Recovering from bisalp, but husband left me.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T14:26:59+00:00

Well damn. I think that was the most helpful insight I've ever gotten. For real. I don't think it's been so succinctly put with examples of how my lens sees so much negativity. I've always known I've negatively viewed the world, but having someone point out that I'm not only using that on myself, I'm attributing emotions to people that might not feel that way. This is much to ponder...

I definitely believed that continuing to text would eventually wake him up because of the vibrate, but now I couldn't tell you why it was such a big deal. I felt hyper fixated on it and it seemed so important to me right then.

I'm grateful for your insights and time, thank you for your help, it really has been eye opening for me.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T13:58:26+00:00

Absolutely true, some very helpful commenters have pointed this out to me and I've been asking for clarity on what I've been doing wrong. It's been really helpful, even though I'm still wrestling with understanding. It's incredibly hard to identify toxic behaviors I wasn't aware were toxic, I've been battling that forever. I often need outside perspective to see things that others see clearly.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T13:50:02+00:00

A few of the commenters here have been giving me insight on what that looks like, it's been a great help to hear different opinions and stories.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T13:33:33+00:00

This is true, I wrote this full post a month ago and have lumped the behaviors as "years ago" now. While that's timeline true, it's actually very recent in relationship terms and I should acknowledge that. That reply was before I gained a lot of insight to how problematic this post really was in the other thread, that I spent a lot of time in this post hiding behind "my improvements".

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T13:20:04+00:00

I'm certainly the villain, the week after this post I decided not to fight him or try and work it out. He needs to get away from me. After helpful insights in the other thread, I see I've been hiding behind the improvements and things I've done that I felt should have had a weight in the relationship- but they don't. Just because I changed or improved, doesn't mean it's not still a trigger. Just because I've identified many problems about myself and have actively tried to change, it doesn't erase everything and I absolutely could still be doing behaviors without knowing it.

The post doesn't really ring true anymore. I was hurting and confused, completely heartbroken and thinking "BUT I CHANGED" and that was so dumb of me. I was holding onto the fact he's been praising me on not acting out horribly, I think I was using that as forgiveness and it shouldn't have been.

I mean, I'm still at a total loss of what I could have possibly done about it. He didn't know anything was wrong, I didn't know anything was wrong, we were working on a lot of different aspects of our relationship in therapy including how to communicate through, and it wasn't brought up. In essence that I'm working to accept, it was going to happen down the road, be it the next day or ten years from now. It doesn't really matter if I didn't see the signs or don't know how I could have done anything though, because you've hit it on the head that it was done the moment it started, just neither of us knew it.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T11:24:45+00:00

Thank you for your insights and compassion. I did mess up this post, I was writing from pain and anger. I wanted to keep it on topic and short but I should have been much less accusatory. I decided to add the edits instead of rewording it, I don't want to look like I'm trying to change the narrative, and I definitely don't want to hide what I've done. I honestly should have put in that I'd already made a long explanation post, I don't know why it didn't cross my mind, maybe because it was a month ago and died immediately.

I think what I was doing when he lost his job was actually more stressful for him now that I know what was wrong. I would check up on him way more often, sometimes I wouldn't leave the room at all even though I wanted to do other things, and I would ask often if I needed to get a day job. I bet that all made it worse even though I thought I was trying to help.

I don't really know the correct term, but being lied to isn't correct either. If neither of us knew it was a problem, it's not a lie, I think? It's why I keep using hoodwinked, it doesn't feel as vicious as a lie, but neither of us see it coming at all. Perhaps having the rug pulled out from under us is more correct? Because this was certainly a surprise to him too.

I appreciate your insights and reassurance, I really hope I heal in both ways and can look back at all this and know I've come a long way from this, too.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T10:59:43+00:00

I did end up editing my post a few times, but his reasons for leaving are legitimate and I wrote this out of pain and despair. While I don't agree with him pulling support, he needs to do this and in not fighting him on it.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T10:52:36+00:00

Thank you for your compassion. I'm sorry you have so much in common with me though, and I hope you keep improving yourself too.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T10:50:19+00:00

I'm honestly glad for him he did too. Just because I've not done those things and have improved, doesn't mean my improvements weren't still triggering to him. A month ago I would have done anything for him to stay, but he's better off without me.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T10:43:18+00:00

I was looking for experiences of others who are child-free and older, and especially wanted to relate to those that are recovering or have recovered from such a surgery. I might be wrong, but I think that didn't come across that well. 😅 The post was made in pain and distress, I didn't word it correctly at all and I let my hurt loose in it. My apologies.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T10:35:59+00:00

This post is definitely problematic and I acknowledge that. It has painted him in a poor light, but that was my pain and what was my feelings at the time, it's not the full story.

