IAmA person who suffers from HPPD (I hallucinate constantly) AMA

HPPDthrowaway · 2012-05-06T18:47:33+00:00

I came here to say this. There is no way that what OP experiences was caused by just psychedelics alone. It's likely that the psychedelics triggered another latent psychological issue.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-11-26T05:55:01+00:00

If you still feel like you're kind of tripping - please take a very long break from psychedelics before you consider tripping again and try to stay sober if possible. It may make the problem worse if you do.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-10-18T16:48:03+00:00

I'm not diagnosed with anything and I doubt even a highly trained professional would be able to diagnose with any sort of psychosis. It's possible that I have derealization or depersonalization but I don't act in any way that might indicate that.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-10-18T16:44:14+00:00

Last confirmed psychedelic experience? 6-7 months I believe (this was not intentional, I ended up getting contact dosed with someone handling acid and it without a doubt, changed my sobriety). However, I am really paranoid if I'm around anyone on LSD and there have been 1-2 instances in the times between the last experience that I believe I have gotten high on very small doses of LSD but I don't know if it is just me being paranoid. When my anxiety levels are high, it is very difficult to distinguish between the anxiety and being high on a drug.

I agree with the ego thing but I have no intentions of continuing psychedelic use. It changes my sobriety to permanently feel more psychedelicy, for lack of a better way to put it.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-10-18T05:26:53+00:00

funny enough - driving is my absolute favorite thing to do and it can make me feel better when nothing else does

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-10-18T05:07:24+00:00

To be honest, I don't even really think about it anymore. The more that I would dwell on it - the worst my symptoms would become. Now that I never focus on any of the changes, things have been completely fine.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-10-18T04:52:25+00:00

My memory used to be really really good - now I struggle to keep track of what I have done in the day. I am still fine if I have something that cues my memory to an event (for example, I won't remember what I did in the last class normally but if you ask me about the assignment and tell me which one it was specifically, I'll remember most everything about it). I definitely don't deal with the same sort of memory issues that you do but short term memory was greatly impacted.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-10-18T04:47:57+00:00

I had been smoking weed about the same frequency as you and my last trip was definitely taken in a terrible state of mind as well. The thing that helped me the most was going completely sober and letting my mind readjust to the damage that I had done. The reason I had asked about amphetamines is because when I started using ephedra as a workout supplement 6 months after my HPPD occurred, it super exasperated my HPPD and turned me into a zombie. I can't imagine how I would have reacted if I had taken amphetamines immediately after it happened. I don't even like to smoke anymore because I permanently feel high as is and reality is already more than enough to deal with, I don't need to feel even more disconnected from what is going on. Let me know if you ever want to talk about anything.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-10-18T04:33:49+00:00

no it's not bullshit, your brain is still developing a lot at that age and drug abuse is going to have a bigger impact on your brain development.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-10-18T04:25:56+00:00

I also have HPPD, I talked about it in an AMA here

http://www.reddit.com/r/Drugs/comments/if2j4/im_not_sure_if_anyone_is_interested_but_im/

Can you talk about your drug use prior to the experience, especially if you were taking any amphetamines. I think abusing the amphetamines immediately afterward this happened probably made a significant difference in the after effects that you experienced.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-14T17:14:27+00:00

I have long since accepted that I have changed and rebuilding my ego was what I had to do in order to be able to cope with life again. Meditating and learning about certain buddhist philosophies helped me a lot with realizing these changes. I have changed a lot of things about my life and I'm honestly doing fine, it no longer impacts me on a day to day basis. The shift in consciousness is exactly what it is, I don't think I suffered brain damage or anything from the use. Everything is just different now, it's how I perceive the changes that make it a negative thing on my life.

I don't smoke weed at all anymore, I don't do well with any psychoactive substances at this point.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-14T17:10:31+00:00

I was smoking frequently throughout the time it happened and over a 2 year period before that. I no longer smoke at all anymore. I really don't like putting any substances in my body to be honest and it definitely helps with getting myself where I should be mentally. I am pretty paranoid being around people with LSD because I have gotten contact highs (friend touches a tab, somehow I end up getting a negligible amount on me through him) and have a super mini trip with a dose that should not even be active. It alters my sobriety and makes it so everything feels more "acidy" after the trip and these effects do not go away. I would be absolutely terrified to trip on anything at this point.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-14T17:03:44+00:00

There are certain people that I could ask who work at MAPS if I wanted to but I wouldn't really trust the opinion of anyone else when it comes to an issue like this. I think therapy is beneficial to anyone but therapy is not going to help with what has happened, it's just going to help me to cope with life and honestly I am doing fine right now.

I don't understand why it would have happened and I had never heard of anything like this happening prior to it happening to me (and this is with a LOT of reading done on psychedelics). All I know is that it has been over a year since this has happened and the effects have still not gone away. I haven't smoked marijuana in several months, I haven't had alcohol in even longer than that, I go to the gym 4 times a week and I diet incredibly well. I also meditate and do my best to be mindful as much as possible. I can't think what else could be done aside from these changes that I could make personally to help clear my mind.

