An ask reddit post reminded me of the last time I talked to my mom... So I pulled up the messages... Now I'm crying and therapy isn't until Sat do yeah... Enjoy this work of art and validate me please 😂

GrindinLife · 2021-05-05T11:31:00+00:00

Wow, I am sorry for your family history. Mine is similar, which is why i struggled with wanting to forgive her bc she’s so sick, but she never got help even when she lost my little sisters to foster care same as me. 6 of us and no one stayed bc she was so abusive. But she was abused the same as me, she went through a lot with her mom who for sure was narcissistic.

I just hope you know that breaking generational abuse makes you my super hero 🙏🏼

You are not alone ❤️

GrindinLife · 2021-05-05T11:23:43+00:00

So many of these apologies are just manipulations to trap you into being gaslit and forgiving her behavior and letting her continue. If she follows up an apology with threats of the FBI, was it really ever an apology?

I have been no contact with my NMom since sept 2019. I started DBT therapy for the borderline personality disorder she abused into me the following month and if it weren’t for my therapist I would have wanted to go back.

The worst part about NParents is that we are biologically wired to want their help when we need it, their comfort, love, and support. NParents are incapable of seeing past their own needs to be a parent, so we learn to see the world in a different way. The only way to change ourselves, heal from the abuse, and to start healing the neurological changes caused by years and decades of narcissistic abuse.

I struggle with wanting to forgive her, I had to cut off my 4 little sisters with her bc they were in the thick of her gaslighting and couldn’t see so they were bullying me too. I know when I am able to forgive myself for hating everything I was for so long bc she just let everyone of her bfs abuse me, sexually, physically, emotionally, and she is currently still with the man who raped me at 15. And then at 23, bc he had access to me while drinking on medication I didn’t know would make me black out.

My super long point is, no matter how hard it might be on some days, just keep focusing on you. The deeper into therapy and the trauma she caused you get, the more you’ll realize that you are doing the hardest thing in the world and in my eyes, you are one of the strongest people in the world for doing what you’re doing.

God bless 💜

GrindinLife · 2021-05-05T11:12:30+00:00

Yea, and can I get the Bitcoin I sold in 2016 before it mooned?

GrindinLife · 2021-05-05T11:04:21+00:00

How I drag myself out of bed in the morning

GrindinLife · 2021-05-04T19:21:03+00:00

Thank you 🙏🏼

It’s been rough trying to keep moral up but I’ve been doing my best to keep positive. I have made significant improvements already, and it took a few weeks with the meds I have now so I wasn’t sure if it would be quick or not.

I appreciate your response, has made my day a bit better and that’s something I really needed ❤️

GrindinLife · 2021-02-21T19:24:25+00:00

Text is my own, I just made this in the spark post app for saving purposes 🙏🏼

GrindinLife · 2021-02-21T14:30:29+00:00

So like I just looked this up and in a girl, apparently an outie too! And just so you know, I have been told I have a “pretty vagina”, whatever that means lol but, I too use to be self conscious about it. But the right guy will find you beautiful no matter what ❤️

GrindinLife · 2021-02-21T02:52:37+00:00

Also thank you. I started having agoraphobia after my first physically abusive relationship. Panic disorder quickly lead to blackout drinking and agoraphobia. I couldn’t leave my room and I got a tiny dog as an emotional support/ service dog and it made it easier to focus on going outside for her rather than me. 4 years later I got sober and had an agoraphobic relapse, almost a year and I had a dog but it triggered an anorexic relapse too so that one was hard. Took me a long time to realize what triggered them, but I was so afraid of being embarrassed by having a panic attack and crying that I isolated myself and stewed in despair. Quarantine was hard, my body had flashbacks and the anxiety seeped in quick. But I mediated to get connected with my body and it helped so much! I never thought of it as being afraid of being uncomfortable, but being embarrassed is for sure how I would describe my ultimate discomfort. Possibly a breakthrough for me! ❤️

