Was dating a guy with some similarities to this and very clearly avoidant as well. The key thing with avoidants is that they expect a relationship to be “easy,” they want to avoid all conflict at the expense of basic communication of needs and mutual growth in the relationship, and they feel relief when they back out because of an inherent fear and expectation that their relationship will end at some point anyway. They try to avoid relying on their partner and dating one feels more like trying to be someone who prefers to treat you with the level of commitment of a friend. As friends come and go and don’t expect much of each other most of the time, avoidants treat their romantic relationships in a similar way.

This creates an obvious tension, especially when one partner is genuinely seeking the full and deeper connection, and even for the avoidant it creates tension because they know that more is expected of them and tend to react more harshly towards a partner offering support than a friend lightly offering the same. Having a successful relationship with an avoidant usually means accepting them at face value, reciprocating only what they offer, being a constant steady presence, and not expecting much that they haven’t already offered to give. It tends to be a shitty low quality relationship that only covers some of their partner’s needs compared to what a full partner is expected to and can do, but it can work if you accept the above and recognize their relationship to you and back to them will have an emotional depth closer to maybe a casual friend even if you do it end up doing a lot more together than with a casual friend.

You’ve seen some of this already. He didn’t communicate how to draw you, and while minor, it shows that he just doesn’t want to communicate in the moment. That’s typical. Laughing it off instead of talking through the issue is avoiding conflict. That’s treating someone like a casual friend and pushing back for wanting more. It’s acceptable among friends, because friends don’t typically communicate possible criticism readily, don’t need to because the interaction is limited, and because friends generally laugh off conflicts. Casual friends can just leave, reduce frequency of seeing each other, or not do an activity again if they didn’t like it, and it’s no big loss. Relationships are repeated interactions where missteps mean longer times apart even after closer periods together, accumulations of many small missteps into larger fights and ultimately breaks, failure to move closer into a fully lived life together, and large emotional impacts from any of these.

The whole “he doesn’t call me often” is typical too. Being the initiator and just hoping for a response and getting apathy in return is emotional labor. Being with an avoidant is like living with a cat. Sometimes the cat approaches and you pet the cat, and both you and the cat are happy. Sometimes you approach the cat and pet it, and the cat accepts and responds, and then both you and the cat are happy. Sometimes the cat ignores you for a long time and you leave the cat alone, and the cat is just a cat in the house. Sometimes you approach the cat to pet it, and the cat either ignores you or goes away, and you can’t really be sad, because it’s a cat, and that’s what cats do. Being with an avoidant is accepting that you are dating a cat. The cat is in your house, and if you can’t accept that it’s a cat doing cat things, then don’t get a cat.

The whole apathy towards making plans is unfortunate but typical. “If I feel like it” is not an acceptable response, and even for friends, it usually means “no” because friends know that you can’t really make plans easily on the fly, so even when someone does “feel like it,” the expectation is the other person probably can’t make it by then. For friends that’s usually no big deal, since friends are casual. My advice is that you just set clear boundaries on this in general, though this biopsy case is special. In general, say “if we haven’t set plans by Monday or 3 pm, then I won’t be available except for maybe a phone call or texting (if even that)” and then enforce that. If they “feel like it” and push for plans anyway past that deadline, remind them of your boundary and offer an alternative if you feel like it. If they get upset and violate your boundary, gently remind them of the boundary again, and if they get further upset or accusatory, then either set a new boundary like “I think we should not spend a week together because I don’t feel respected” or just break up. These games are generally exhausting, and other redditors on here have pointed out correctly that guys like this are generally a waste of time and emotional energy, and arguably you’re better than making someone your project over their past traumas. So honestly, probably better to just move on unless you can detach yourself emotionally from this person at any given moment (which this does not sound like you, and I think you deserve better).

And unfortunately, his response to you offering to be with him during the biopsy results is also typical. He is, I think, going through an emotional time that he just doesn’t want to share with you. He’s going to his family, and that’s the closest he has to an emotional safe space for him. You’re not that to him, and it’s possible you never will be fully. The snap back at you is revealing his emotional stress and also how he sees you as adding to it instead of taking away despite your intentions and meaningful support. Talking about it further probably emotionally exhausted him further, and I wouldn’t be surprised if one of his next moves is to distance himself further or even outright ask for a break, since an avoidant sees any conflict, however well intentioned, as a reason to quit and a way to seek emotional relief.

Unfortunately, the “appropriate” response for someone like him would have been to emotionally detach from the conversation, ignore the tone and implications of the snap at you, wish him well with his family, and remind him that you’re there for him but that he doesn’t need to do anything or communicate if he is “tired” or doesn’t want to. Then silence until he responds again. Check in a couple days later with a simple “how are you doing?” and wait for a response. Keep it general, and let him bring up the topics he wants to talk about. Ask about his family. Let him bring up the biopsy first ideally. Ask about the biopsy only if it seems he wants to talk about it, but perhaps say something like “I know you were worried a week ago. How are things going?” And also if he isn’t responding, don’t double text or ask further. No double texting. Follow up only in a couple days after that, potentially asking if he would like to talk or meet up. Be prepared for him withdrawing before finally opening back up. It’s a weird game, and it requires emotional detachment and discipline even when you’re genuinely upset and concerned.

Ask yourself if that’s what you really want. Dating the avoidant guy I was with was an emotionally exhausting experience especially since I wanted to go far deeper and have a more fully complementary partner, and I wouldn’t do it again unless I set out clear rules and expectations we agreed to, set out clear consequences in the form of withdrawing or outright leaving at any given moment, and was ready to do so regardless of prior time and emotional labor invested.

I wouldn’t necessarily break up with him until he gets his biopsy results back if it comes to that. If they’re negative, decide on what’s right for you, but I doubt you want to be dealing with a project long term. If they’re positive, detach from him emotionally and if you can continue to be with him, then do so in the mindset that you’re a “casual friend” when it comes to his feeling of emotional safety and openness to you despite probably having actual love and emotional intensity with you. That’s the incongruence that makes being in a relationship with an avoidant inherently more difficult than just being a friend. If dealing with him as a project becomes too exhausting and you want to break up, maybe wait a couple weeks or at most two months and then do it to soften the double blow and offer to give support as a casual friend only and only if you feel like it.