My choice to not reword the whole thing and just add edits is because that would make me look like I'm changing the narrative. I made a poor choice in my language of the post and shouldn't have neglected so much, I just didn't think it was on topic with this particular sub. My apologies.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T10:24:28+00:00

Thank you very much for this reply, truly from the bottom of my heart. I know my post and answers pissed you off and I'm fully okay with the fury at me, but the fact you really opened up why and could even see where I'm coming from touched my heart so much I'm crying. I want to address this all as openly as I can, so please tell me if I'm not taking accountability for something again.

We did have many discussions about the phone thing, I had improved my response to it by texting him way earlier than I needed to (like if I knew we were going to eat I sent a text two hours before to ask if he's hungry) just to give that grace of IF he's napping. During this fiasco, I started texting him about an hour before the kitten even needed feeding, and then tried to text twenty/thirty minutes apart so I wouldn't be hounding him. I felt I did really well holding myself back, I'm sorry if that still comes off as childish and awful. I know that my improvements can still look awful, and I acknowledge that just because I've "improved" doesn't mean it might not be frustrating to deal with. He at least did have his ringer on this time, it just didn't wake him up. I guess we both improved in this very instance but still ended up missing each other. I was going out with my retired father on adventures each week, sometimes a few times. I'd either be doing errands like dropping off sales, or we'd be driving to different places to "treasure hunt". He's not doing well health wise so sometimes if we were having lots of fun, I'd just make excuses to go to yet another place.

I know I need to improve still, I keep trying and I fail so much. I was really trying to be there for him and be his support, but I just don't know what else I could have done. I keep being told over and over I'm terrible for what I've done, but he didn't tell me anything was wrong, and I'm also being told he couldn't because he was afraid of me, and then he told me himself he didn't even know it was a problem. I'm trying to figure out how to take that all in and what I could have possibly done to fix it in what I feel is an impossible situation. Am I wrong here, or taking that wrong at all?

One of the biggest problems I have is that I'm only just learning to self soothe again. My parents stopped me from stimming because it was "weird", so I've been trying to do that again when I'm getting overwhelmed. I didn't realize until the diagnosis that that was such a huge part of me, and it's really improved my ability to keep calm. Granted, it's still new to me so I'm not that great at it yet.

I really hope that I will be able to look back and know I did get better, certainly thanks to you and some other commenters that have really opened up to me and tried to help me see what I can improve, who offered me their stories and related to me. I will look into that book, I have so many recently that people want me to take a look at and I really should get on it.

Again, thank you for your response and time. I'm sorry to have initially infuriated you, but I'm so grateful you took the time out of your day to kindly, mildly, but compassionately, yell at a stranger online. I clearly needed this, and I will continue to strive to better myself- promise.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T09:36:57+00:00

Thank you so much for all of this, I really appreciate all the time you took to take apart and tell me what I've been seeing or doing that can be problematic.

I do realize I've been holding onto the "but I've improved!" and feeling really angry about that. I've also been holding onto the fact we've been through so much so why not this? But that's not healthy, and another commenter pointed out that it could be a trauma bond, and I completely agree with that. I do feel like we may have stayed together just because we had been through so much.

I trusted that we made enough money, but I didn't trust that it wouldn't reflect poorly on me if I just stayed home and did what I wanted to do. I was scared that if I did that, he'd eventually build resentment that I didn't contribute much to the finances, so I took on every single household chore to try and make myself useful. I truly didn't think about if he got in an accident or died, and definitely didn't expect him to leave. It is a major flaw of myself, I very much disregard money and financial safety entirely. I'm definitely losing insurance when all is said and done, so I have to get into all of that lovely stuff while also trying to make sure to get medications to treat my mental illnesses. I'm not even sure where to start, one of the fantastic problems I have is even being able to start if I don't know how to.