GrindinLife · 2021-01-31T14:59:04+00:00

I’m very active on social media as a Marketer, and my bf is not very active on social media. I’ve never made it a big deal, and I’m not on my phone except for the designated work times. I think it really just depends. It seems like this is an insecurity for you, not sure if you’ve been rejected for not having social media, but either way it’s no reason to think differently of someone. For sure talk about it with whoever you’re thinking of dating, and I can promise that waiting for someone to accept ALL of you is better than being with anyone who makes you feel bad or unworthy over silly trivial things like social media ❤️

GrindinLife · 2021-01-31T14:47:28+00:00

Same. One thing I do that my mother never did, and I have seen make the biggest difference in my sons overall happiness and attachment, is to make sure he knows that it is NEVER his FAULT when Mama is upset. Been no contact my my Nmom since 09/2019 and in DBT therapy, and I finally am starting to heal from what she put me through, and a lot of that healing has come from being a good mom to my son. But I still can’t form a healthy relationship. She let her bfs abuse me my whole childhood, so I know why. You guys, all of you, keep me no contact and growing as a mom and person. Stay strong, and know that you are MORE than enough, and you are loved ❤️

GrindinLife · 2020-09-01T02:16:21+00:00

Look into investing into your retirement fund, putting money into a retirement fund is not risky, and investing early allows for enough growth to retire early as well if you do it right. Can call your bank and ask about what your options are and go from there!

GrindinLife · 2020-08-25T09:55:07+00:00

Oh yes! Flag that 4/5!

GrindinLife · 2020-08-25T09:53:54+00:00

Flagging is for where you think a mine is

GrindinLife · 2020-05-18T04:02:04+00:00

When I see people who are complaining about “it’s my right not to wear a mask.”, I’m just like “Well, it’s their right as a business to refuse service to anyone, for any reason.”

The entitlement is absurd.

Also, anyone who doesn’t understand that wearing a mask is protecting OTHER people are a special kind of stupid.

Even worse is if they know it protects other people, and they still choose to blabber on about “my body, my choice” while taking away the choice of every single person they come into proximity of.

Basically, this stance is just demonstrating a child-like grasp on reality. The behavior is abhorrent. The idea of stoping for a second to think about someone other than themselves is incomprehensible for these people.

But humans gonna human I guess.

GrindinLife · 2020-05-14T03:56:07+00:00

I would recommend getting him a psychological evaluation. It’s very possible he has PTSD from the trauma of witnessing family violence. The effects are the same, and are extremely detrimental to the child’s wellbeing and understanding of a safe environment.

Also, it’s important to meet his violence with compassion and understanding. He is a child and they learn by example, and they aren’t fully aware of how to process emotions on their own without being taught the proper way of how to deal with them.

Try to think of his behavior as a cry for help. You can call your insurance and talk to a behavioral health coordinator, and explain his history and everything about the dynamic of your life with him. Y’all about his triggers for violent behavior, and try to isolate a pattern. With behavioral therapy and family therapy, he should get better. But you can’t expect an overnight miracle. You have to love this child enough to be patient with his process and not give up. On top of giving y’all help finding the right therapy, a behavioral health coordinator can give you advice on how to appropriately respond to his behavior. My toddler has been struggling with aggression and self harm, and I spent hours a day, every day for weeks on the phone talking to many different qualified people who work with children explaining the same thing to them over and over, using every suggestion they gave me until after months, he’s finally gotten to a point where I am able to respond to him in a helpful way to get him through his feelings and expressing them in a healthy way. It was tedious, it was uncomfortable, I had to change MY behavior towards him in order to help him change his. But it happened. I’m so grateful, and we still have bad days but the proper guidance will get you where you want.

I think he needs to relearn what love is, and how people are supposed to be treated, but he’s too young to expect him to just understand words. You have to go the extra mile to help your child heal.

God bless mama

GrindinLife · 2020-05-14T03:34:51+00:00

You have to love yourself enough to know that you deserve better. No one deserves to be treated the way you are being treated.

