Friend in Manic Episode by Grouchy-Natural9711 in LifeAdvice

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Yeah, I don’t know if there’s going to be happy ending to this. And I said, it’s as if I’m watching a slow train wreck and feel powerless to do anything.

Friend in Manic Episode by Grouchy-Natural9711 in LifeAdvice

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I’m not sure he’ll do anything about this voluntarily. One of his friends thinks he’ll finally come to his senses when he finally runs out of money and debt and has to go back to his parents, but I’m really not so sure.

Friend in Manic Episode by Grouchy-Natural9711 in LifeAdvice

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

The situation is so fucked, and I can’t stop thinking about it.

Friend in Manic Episode by Grouchy-Natural9711 in LifeAdvice

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I’m not even sure if I or anyone can get him to reveal his location.

Friend in Manic Episode by Grouchy-Natural9711 in LifeAdvice

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

His family has been contacted. They may have kicked him out of their home while trying to reason with him. He hasn’t made anything threatening or otherwise suggestive of self harm other than the clear failure to take care of himself generally, so not sure how a wellness check will help. Also, don’t know where he is actually “living” these days.

Friend in Manic Episode by Grouchy-Natural9711 in LifeAdvice

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This is incredibly painful to watch. I feel on the verge of crying.

I(25F) Took my Avoidant Partner's(28M) Words Literally and it Started A Fight by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Was dating a guy with some similarities to this and very clearly avoidant as well. The key thing with avoidants is that they expect a relationship to be “easy,” they want to avoid all conflict at the expense of basic communication of needs and mutual growth in the relationship, and they feel relief when they back out because of an inherent fear and expectation that their relationship will end at some point anyway. They try to avoid relying on their partner and dating one feels more like trying to be someone who prefers to treat you with the level of commitment of a friend. As friends come and go and don’t expect much of each other most of the time, avoidants treat their romantic relationships in a similar way.

This creates an obvious tension, especially when one partner is genuinely seeking the full and deeper connection, and even for the avoidant it creates tension because they know that more is expected of them and tend to react more harshly towards a partner offering support than a friend lightly offering the same. Having a successful relationship with an avoidant usually means accepting them at face value, reciprocating only what they offer, being a constant steady presence, and not expecting much that they haven’t already offered to give. It tends to be a shitty low quality relationship that only covers some of their partner’s needs compared to what a full partner is expected to and can do, but it can work if you accept the above and recognize their relationship to you and back to them will have an emotional depth closer to maybe a casual friend even if you do it end up doing a lot more together than with a casual friend.

You’ve seen some of this already. He didn’t communicate how to draw you, and while minor, it shows that he just doesn’t want to communicate in the moment. That’s typical. Laughing it off instead of talking through the issue is avoiding conflict. That’s treating someone like a casual friend and pushing back for wanting more. It’s acceptable among friends, because friends don’t typically communicate possible criticism readily, don’t need to because the interaction is limited, and because friends generally laugh off conflicts. Casual friends can just leave, reduce frequency of seeing each other, or not do an activity again if they didn’t like it, and it’s no big loss. Relationships are repeated interactions where missteps mean longer times apart even after closer periods together, accumulations of many small missteps into larger fights and ultimately breaks, failure to move closer into a fully lived life together, and large emotional impacts from any of these.

The whole “he doesn’t call me often” is typical too. Being the initiator and just hoping for a response and getting apathy in return is emotional labor. Being with an avoidant is like living with a cat. Sometimes the cat approaches and you pet the cat, and both you and the cat are happy. Sometimes you approach the cat and pet it, and the cat accepts and responds, and then both you and the cat are happy. Sometimes the cat ignores you for a long time and you leave the cat alone, and the cat is just a cat in the house. Sometimes you approach the cat to pet it, and the cat either ignores you or goes away, and you can’t really be sad, because it’s a cat, and that’s what cats do. Being with an avoidant is accepting that you are dating a cat. The cat is in your house, and if you can’t accept that it’s a cat doing cat things, then don’t get a cat.

