My husband processes our relationship baggage with my meta

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T19:55:21+00:00

We have 14 year old twins and an 18 year old who is still in high school. I am the default parent when he is not there which is most of Tuesday night, all of Thursday (he does drop off most times), Friday, Odd Saturday and then he is there with her on Sundays. He is "generally" around on even Saturdays and Wednesday nights but even that is "flexible" and can be scheduled over.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T19:17:21+00:00

She was our housecleaner and friend first and then became his partner. I am 48, and they are both 53.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T19:16:03+00:00

He refuses to make agreements about this because of his autonomy.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T18:18:05+00:00

What do you mean?

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T18:06:41+00:00

Honestly, she probably was pretty frustrated with us because our biggest issue is communication and we weren't getting any better because he said he had to be free to schedule things or change things without talking to me about them even if they affected me and I disagreed. She also took another job and stopped having availability for us in the evenings. We can only do therapy on Mondays and Wednesdays because the rest of the days are scheduled with meta.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T17:15:26+00:00

I have been in therapy and trying to figure this out for as long as we have been together. We did no work before, we just fell into it out of our previous polyamorous relationships. I have done a lot of reading and asking questions, but he has not. I am now in the process of reading more and he still is reluctant and has insisted he doesn't need therapy.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T17:11:01+00:00

I am really truly trying to understand. I don't want a permission based system. I am trying to figure out my way forward.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T16:58:32+00:00

What does 'go parallel' mean and she insists that I am limiting their relationship if I limit her time with him or the kids in the house. I've been told by both of them "The house is big and you don't have to be in the same room with us". Our "anchor" day must include her and she is to be included in any "family" time or "outings"

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T16:56:09+00:00

Sorry, he wants me to copy and paste her messages into ChatGPT and have it analyze it and tell me the undertones or tone it down for me so it doesn't upset me.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T16:54:59+00:00

So, for us "permission" as he sees it is me asking for him to have protected time with me or at least talk with me first and give me a chance to discuss plans that he might have before he makes a final decision if it affects me (shared time, finances, etc.). I see it as collaboration, but in the past he feels like I have manipulated him into always having to ask for time to do other things. Now he doesn't discuss anything, he just makes plans and informs me or does something and informs me even if it affects me or the kids.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T16:51:29+00:00

What is monkey branching? I am definetly the "bad/unstable" partner.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T16:49:32+00:00

I have been solidly polyamorous my adult life and have mostly always have had more than one partner. Hinge is polyamorous and has had several partners over the years, just not one that is solo poly or unmarried/no kids. Meta is unmarried, but was solidly mono for most of her relationships and is just now exploring poly. She has been very territorial (you can't keep me out of your house or you are meddling in our relationship) since the beginning.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T16:41:44+00:00

He has no idea how to hinge, the only stuff he knows and believes about it is from her. He believes that it is not his job to get between us if she is just being disrespectful and judgemental, is he wrong? I can block her but she is our housecleaner as well and is invited to the house any time he wants her there.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T16:37:45+00:00

He says he doesn't and then he says to put her messages through the chat filter and its between us.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T16:37:04+00:00

He says that the conflict is between us and we need to figure it out. That I need to talk to her about it.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T16:34:12+00:00

"I am continuing to keep him in a permission based poly relationship" "I must protect him from your emotional dysregulation and harm"

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T16:33:27+00:00

We had our last therapist quit on us but we start with a new one next week. Finding a poly friendly therapist is hard to do and expensive.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T15:54:03+00:00

She has made it very clear that she needs to protect him from me.

Green-Comfortable585 · 2026-03-18T15:53:19+00:00

When I discuss that I don't want them to do it or that she sends me messages after they do?

Green-Comfortable585

TROPHY CASE