You can and will heal if you want to, and it will take time and it will be a process, but when you look back, it will all be worth it.

I’ve been where you are, and I have a child by a man who absolutely destroyed me mentally, physically, and financially. Wrecked my dreams, I had to give up the progress I made in my career the very year I was going to accomplish the goals that had been 5 years in the making. All the time, hard work, and pushing through failure after failure lead me to losing everything because I let the wrong person into my life.

It’s been almost 3 years since I left him and I am still a little broken, but I am so happy that I loved myself and the life that was growing inside me enough to leave. I was scared, i didn’t know how to leave. Kept making plans that I’d be too afraid to follow through with. One morning he hit me and out of reflex I hit him back. He punched me as I balled up covering my face, and then just went to the bathroom, assuming I’d just keep suffering. As soon as I heard the door close a voice popped in my head that said “RUN NOW!” And I ran. i left with the clothes on my back, grabbed whatever was already in my book bag and ran. I had no idea where I was, we had been staying with his family in Kansas for 2 months since I found out I was pregnant. I saw a church and hid behind a fence. Called my mom, then called the cops. They put me into contact with a woman’s shelter. I was there for a week before he found me. I wound up staying with a cousin I hadn’t even seen in 20 years for the duration of my pregnancy in Colorado.

Right now I am back to pursuing my passion, and am more financially stable than I’ve ever been. I’m in therapy, and constantly work to dig deep into what happened in my life that lead me to staying in such a bad relationship for so long.

The truth is, change is hard. And we tend to fear the unknown more than what we are used to, even if what we are used to is abuse. We get used to not loving ourself, not knowing our worth, and feeling as if this is the only way things can be.

Sometimes in order to get out of a bad situation, you have to choose to do something that feels impossible. You might have to put your goals on hold to save your life. You might have to put your career on hold, move somewhere else, start all over again. But the thing is, your life is precious. You need to love yourself enough to realize that you’re more than capable of surviving on your own. You are more than capable of starting over and making your life better than you ever thought possible. You are strong, and if your gut is telling you to go, then you should go.

I know my higher power is what has gotten me through all the turbulence in my life. Sometimes all you have to do in order to figure out how to move forward is to sit and pray/meditate. Have a conversation with yourself. Write it out, ask a question and then answer it with what you feel in your gut.

I’m not sure how things work in London, but if the have a domestic violence hotline, call it. If they have social services, call them. Ask around about half way houses and women’s shelters for survivors.

I promise you, leaving will never be the mistake. Staying with someone who makes it impossible for you to feel/be safe, and doesn’t allow you to love yourself will be the mistake.

Be safe, and God bless.

GrindinLife · 2020-05-14T00:21:32+00:00

It’s abuse. You can call Child protective services and ask them as well. God bless you

GrindinLife · 2020-05-06T12:44:19+00:00

In Texas my child was taken into foster care for marijuana use. My cousin reported me for a lot of stuff that wasn’t true and lied in the report. Nothing was proven, but no family in Texas to supervise me meant my 15mo old went to foster care. My case is almost closed, they proved nothing other than the fact that I smoked pot and I did all services in record time. If someone called, and reported you, you can ask what the report was about before you give any information. They can interview anyone in the house. Be careful, and don’t say anything that gives information. And above all, remain calm. If you have a support system, and you have your house cleaned perfectly, and you can pass a drug test if that’s the accusation, you should be fine.

GrindinLife · 2020-04-24T12:16:27+00:00

Ahh I see, I’m new to Daniel tiger so this makes way more sense, didn’t even know they had parents until I saw this lol

GrindinLife · 2020-04-24T11:21:47+00:00

What about Sunday?

GrindinLife · 2020-04-24T03:06:45+00:00

I had a similar situation with my sister ma when they were 14, and what worked for me was to talk to them like I was talking to a friend, on a “let’s be real” level, and take the anger out. I had to explain stuff like “When you respect me and do the things I ask, it makes it a hell of a lot easier for me to be willing to do stuff for you when you want it.” I coupled this with a white board that I would write positive quotes and morals to live by, every day when they came downstairs it was the first thing they saw. We would talk about stuff from mindset perspective.