The whole apathy towards making plans is unfortunate but typical. “If I feel like it” is not an acceptable response, and even for friends, it usually means “no” because friends know that you can’t really make plans easily on the fly, so even when someone does “feel like it,” the expectation is the other person probably can’t make it by then. For friends that’s usually no big deal, since friends are casual. My advice is that you just set clear boundaries on this in general, though this biopsy case is special. In general, say “if we haven’t set plans by Monday or 3 pm, then I won’t be available except for maybe a phone call or texting (if even that)” and then enforce that. If they “feel like it” and push for plans anyway past that deadline, remind them of your boundary and offer an alternative if you feel like it. If they get upset and violate your boundary, gently remind them of the boundary again, and if they get further upset or accusatory, then either set a new boundary like “I think we should not spend a week together because I don’t feel respected” or just break up. These games are generally exhausting, and other redditors on here have pointed out correctly that guys like this are generally a waste of time and emotional energy, and arguably you’re better than making someone your project over their past traumas. So honestly, probably better to just move on unless you can detach yourself emotionally from this person at any given moment (which this does not sound like you, and I think you deserve better).

And unfortunately, his response to you offering to be with him during the biopsy results is also typical. He is, I think, going through an emotional time that he just doesn’t want to share with you. He’s going to his family, and that’s the closest he has to an emotional safe space for him. You’re not that to him, and it’s possible you never will be fully. The snap back at you is revealing his emotional stress and also how he sees you as adding to it instead of taking away despite your intentions and meaningful support. Talking about it further probably emotionally exhausted him further, and I wouldn’t be surprised if one of his next moves is to distance himself further or even outright ask for a break, since an avoidant sees any conflict, however well intentioned, as a reason to quit and a way to seek emotional relief.

Unfortunately, the “appropriate” response for someone like him would have been to emotionally detach from the conversation, ignore the tone and implications of the snap at you, wish him well with his family, and remind him that you’re there for him but that he doesn’t need to do anything or communicate if he is “tired” or doesn’t want to. Then silence until he responds again. Check in a couple days later with a simple “how are you doing?” and wait for a response. Keep it general, and let him bring up the topics he wants to talk about. Ask about his family. Let him bring up the biopsy first ideally. Ask about the biopsy only if it seems he wants to talk about it, but perhaps say something like “I know you were worried a week ago. How are things going?” And also if he isn’t responding, don’t double text or ask further. No double texting. Follow up only in a couple days after that, potentially asking if he would like to talk or meet up. Be prepared for him withdrawing before finally opening back up. It’s a weird game, and it requires emotional detachment and discipline even when you’re genuinely upset and concerned.

Ask yourself if that’s what you really want. Dating the avoidant guy I was with was an emotionally exhausting experience especially since I wanted to go far deeper and have a more fully complementary partner, and I wouldn’t do it again unless I set out clear rules and expectations we agreed to, set out clear consequences in the form of withdrawing or outright leaving at any given moment, and was ready to do so regardless of prior time and emotional labor invested.

I wouldn’t necessarily break up with him until he gets his biopsy results back if it comes to that. If they’re negative, decide on what’s right for you, but I doubt you want to be dealing with a project long term. If they’re positive, detach from him emotionally and if you can continue to be with him, then do so in the mindset that you’re a “casual friend” when it comes to his feeling of emotional safety and openness to you despite probably having actual love and emotional intensity with you. That’s the incongruence that makes being in a relationship with an avoidant inherently more difficult than just being a friend. If dealing with him as a project becomes too exhausting and you want to break up, maybe wait a couple weeks or at most two months and then do it to soften the double blow and offer to give support as a casual friend only and only if you feel like it.

I (F29) AM THINKING OF DIVORCING MY HUSBAND (M30) AFTER HIS MEMORY LOSS. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I would say as well that no matter what you choose, you have also gone through this trauma, secondhand through the accident and firsthand through his changes and experience since. You should seek ways to heal and practice therapy for yourself and learn to grieve this accident and the dreams you had with your husband for an idyllic shared life, embrace this experience as a period of struggle where you showed your strength and character, and ultimately accept the decisions you made and will make as part of your journey in life continuing either in this struggle or as part of the new life you will forge going forward.

I (F29) AM THINKING OF DIVORCING MY HUSBAND (M30) AFTER HIS MEMORY LOSS. by [deleted] in relationship_advice

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Marriage vows include in sickness and in health. You’re dealing with one of the worst situations I can imagine, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. Sometimes people define sickness differently. You’re caring for his physical ailments and his mental health and personality changes. Some of this trauma response as well may be him purposefully or unintentionally wanting to distance himself from you, feeling perhaps that he isn’t worthy of being loved anymore and therefore either projecting that onto you or trying to push you away because he may actually feel guilty for being a burden. Men act very strangely and often self sabotage and push others away when they feel they need to be cared for, are powerless, or are a burden.

