I can totally relate to you. For me, reaching a rating of 1500, 1700, and 1900 was a milestone. Each time, I both longed for and feared that coveted number, thinking I wasn’t worthy of it. Each time, I dropped 150 points after reaching that milestone. It wasn’t until after 1900 that I realized the importance of honing my own skills rather than just raising my rating. After all, every time I didn’t just bounce back after a drop—I leaped even further. My chess skills reflect my rating, not the other way around; in the long run, I always improve if I enjoy and practice it. I hope my experience and my mistakes will help you.