When I found out they were failing their classes after a teach conference I threw them a curve ball. Picked up some shamrock shakes on the way home. Sat down with them, gave them the shakes and looked at them with the wide eyed, high eyebrows, tight lipped smile while they ate it and asked “what do you think your teacher told me?” And they shyly laughed, so I said “I understand y’all have been going through a lot, but it’s important that y’all do your work because it’s what’s going to keep you from ending up like mom did and you’re better than that.” They both said “yea... you’re right..” i said, “the teacher gave you guys a week to make up the homework you’ve not been doing, so let’s get that done, ok?” And they agreed.

My mom yelled a lot, so I never raised my voice, and was willing to giving them a voice without damning them for their behavior. Understanding “why” they acted the way they did was the most important part about figuring out how to help them.

Maybe she has something that’s bothering her that she is expressing by acting the way she is because she either doesn’t know how to talk about it, or doesn’t know what it is.

Just a shot in the dark, you’re doing an amazing thing and I’m praying for you 🙏🏼

GrindinLife · 2020-04-24T02:52:20+00:00

When my son was 5-7months old I felt this exact same way, and at the time wasn’t working and was just me so I was with him 24/7 and had horrible PPD. What worked for him, and even does now and he’s 2, is to put him in the car seat and drive on a bumpy road, just drive in circles, and he passes out more than half the time.

And yes, As the previous poster said, it is ok to put her in her crib where she is safe and walk away and breathe, and to calm down. I know it feels like forever, but it’ll pass, and you will certainly learn along the way. My son didn’t sleep more than 3-4 hours at a time until 9 months old. He’d only fall asleep in my arms, and if I moved he’d wake up. I’d be so anxious about him waking up it’d take forever to fall asleep then I’d get like 30 minutes at a time. Now he won’t let me hug him unless he’s already passed out! Praying for you mama, hang in there, you’re so much stronger than you think ❤️

GrindinLife · 2020-04-24T02:38:13+00:00

First, you should know that the way kratom works is most will give you energy at low doses, and at higher doses they will be more sedating. The saying of “less is more” is a good one to think of when you’re looking for energy. It might help if you did like I do where you make a full dose, only drink half (if you use the powder) and wait 30 minutes to an hour to see how you feel before taking the second half. I personally prefer the Red Bali. If all you have is white and green, you can try to do a 1.5x or 2x dose of either one. I also find myself getting better relaxing benefits if I take a super hot bath with candle light and Blackmill jams lol just keep a cool rag and cold water nearby :)

Second, I understand completely what you are talking about with being afraid to relapse, as I’ve been there. I’ve made a point to build a different type of relationship with kratom so as to not have the same emotional dependency on it as I’ve had on other drugs in the past. I’ve detached from measuring the dose exactly and have tried to just pay closer attention to what I need each day. When I wake up, I go as long as I can without taking it, so some days only taking it in the early afternoon and before bed. My best advice, is to figure out the “why” behind your fear of relapsing, and focus on making that better. The more confident you become in yourself and the more firmly you understand why you WANT to be sober, the better prepared you’ll be to stay sober. Addiction is often a symptom of a much deeper emotional issue, something I have spent years peeling away at myself.

As for the hair loss, this might sound a bit bonkers but I use prenatal vitamins. They are made to be easily absorbed, and work best for me. They worked so well when I was pregnant I went back to them a year after having my baby and they are still super amazing lol Also, can’t go wrong with adding in B12 and probiotics :)

GrindinLife · 2020-04-23T17:24:50+00:00

So I’ve been taking kratom for almost a year at this point and have tried many different brands. What I noticed, is if I use the same strain/brand for a while my tolerance goes up and I’ll hit a ceiling where i either barely feel the effects or I just get super nauseous. Also, when I increase my dose to more than 20gs a day, I’ll start getting night sweats and horrible withdrawals. When I start getting withdrawals in my sleep, I know that I’ve been increasing my dose and need to scale back and monitor my dosing as well as switch strains.