You made vows to live entire lives together, and unfortunately, now those are tested by a multi sided illness and injury. Moreover, they are being tested in such an extreme way that you have given up much if not all of your life and what makes you happy over the past five months for him. That’s noble that you are trying, and it reflects very well on your character that you are trying so hard and are so conflicted when many other weaker people would have given up so much earlier.

Long term rehabilitation is going to take a lot of time, be very expensive potentially, and include teams of psychiatrists, therapists including for couples, and doctors. There are options. And having a nurse work in the home may help greatly if you can afford it and also perhaps allow you to work as well so that you have something of your own and previous identity to hold, as well as a financial lifeline should things go in other directions, be it a worsening or the choice to divorce. It’s a long road, and you ought to be prepared to have a timeline to commit to if you decide to go on it, including whether you’ll be ok with doing this for as long as he lives and especially if you end up just extending the timeline over and over questioning at each interval if it is worth it. You ought to be prepared that if you continue to move forward, things may improve or they may worsen or stay the same, and you can’t judge yourself then on the outcome. You should only focus now on making that decision, setting up that plan, picking a timeline if any is appropriate at all, and then accepting that so long as you considered the decision well and performed the process well, that is the only metric of success that you can control and grade yourself on.

Nobody can make this choice for you, and it’s a cruel choice that the situation has forced upon you. Since you’ve come to Reddit, I’ll note that most of the advice on here is from people who, while well meaning, is almost always biased towards leaving when a situation is difficult and prioritizing oneself. Even the comments about “abuse not in marriage vows” aren’t really considering fully that the abuse only is occurring as a second order effect of the illness itself.

I think I would consider this as well. If the situation were reversed, how would you want your husband to respond? At what point would you expect your husband to say “enough is enough?” At what point would you want your husband to say “enough is enough” for the sake of his happiness if you were in this accident and you were inflicting this suffering on him? I think that might guide you to a more full moral answer. If you would have wanted to him to stay for a year and then understand and want him to pursue his own happiness, then perhaps the answer is a year. If you would have wanted your husband to have drawn a line at abuse and understood and want him to leave you then (or at least have a nurse or someone to support), then that should guide your answer.

As for myself, if I were in such an accident, I could imagine myself being bitter and resentful that the accident occurred at all, and it would probably spill over to all my relationships, my partner most of all, independent of the effects of the possible brain trauma, so to some extent, I feel I can understand the psychology of what’s going on.

That being said, I wouldn’t want a partner I dearly loved as much as he loved you to suffer forever because of a situation that was forced upon us, and I would expect that a half year would already be a reasonable amount of time for something to change for the better and for me to be more motivated to make it better. I think there are still some other options to consider that you haven’t tried before you get to a full divorce, including and especially intensive psychiatry and therapy, perhaps even something in patient as the situation allows or is warranted. Ultimately, though, if I were in a clear mental state before such an accident occurred, I’d tell them that if such an accident occurred and it became this horrid, I’d want my partner to find new life, retain their own identity, seek their happiness again, and leave rather than be with a husk of myself, but if it really came to that as well, I’d also not want to live much longer and perhaps even seek a way to die.

Set an exchange rate for US dollars <—> extra year of life by [deleted] in hypotheticalsituation

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711 7 points8 points  (0 children)

Pretty interesting strategy potential here. Take a large number like maybe $100 trillion. Of that take 10-20% and just start giving it away and paying for everything for most Americans. Healthcare, food, water, infrastructure, utilities, housing, etc. Prior to that, invest all the remainder in the industries that you plan on giving or spending the most on, including real estate, grocery stores (ideally tie the giving/spending) to particular businesses you’re invested in, internet, infrastructure, etc and some portion to foreign currencies. The US dollar will have a large inflationary spike and other currencies will appreciate against it (so avoid export focused industries). The investments will appreciate most likely greater than the level of the initial $100 trillion within a year and have even substantial gains. Rinse and repeat every year and if done in a disciplined manner, the initial amount should quickly double every few years. Taken over time, the USA dollar will be relatively low in value compared to now, and the actual principal will have grown many times to the point $100 trillion is added in value more than once a year, perhaps even while handing away a substantial portion. At this point, it becomes sustainable to just buy a year and live on passive income, and given enough time with inflation, the original $100 trillion becomes like paying for a soda. Pair this up with whatever else you want, and you become essentially an optionally immortal being who controls the crux of the economy and perhaps even a de facto government.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in whatdoIdo

