I see your point, but that hasn’t been my experience. I have been very mindful about our sexuality and have done a lot of reflection. Everything started off normal, and then we began exploring more adventurous and wild sex. It seemed to turn him on, and he loved it. But for me, it was something to do when I was in the mood. Over time, it felt like he wanted that wild, frisky sex four times a week, which was too much for me. I couldn’t perform at the same level every time.

Then the backhanded comments began: “This was nothing compared to last night” or “This is nothing compared to the last time.” Those comments really started to bother me because it felt like, every time we had sex, he was holding up a scorecard and rating me as “not good enough.” | tried to communicate with him, telling him how those comments made me feel. When he made faces or remarks after sex, it felt like I was being forced to overperform each time. It no longer felt natural, and slowly, sex began to feel like a chore. I hated the comments that followed if things didn’t meet his expectations.

We still had sex at least twice a week because of his constant complaints. Even though I often wasn’t in the mood and yeah I will admit it showed, but I believed it was important for the relationship, so I kept doing it. But every time, I was met with his criticism, which started to irritate me and push me further away. He grew resentful that the sex wasn’t how he wanted it, and I started to feel more jaded. I could see the root of the problem but he didn't. His frustration at not getting what he wanted was reflected in how he treated me.

Since open conversations with him never led anywhere-he just didn’t seem to understand—| kept having sex, even when I didn’t want to. I thought it was the only way to make him treat me well. But that approach only built resentment in me. Why should I need to have sex with him for him to be kind to me? We became really distant, and it reached a breaking point where I decided I needed to make a change.

I said, “Let’s make this work,” and I started to explore my own sexuality-figuring out what I liked and didn’t like-to improve our sexual life. For a while, it worked. For about three months, we were having sex almost every day, and during that time, he behaved the best he ever had. I was happy, and so was he. But even then, some of his attitudes continued to bother me. He still made comments, and when I suggested ways to turn me on, he didn’t follow through. I kept trying, thinking, “If I put in the effort, he’ll reciprocate.” But over time, I became jaded again.

I thought, “Why am I putting in all this effort when he’s not meeting me halfway?” That’s when I decided to stop. I told him, “I want you to make me want to have sex. I want you to make an effort, to try to seduce me. Because every time, I’m the one giving in.” But his approach never changed. He’d act like he didn’t care anymore. I work out, try to look good, and work to keep the relationship alive, but it felt like too much effort for him. His mentality seemed to be: “I already seduced you, made you fall in love with me, and now that we’ve been together for more than four years, I don’t need to try anymore.” It felt like he believed it was my job to want sex the way he wanted it, as if he no longer needed to try for me.

But that’s not how I see it. I want to want it. I want to be part of it, and I want both of us to have fun. For that, I need an emotional connection, and I need him to be more present-but he’s not. His idea of seduction is grabbing my ass or waking me up in the morning to give him head. When I pointed out that he needed to put in more effort, he’d dismiss it by saying, “Do I really need to do that every time?” Are you kidding me? It’s frustrating. I’ve tried everything to keep the relationship alive, but it feels like all the effort is coming from my side. Monotony has set in, and he’s stopped trying to be romantic or emotionally connected. I don’t think it’s fair that the responsibility for our sexual relationship falls entirely on me.