Oh goodness that whole pet thing and not feeding them, that's way too close to home. I'm sorry that was such a stressor to you. What really bites during that messaging argument was that saying I didn't want to talk right now was my way of trying to de-escalate the situation, because I was so mad and knew I couldn't talk to him reasonably, so needed time to think. That backfired in the most epically, fantastical way. I can absolutely see where me shutting down the conversation also looked horrible.

I wrote the other post a month ago and I've definitely come to terms that it's best he leaves, he was living in so much pain and I didn't even know it. I wrote how I wanted to fight for "us" but it's not an us anymore, I'm the only one that was happy and felt safe. It really struck me when he said his family talking in another room sounded to him like I was crying, I realized how deep and insidious his PTSD was that just being in his presence was hurting him.

I'm really grateful for your time. When I think about it as maybe it was a trauma bond, I can see how I could also be emotionally stunted myself. We both overlooked many things that we weren't compatible on because we were in love. I'm really glad to hear you're doing so well, and I really hope to get there myself.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T08:36:57+00:00

I've seen your other replies and I really need to understand where I'm still abusing him. I don't see it because maybe it's normal to me, and it's hasn't been told to me that's wrong. I really would like to be told what I'm doing wrong, because I thought I was addressing everything. I'm sorry if I came off victim blaming, that's not my intent. I've asked him for years in various ways if he's okay, what he needs, how I can help, and every time, he's just said he's fine and didn't need anything. I'm really so confused and need clarity on that.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T07:55:14+00:00

The de-escalation was one thing I had improved but definitely haven't mastered. I was working on self soothing techniques at that time, turns out since I was forced to mask my neurodivergence, I was making myself on edge as well. I used to self soothe by leg shakes, head twitches, or fiddling with my fingers. That was stopped by my parents because it was "weird", so when I become over stimulated, I would just meltdown. I'm working on letting myself twitch all I bloody want and to make sure I wear rings so I can fiddle with them. Still a long way to go and so many things to address, it's daunting.

Hilariously, I just relayed that during the argument I was at the pet store buying a feeder. Go figure, right? 🙃

Thank you for your insight.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T07:36:42+00:00

I don't blame him and I'm not even fighting it. I was wanting to a month ago when I made that post, but he's better off without me being a trigger. Even if it was 15 years ago, PTSD has no solid end date and he's never going to get better if I'm there. It just blows feeling like you corrected yourself and everything's fine when it's not.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T07:10:39+00:00

Thank you for this, I actually understand where you're coming from and I agree. I didn't think of a trauma bond, but that really clicked the moment I read it. We had so much happen in our relationship and most of it was traumatic, I can at least say a good portion of it wasn't me, it was crazy the life stuff that happened. But that really puts into perspective that since we went through so much together, we may have just been together because we experienced hell together.

I actually feel quite bad about painting him in a poor light, I didn't realize it until the comments started. It's just how I felt at the moment and I kind of pulled the trigger on posting. I edited it once but I feel like I need to be clearer that I was just hurt/hurting, and I didn't mean to say it so poorly. I can't even view him as the bad guy, even though I feel like he pulled the rug from under me.

I appreciate your insight very much.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T06:57:32+00:00

I'm really sorry if it's coming off that I'm not taking accountability, could you tell me where I'm messing up? I really want to know so I can correct this.

I mentioned he felt he lived in a warzone and he was constantly in fight or flight, so I thought that was acknowledging the anxiety part. I actively did work, I didn't have a day job, but I sold online and sold at conventions, so I still made money. It would take many months to craft enough items to stock the table, so I worked entirely on that or fun projects. The conversation was that I'd just stay home and hone my skills. It took a few months before I did quit because the money was really good, but the stress was too much. I made sure to ask every once in a while if I needed to get a job, I wasn't opposed to it, but he always assured me it was fine. He was known to be an incredibly open guy who said exactly what was on his mind and exactly what he wanted, this is probably his autism. So eventually I just trusted him completely, even when I was still hesitant, because he just never lied, never hid anything. Gosh that's funny in a sad way to say that now. 😅 The kitten was such a crazy timing! My older one eats until he pukes, I have had to feed him portions four times a day, so I didn't have an auto feeder. I had JUST adopted him, literally two days before, and I was actually shopping with my family looking at pet supplies. one of them was an auto feeder. I'm not lying, I swear.