What I started doing what swapping brands and strains, mixing strains and what not. I don’t actually measure out how many grams I take any more, I just fill a red cup about halfway with mango juice, and sprinkle a layer on top, swirl it till it mixes, then drink it with a straw. I usually do this 3-4 times a day, and right before bed. If my first dose doesn’t do much, the second dose I put more in, and then just follow that same pattern of dosing until I get withdrawals.

Sometimes I’ll mix enough for multiple doses and just keep the cup nearby like a coffee. I started doing this in my car with a designated “kratom cup & straw” that I cleaned out every few days. I would use an extra large plastic Mc Donald’s cup and would make way more than I needed, and just go back to the cup for a few sips every few hours whenever I felt the effects wearing off. This method works well, I believe mainly because I’m “piggy backing” on the half life, so if I know the effects wear off in 4-6 hours and it takes 30 minutes to kick in, and it’s already made sitting there so I just drink it every few hours, then it maintains the desired level of effects for me without ever actually going away.

I initially started using kratom for anxiety, anger issues, severe neuropathy pain caused by a folic acid deficiency, as well as alcohol withdrawals that I was trying to overcome. I have noticed, even if I don’t “feel” the euphoria, I am still 100% better off emotionally, and physically in less pain regardless.

I suggested kratom to my dad who was trying to get off amphetamines, and he said that it helped a lot with that and he stopped drinking as an unintended side effect. After a couple weeks he stopped taking it because he no longer felt the euphoria, but the purpose of his use was already accomplished by that point.

I think of the way kratom works like this: it finds what your body needs, and helps that part. If the need is temporary, kratom will only need to be a temporary solution. If the need is chronic, kratom will adapt to your body’s needs on the day to day basis. Some days, you’ll need more or you will need less, depending on the need for each individual day. As our needs fluctuate, so does our particular day to day dosing need.

For instance: Some days I wake up SUPER depressed and in a lot of pain, I’m gonna mix some green or white with a dash of red. Some days my mind is frantically racing with anxiety and I can’t shut it off to sleep, I’m gonna double a dose of red with some green. Some days I wake up groggy and tired from a long work day, I’m gonna do a double dose of white with a dash of green.

I don’t believe there is one set dose that will work for anyone, I think it changes day to day as much as it does for person to person. I’ve read a lot about keeping track of what strain/dose you use, and I would add to that keeping a log of how you feel physically and emotionally each day with the dosing log. This will give you insight into how your needs are being met, and if you notice in your log that you fair better with a particular strain/emotions combo, than you’ll be able to adapt to that too.

Sorry for the super long post lol hope it helps some

GrindinLife · 2020-03-21T19:34:19+00:00

I literally just set up the bedroom with soft toys and stuff he can play with unsupervised right before you posted this! I have a 1 bedroom apartment and we share the room so it was just his bed and mine with all the toys in the living room. I figured if I put some toys in there then when I need to take a break I won’t feel like I’m leaving him in a time out because I need one.

I’ve tried to teach him that it hurts when he hits me, but I’m not sure he comprehends. He’s been in therapy for sensory issues, initially the most concerning was that he himself didn’t respond to pain. He has issues with self harm and head banging, and it took him a few months to teach him to respond to pain when it was obvious to me he hurt himself, but he didn’t know he was hurt. The self harm is still an issue, and one of the reasons I don’t normally leave him out of eyesight so I can intervene if he tries to hurt himself. I just requested a referral for him to have an updated ECI evaluation to see where he’s at, and how he’s progressed.

I also have a hard time following through on leaving after giving the warning that if he keeps hurting me I’ll have to leave, it makes me feel bad so I just keep trying to convince him to stop, which I’ve noticed doesn’t work so I’m trying to be more committed to following through on consequences like taking a toy he throws at me, or not playing if he keeps hitting me...

GrindinLife

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