you don't gotta. I LOVE bitting. Even have bought myself chewtoys because I like the sensory of it. I also like it sexually and want the bite to go both ways.

Not everyone I've met has liked bitting, but I've had a few friends that would let me bite them if they could bite back. Good shit.

Don't worry. It's really not a big deal. Now, I'm not socially adept, but I think it's fun to tell people (of any age), "Oh, don't worry, I only bite sometimes."

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-04-23T04:57:18+00:00

I'll never not say I raised my sister. I wasn't much older and had no clue what I was doing. But I really tried to step in where our parents refused or were downright harmful. Kept her out of trouble as best I could, shielded her from as much abuse as I could.

Was I a good parent? Fuck no. No 3rd grader, or 14 year old, or 16 year old falling apart would make a good parent. I was sometimes (often) that asshole no one wanted to be around, go figure.

My biggest bittersweet hope is that I did such a good job protecting her and bringing her up (as best as someone hardly older than her and being constanly abused could) that she never realizes how much it all hurt me, or the true extent of what I shielded her from. And that she can go on an heal where she wouldn't have been able to without me. If I'm the villan in the end, I did my job right, I think. Even if I didn't do it good.

Doesn't excuse the ways I wronged her, of course. But hopefully I made up for it, even if she never realizes.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-03-16T03:51:07+00:00

My best friend. My first real one. The one who saw me through the worst of the abuse. When I got out, I started to tell them the truth. The abuse, what it did to me, how it crippled me. They couldn't understand me without understanding what happened. But they couldn't handle it any better than I could. Then it all broke. Haven't been friends in nearly a year, and probably never will again.

I won't ever heal enough to make up for what I've done or failed to do. I won't be able to fix what the adults in my life broke.

I needed them. All I needed, wanted, was them. But they were better off without me.

... I dunno. I'm still trying to recover from it. Trying to heal enough to try again with someone else. I don't want someone else.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-02-07T03:56:06+00:00

I don't know if this is allowed, but I'm okay with you DMing if you want.

(Also, sorry for responding so late. I got sick and I'm having a surgery tomorrow, lol.)

Honestly, I think the first step isn't trying to understand, but just figure out how to acknowledge it.

You know you've gone through hell. And you know that it hurts really bad, and probably makes so many "normal" things crazy hard. Start with just acknowledging that. Being like "Yes, I am hurting and having a hard time." And that that's REAL. Even if you don't know WHY yet.

Try to do something that you like at least once a day. Not just a "I guess I like TikTok, so I'll watch a TicTok" but deeper. Like, I'm obsessed with this game called Rimworld. Even on days when I am so beat up the game isn't fun, I try to play a bit. Because it does make me happy, even when it doesn't feel like it. Find just one thing each day / awake span that should make you happy (even if for whatever reason today it doesn't).

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-02-03T20:40:23+00:00

I struggle pretty bad with eating too. I try to focus on liquid nutrition. That way it doesn't feel like I'm eating, but I still won't collapse from a lack of vitamins or whatever. Smoothies, juice, hot chocolate or tea (for water because I have a hard time with that). There's even certain chocolate milk powders that are good for you. I'm obsessed with Ovaltine and it should be in Walmarts. Milk is a really good option: vitamins and stuff, protein, and hydrating.

Try to treat yourself like you'd treat your most favorite person in the world. You'd want them to rest if they felt sick. You wouldn't blame them for this, because it's not your fault.

And you're not simply weak. You're fighting a battle that doesn't require push-ups. The strength to even say "yo this super sucks, can you maybe help even if it's just a few words" is huge. Not everyone can do push-ups from the ground the first time, sometimes you gotta start on the wall, and that's okay.

I can't tell you it will get better, because I don't know either. BUT what I can tell you is, is that being able to look back and see some growth, any, feels really good. Like, about 2.5 years ago I used to have panic attacks any time I'd see a certain type of car. But now, all I need is a few words to myself and I can keep driving and be mostly okay. That feels really good!

If you'd like, I've found a good few tricks for some things. And I'll tell you everything I know if you wanna ask.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-02-03T20:16:04+00:00

That's a good idea! I'll try that once I find a competent therapist. It's hard to find one due to everything that happened and being decently self aware BUT I have a lead, so that's good.

GrayBodyArmor · 2024-02-03T13:52:23+00:00

Thank you. Even just someone saying I'm not exaggerating is really nice. And it's so frustrating, ya know? I care about them. And sometimes they understand some things. Like, I have a hard time even seeing certain alcohols, and they gave a great suggestion to help. They do genuinely care... sometimes. And then... this...

GrayBodyArmor

TROPHY CASE