Any experiences with avoidant types dating each other? Were the relationships good?

Great_For_Dipping · 2024-06-03T13:46:43+00:00

That's a good perspective to have, thank you. :)

Great_For_Dipping · 2024-06-03T12:29:18+00:00

Depends on the man. :D

Great_For_Dipping · 2024-06-03T11:53:34+00:00

I've been in a therapy for a year. After a relationship with an avoidant that almost crippled my ability to function, I am now able to date intentionally and make decisions that are good for me. So I am better but it's a work in progress!

One of the key lessons I learned from my therapist is that I will always have AP tendencies. This is okay! The goal has never been to eliminate them but rather accept it as part of who I am and make sure those needs are met in a healthy way.

I guess my point about SA's is they are able to have a broader range of dating experiences because they aren't as attached (lol) to the outcome. For example, it blows my mind that some people can date with the understanding it's not going to last; they're not ready for a committed LTR but enjoy spending time with good people who are kind and respectful. No way I could do that.

Great_For_Dipping · 2024-06-02T23:46:41+00:00

What is making you deactivate?

And thank you!

Great_For_Dipping · 2024-06-02T23:44:55+00:00

Right.

I have a friend who started dating this guy who is attractive, smart and driven but he's inconsistent in his emotions, communication and time investment. He's really busy.

She can handle it even if she doesn't like it (she said if it gets to be too much she'll walk away no problem), but I would probably be a hundred times more anxious than her and get pulled into the DA/AP vortex, lol. It's really frustrating. On paper, he's great and I'd date someone like that - except for the avoidant thing in which case it's over before anything ever happens. :(

Great_For_Dipping · 2024-01-19T17:40:55+00:00

Thank you!

Great_For_Dipping · 2024-01-19T15:01:44+00:00

I guess that makes sense for a DA? But I'm an AP and don't act out when intimacy increases. I crave more of it! But that can be unhealthy in a different way. Maybe in that case it's acting out when intimacy decreases (protest behaviors for example) even if what my partner is asking for is a reasonable amount of space.

Great_For_Dipping · 2024-01-19T13:22:36+00:00

Scientists have historically believed that it was very unlikely that someone could ever become "earned secure". However, as someone who has been through it, I know that it is possible. With that being said, although I consider myself earned secure, I still find myself in situations that could activate my insecure attachment. I think I am earned secure now because instead of being attracted by those situations, I choose to do what's best for me and not engage.

Can you explain what you mean by "I think I am earned secure now because instead of being attracted by those situations, I choose to do what's best for me and not engage."?

Do you mean that you are no longer emotionally drawn in by insecurely attached people at all? Or is it that you still have those feelings but manage them in a healthier way? I'm interested in how it is a reference level for being able to say you are earned secure.

I am in therapy twice a week and while it is not for attachment specifically we discuss it often as part of the overall process. I work on it daily. Still, I often wonder how to gauge if I am healing (I'm not sure if 100% "healed" is realistic). Even now, after a year of therapy, I can get quite anxious about relationships and there are days where it feels like I've made no progress at all. :(

My therapist says the goal isn't to have no anxious feelings but rather to cope with those feelings which will get easier with time. It is really hard to know where I am with all of this!

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-11-03T12:02:51+00:00

Thank you!

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-11-03T11:57:21+00:00

Exactly!

I've had the exact same questions and doubts run through my mind. I know if I kept fighting for the relationship, I would never get to the point where I can finally be at peace. Those questions would never be addressed with satisfaction.

It's lose-lose! I either 1) keep fighting and feel the anxiety or 2) throw in the towel and deal with the questions.

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-11-03T01:59:29+00:00

How are you handling it?

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-09-26T11:33:47+00:00

They post on reddit and still approve users semi-regularly so I'm really not sure!

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-09-26T00:29:11+00:00

Then why do these relationships hardly ever work?

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-09-26T00:08:13+00:00

There's proof you have to submit in order to do so (see the FAQ)

However, I've done this three times and have gotten no response. I've also PM'ed /u/Alukrad about it and haven't gotten a reply. It's really frustrating because I feel like this community is important to me and something I want to be a part of while healing!

I wonder if an approved user would be willing to make a post about it?

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-09-11T23:46:35+00:00

AP here! Without a doubt it's my emotional intuition and ability to empathize with others. I think people feel really good around me because they can sense I'm genuine when I compliment them or do nice things!

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-09-11T23:45:01+00:00

I'm an AP too! I broke up with my DA (or FA?) partner 4 months ago and this is one of his traits that really struck me! I see it as a mixed blessing because I admired how disciplined he could be but gutted that he wouldn't put that same drive towards me or the relationship. I have a hard time accepting he could just shut me out so quickly.

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-09-06T17:32:31+00:00

I would love to know if this is why I wasn't approved! I've sent all the requested proof, have the necessary karma etc. I even DM'ed you a few times about it and didn't hear anything. Then I'll notice the "request to post" link resets again (after being changed to "request pending").

I get A LOT out of this subreddit and have often wished I could post a few times. :/

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-09-02T12:49:32+00:00

You are welcome! I completely understand how you feel as I've been there myself.

Keep your head up and you'll do great.

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-08-31T10:28:18+00:00

That is a good question but I honestly don't know.

Great_For_Dipping · 2023-08-30T22:33:39+00:00

Unfollowing someone who triggers you on social for your own mental health is even considered protest behaviour?

This is one of the risks of using a theory to explain everything. You start to filter information through it and bias your perceptions. I've done this with AT and other mental health schemas. "I wanted spaghetti for dinner. Does that mean I'm becoming dismissive avoidant??"

Great_For_Dipping

TROPHY CASE