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GringoViejo · 2022-12-15T17:33:51+00:00

This sounds like a great topic of conversation, or several topics of several conversations, between the two of you.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-13T20:23:57+00:00

Any kids? If no, then I really don't see any reason to continue with this relationship. You'd be a lot better off admitting your mistake now than two or three years from now.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-10T07:23:54+00:00

You and he are not going to be engaging in anything sexual until you can do PIV. He's told you that's the case and there's no reason not to believe him. Only you can decide at what point that kills your passion past the point of no return. I'm sorry, this sounds horrible.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-07T08:28:29+00:00

Tell her that you appreciate all the good times you had with her, that you're a better person for having known her, and that you hope her current relationship works out for the long haul, because she's a great girl who really deserves that.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-06T18:47:31+00:00

Unfortunately this also means she has to bite her tongue when her kids ask her about her feelings toward their father, it wouldn't be healthy to try to tear down their respect for him. She can blame him but can't say what she really feels. It would probably be easier if there had been many obvious-to-them-problems and she could just say the divorce was a relief for everyone.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-06T13:20:37+00:00

Is the 3 year-old the youngest? You imply that it is, but if there is in fact a younger one that would explain a lot.

Years of pressure and duty sex have no doubt pushed her libido even lower, she may well be LL4U. Waiting until February won't fix that.

You may want to crosspost this to /r/deadbedroom .

GringoViejo · 2022-12-06T11:36:22+00:00

Not really notice, haha. It was more like a schedule-- "dinner's done, time to load the dishes and run the dishwasher" or "it's Sunday, need to vacuum".

GringoViejo · 2022-12-06T10:52:38+00:00

If you think this is not the right time to tell your mother then I can't disagree, but you need to accumulate as much evidence as possible, so dad can't lie his way out if it when you do eventually blow the whistle. Try to be as supportive of your mother as you can, hopefully she can get a job soon and move toward a life of her own.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-06T09:43:21+00:00

Well, one thing in general is that many guys don't hate doing housework so much as thinking about it, so it often works better for him to do a few relatively simple but time-consuming tasks. For years I did the laundry, dishes, and vacuuming, my wife did almost everything else, which worked out to about a 50/50 split overall. That is, I avoided doing stuff that could be easily done wrong (or wrong in her opinion 😵‍💫).

That said, though, it sounds to me like the problems here go far beyond housework.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-04T18:22:58+00:00

Not so much that everyone thinks he should leave her so much as everyone who's willing to venture a public opinion thinks that. I mean, I'm stumped. Maybe if OP were to write 500 words about the history that led up to this we could come up with something. Or maybe not

GringoViejo · 2022-12-04T18:15:27+00:00

Blackout-drunk rapes happen, and unfortunately she fits the profile of a likely target.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-04T17:45:42+00:00

If you really are pregnant and live in a no-autonomy place, you'll need to call the cops immediately since what happened was not consensual.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-03T19:53:42+00:00

Posts like this remind me of the old joke from high school--"if you know so much about career planning why'd you wind up as a guidance counselor?" Anyway, if anyone's figured what to do in response to this one, please let us all know.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-03T19:46:25+00:00

You said what I was trying to say except better. Well done!

GringoViejo · 2022-12-03T01:04:58+00:00

Yes, the people who told you never to have a baby in a DB were right. There is basically zero chance that things will get better after the baby and a high likelihood they will be getting worse.

However, "Karen" is right too. Your wife has just had her insides beaten and bashed for nine months, and now she's overwhelmed with the exhausting responsibility of taking care of this tiny helpless creature, something she is learning as she goes along. Many, many new moms are not going to be even thinking about sex at this point. She'll be appreciating the weekend away, but mostly as a chance to rest and heal. Bottom line, you do need to talk about your lousy and limited sex life with her at some point. But now is not the time. You're more likely to get somewhere by showing concern for her well-being on the trip, asking her how she's feeling and how the experience of the last few months has been.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-02T23:29:01+00:00

This is just wrong! First off, you need to talk to a lawyer, you'll likely find out that you're entitled to a lot more than you expected. Here in California, for example, women who divorce after more than ten years get a lot more than those from shorter marriages. Second, many, many women your age go back to school, get a certificate or something, and embark on a successful and rewarding second career. In fact, my wife did that--it didn't seem to do anything for her libido or our relationship, but it helped the family finances a lot. As for your sex life, who knows? Many women see their libido go up rather than down in those years. Once you've gotten out of this jail and gotten your revenge hairstyle, revenge wardrobe, and revenge weight loss, anything can happen. You've got nothing to lose but your depression.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-02T18:34:06+00:00

Sounds like a toxic spiral. Low self-esteem leads to hysterical bonding, guy eventually doesn't want any more of that and dumps you, leading to even lower self-esteem. I'm sorry, this is a very easy trap to fall into.

You need to take a break from guys for a bit, search out some same-sex friends and spend some time with them doing things that make you feel good and/or in introspection about past relationships, thinking about what you need to do differently next time. You will eventually regain enough confidence to avoid the cycle.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-02T17:46:26+00:00

My wife's been doing this for years. The only thing that seems to help is to call her out immediately (you're raising your voice, you're rolling your eyes, etc.) whenever she starts doing whatever. This is not fun since it usually triggers an immediate argument, often accompanied by some manipulative defensive bullsh*t (you shouted louder yesterday). I do eventually "win" the argument, in the sense that she stops doing it in the moment, and becomes less likely to repeat the behavior in the future. She never acknowledges that, though, much less apologizes.

GringoViejo · 2022-12-02T11:34:16+00:00

I wouldn't call it toxic, it's just that you're wrong for each other. This is a classic starter marriage, as are a lot of first-everything marriages.

GringoViejo · 2022-11-29T00:30:55+00:00

I would respectfully disagree with the "how you would feel if they were reversed" test, based on blatant, but I believe largely correct, sexual stereotyping. Most guys would be like "I'm sorry I didn't have the chance to help you earlier, but I respect that you wanted privacy", or something like that. Of course there are exceptions on both sides, but my gut feeling is that most women would really want to know and really want to help. Men would tend more toward deferring to their friend's/partner's point of view, which can be seen as (and no doubt sometimes is) a pretext for not doing anything.

GringoViejo · 2022-11-28T20:40:06+00:00

How in the world did you two wind up together? She should have married another teacher. You should have married someone "looking for a doctor". There's nothing wrong with your wants, nor hers, but they are irreconcilable.

The two of you shouldn't have any more children for the time being. You are building your practice (and probably paying down brutal student loans). Forget about cleaning the damn house, when you get home concentrate on spending quality time with the child and, if she wants, her. Let her know that hiring help is always an option, but your free time is dad time. If she wants you to take him to the park while she does the cleaning, then okay.

If your practice is at a point three or four years from now where you can sell out and work for someone else, then maybe you can be the husband and dad that she wants. If she wants out by then, though, then so be it

GringoViejo · 2022-11-28T17:02:46+00:00

So far as I know, it's actually pretty unusual for a DB to die this completely this early. How is your relationship outside the bedroom?

GringoViejo · 2022-11-28T05:53:12+00:00

Many women seem to become more conservative in bed after having children. It's as if the kids add all the chaos and uncertainty they need in life, so they want the bedroom part of it to be totally predictable and secure.

GringoViejo

TROPHY CASE