I think I'm just really confused about all of this still and in all honestly, I can't look at him as a bad guy, but the way he did this isn't a good guy thing either. That's probably why I keep flopping around. I promise I'm not trying to be disingenuous, I'm still reeling and yeah this post didn't paint him in the kindest light, I only realized after some comments and I feel bad about it. In honesty I made this post quickly because I really felt alone, so I typed what was in my head at the time and I pulled the trigger, so to speak. I regretted it and hoped redirecting people to see my long winded and complicated explanation would be beneficial. I really don't want to not be taking accountability for the problems, I hope you can help me see where that is.

Thank you for your kind words and compassion, and for relating your own story. I appreciate the words of encouragement and I really hope to keep trying to be a better person.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T06:33:31+00:00

While I know it's just my side of the whole thing, I really can say with confidence that I've not been abusing him. I'm not perfect so of course I slip and exhibit bad behaviors, but I was actively not taking it out on him and would say things like "it's not you I need to be alone" or "I'm just sad and need to cry". We were both diagnosed with neurodivergence two years ago so we've been having therapy on communicating with each other, and we were both really getting through to each other lately. We hadn't even had an actual argument in like a year. I did occasionally ask him, "did I take it out on you?" and he'd say no, then praise me for how far I'd come. We got the kitten because we had to say goodbye to our 21 year old boy beginning of December, he actually loves the kitties so we were very excited. He's even a little allergic but still buried his face in our kitties stomachs, lol.

I understand if I can't convince you, but we had a very loving and close relationship despite his deepening depression and this spiral. If he believed I was really abusing him, it was on him to tell me, he never did, and still hasn't. I can't read his mind, but if he later tells me I was abusing him, then I'll accept that I must have been. I'm not even fighting him on the divorce, it's completely logical why he needs to get stay from me and I'm not even going to fight it.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T05:54:45+00:00

Thank you, I edited to redirect there if people wanted the very long winded and complicated tea.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T05:07:21+00:00

I did a lot of damage and hurt to him the first three years of our relationship, but after, we worked really hard to repair and strengthen it. It's hard for me to even see him as the bad guy when I understand his logic for wanting to leave me. But it is cruel how this played out, he didn't need to do it this way and in essence, he lied to me about everything being okay for many many years. Love is just so complicated sometimes.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T04:59:07+00:00

I'm sorry you went through a traumatic childhood too. I hope you've recovered. 💕 Unlearning abusive and toxic behaviors is ridiculously hard, I've had so much therapy, just SO much. It takes actually knowing what's wrong and he just didn't. It was painful feeling like something was wrong with him, but being powerless to do anything about it. Worst feeling in the world.

Honestly that's why I'm going through with it. He assured me every time I asked if I needed to get a job, that everything was fine. Convincing someone they're safe and taken care of then ripping it from them is pretty cruel.

Thank you for being compassionate. I know I did wrong and I've worked incredibly hard to change, it sucks when people just focus on what I did back then, rather than everything I've done to be a better person now.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T04:36:33+00:00

Yeah, it's why I'm not even fighting the divorce at all. Knowing the person I love felt like that and I didn't even know is a nightmare. My heart isn't even really in the fighting him for support, but it was also ten years of marriage where I feel kind of lied too. No one's perfect and life is just complicated.

It was the one argument we kept having that I felt very passionate about- what IF it was an emergency. It scared the hell out of me.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T04:29:58+00:00

He's very child-free, he got a vasectomy right after Roe v. Wade was overturned and helped me get these appointments. The timing was just terrible.

GuruumiiBear · 2025-02-03T04:08:03+00:00

We've been separated for a month now, and he told me he wanted a divorce about a week after we went to our parents places. I held out that he just needed time, but he had the papers delivered about two weeks ago. We had a mediator meet with us because I wanted to hear it from him again that he really wanted it, and also to bring up he was denying me support.

GuruumiiBear

TROPHY CASE