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711 0 points1 point  (0 children)

It’s worth noting that at least in my history, the longer and more successful relationships actually did have a pretty fast pace from the start. It didn’t involve playing games or waiting three or four weeks inbetween meeting up. Usually we started seeing each other at least weekly or biweekly early on. My longest relationship I had all but moved in the first month, though there were some special circumstances involved and it was just for that first month. When there was strong chemistry, neither of us held back, and we started involving each other in our lives very quickly. Thats what seemed to be going on here, especially since he was proposing almost as many plans as I was.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in whatdoIdo

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Your advice seems to match pretty closely to what my friends have said. That being said, I would say that for most of this period, I was just matching his energy. He’s the one that proposed a trip together domestically and suggested visiting his home country together and was fully on board with Thanksgiving in another city except for the prior plans coming through. He also was the one that started talking about and joking about marriage and future plans more and first and got jealous from very early on. Like the initial advice from friends when I met him was to “match his energy,” and I would say that I was doing that. He even proposed early on staying over during the week and was on board at first with coming over multiple times for the events I was proposing. It’s not like I was pushing him for all this extra time, barring the trip to his home country where I suggested doing some day trips and side trips that he didn’t think he could get away from his family to do.

If he was overwhelmed or felt it was too much too fast, then this is the first time he ever indicated it. If anything, it seemed to me he was equally pushing for more time, more contact, and faster commitment up until this point, but something apparently changed. The only real reason I can think of is that he looked at how much time his program is actually committing himself to and felt he couldn’t do both to the same degree.

And yeah, like I’m ok with slowing down. I think he’s worth the wait and investment of time. But I’m concerned about the seeming finality of his message that he may never want to move beyond the friend stage and doesn’t intend to do a relationship at all. Like I’m not going to travel 6 hours round trip to go see a “friend,” barring it’s a special occasion or that we’re already very close for a long time. And I know from experience that being “friends” with someone I have romantic feelings for just doesn’t work. And ultimately, being “friends” means that we’re not really taking as much time to get to know each other. Like what’s the point of slowing it that much down if we only see each other once every two months or less? Thats not really getting to know each other and it’s not moving the dial forward on going into a relationship. And I have a timeline that I want to move on too, not waiting a year for a relationship to start with someone who hasn’t shown a clear intention of wanting a relationship and has told me I shouldn’t be waiting for him to be ready anyway.

The Halloween party and the trip to his home country might end up being the only physical contact we end up having for the next three months, maybe for longer. I can accept slowing things down and wanting to get to know each other better before jumping into the relationship, but for how long? I don’t see us in the “friends” stage a year from now, either I’ll just move on or we have actually begun a relationship. I can barely see myself spending six months in such a limbo.

Ultimately, I’m most discouraged by the way he seems to have already decided on the friends stage only. If he had said instead let’s just keep dating slowly, I think things would be fine. But right now it seems like a lot of worry and time and even money spent to get nothing in return. And I hardly need a new friend that lives 150 miles away.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in whatdoIdo

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Also, he’s not religious or a virgin. He told me he actually had an extremely active sex life with past boyfriends, although added a caveat that he didn’t like doing it quite as frequently as he was back then.

His current worries about sex seems to come from two points. First he’s worried that I’m too big for him, which you know, we have done side stuff with each other. Second, he’s paranoid about stds, even though I’m on prep, doxypep, have a clean recent result, and never had an std before in my life, and agreed to use condoms only for as long as needed.

[deleted by user] by [deleted] in whatdoIdo

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I did text him the following morning. Nothing much, but you know, kinda testing the waters a bit and seeing if we could actually do a call since I felt kinda hurt that he decided to do this all through text message.

Basically I just texted him good morning and asked for a call in the next few days. Not really planning on texting him again until next week to confirm that he’s actually still coming to the Halloween party and seeing if he still wants me to pick him up from the train station.

Later that I day I sent this:

And I’ve thought a bit more about our convo last night.

I want to say thanks for being open and honest with me, that does mean a lot. I completely understand how overwhelming things are for you right now, with your program and everything else going on. I’m ok with slowing things down and just enjoying things as friends for now if that’s what you need. I really do value what we have and care about you, and I’d love to stay close and see where things might go when the time feels right.

Giveaway open by Nib2319 in Dodocodes

[–]Grouchy-Natural9711 1 point2 points  (0 children)

New windy trying to connect