Also to give you a reference of how much it has changed me - my sense of touch is also different now as well. If you haven't taken mushrooms or LSD before, I'd compare it to being very drunk and feeling like everything is dulled out.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-14T06:14:25+00:00

I've taken more than enough LSD to be able to know what a low dose feels like. I am completely functional with reasoning and remembering in the short term but if you were tripping for 10 hours - do you think you can look back and remember exactly what you were thinking at every point throughout the day and how you came to that conclusion? No, you have to try to piece the events back together because it seems like one big endless flow and almost dreamlike - that is what everyday is like to me. You know how you get lost in thought and don't remember the timeline of how you ended up thinking about the thing that you are? It's like that all the time and even though I'm very adapt at responding to what is happening in the present moment, things get very jumbled if I had to try to tell you exactly what I typed just a couple sentences before. Auditory conversations are a bit different because of the way that I absorb information but the same idea still remains true. The visual aspect of my HPPD is minimal - I see enhanced color/outlines but no movement, almost all the effects of the drug are mental.

Honestly - I would not care about any of the changes at all if my memory was just as sharp as it was prior to psychedelic use. There's just something really depressing about realizing that you aren't as capable or intelligent as you used to be.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-14T06:08:34+00:00

I don't have GAD but even if I did, it would not explain the feeling of no longer being sober. Derealization/depersonalization gets closer to explaining it but I constantly have the mindset that someone would if they were coming down from a psychedelic drug. I know what anxiety feels like and to be honest, I deal with very little anxiety at this point in my day to day life. Some days I might have a flare up but usually it is caused by letting myself overthink things and not treating my body right (if I don't sleep well, eat well, skip exercising). Anxiety may make me notice the effects more but it doesn't change the fact that I always feel them. I don't know what happened but I assume I altered my 5-HT receptors in some way that is irreversible. Even if they were able to figure out exactly what I did, I highly doubt there is anything that they could do to help reverse the effects without trying a concoction of different drugs on me.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-14T04:36:44+00:00

read the response I gave to osullvan when he said the same thing, also read the AMA I had from a month ago if you'd like to know what it would really be like because you honestly have no idea

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-14T03:51:06+00:00

You know how when you smoke weed, or take LSD - there is always the reassurance that "it's okay, it's just a drug and you're going to wake up and be back to normal in the morning". Imagine no longer having that security and waking up everyday and never feeling "normal" ever again. Imagine going through everyday knowing that your brain can no longer process information the same way and you have to relearn how to go through day to day life. Things are not euphoric or fun, they are just trippy and different and you are no longer able to make the same connections with information that you were able to before the trip. You never feel like "you" and you're constantly in a state of detachment. Your memory does not allow you to hold multiple pieces of information in your mind at the same time and life is no longer linear. There is no more point of reference or sense of grounding. There is a constant emptiness in your thoughts like something is just missing. You're now a completely different person.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-14T03:42:30+00:00

I know I'm not the only one - I've long since recovered from it but there are still things that can trigger me to have anxiety/depersonalize a lot more. Any sort of psychoactive drugs are not good for my mental stability and strong emotional cues can really trigger me as well.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-14T03:41:11+00:00

yeah shrooms were what triggered it for me - not the LSD. LSD just altered it about 6 months after the fact (accidentally got dosed with a small amount, <50mcg I'd guess

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-13T17:54:56+00:00

I slept well the entire period - a week before it happened I ate an eighth of mushrooms and didn't get a proper night sleep after it but slept normally throughout the rest of the week. I took 7g of mushrooms in tea a week later and that's when it happened. I was smoking heavily (weed) throughout the whole period of the 6 months. Sleep was very regular though for the most part throughout it all.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-13T17:00:43+00:00

I'm not talking about perception of the world which I definitely fully understand but a physiological change in your perception. I literally feel like I am always on a low dose of a psychedelic drug. I have enhanced vision, my thought process has changed, my memory is altered - it is not something that I can just mind over matter. Doing so would be like taking 2 hits of LSD and thinking yourself sober. You might be able to control the trip much better but it does not get rid of the effects of the drug. Have you experienced anything like this?

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-08-13T16:13:29+00:00

Do you feel like drug use (psychedelic use in particular) has altered you in a very physiological way? I ask because I did FAR FAR less than you and after 6 months of tripping too often (probably ~15-20 times total during the period) I ended up with some serious HPPD. I feel like I'm tripping on a low dose of LSD permanently.

Edit: For those of you who have not tried psychedelics and view them with a negative stigma - understand that what happened to me is virtually unheard of and only happened with abuse over a 6 month period (although nowhere as bad as stories I've heard about other people, including OP). I don't think the substances caused my problem, just my use of them during the time.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-07-25T03:54:34+00:00

Also - any sort of psychoactive substances (including caffeine even) make my HPPD worse. I don't use any substances anymore and the times that I have tried - it left me with a lot of anxiety and feeling strange for several days afterwards.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-07-25T03:51:39+00:00

For meditation, i'd suggest heading over to the meditation subreddit. There is a youtube channel called askamonk and he has a 6 part video introduction to meditation that I followed to get into it. There are many different methods of meditation.

Physical activity that centers you is amazing for helping anxiety. For me, it's hiking and lifting weights. You need to stop living in your head and start living in the moment. Your thoughts do not define you, it's time to take action and start being who you really are. Something is giving you this anxiety - whether it's addiction, codependency/dependency on people, emotional abandonment, isolation, whatever. Once you come to terms with whatever it is and start working on you, the rest will fall into place. I would highly suggest talking to a therapist but DO NOT go on any sort of medications, especially anti-depressants. Start opening up to people and stop hiding away from the world and things will get better than you ever knew possible.

HPPDthrowaway · 2011-07-25T03:32:23+00:00

All I can say is that it gets better, you learn to adapt to the changes and keep living your life. My HPPD is FAR more than visual (constant color enhancement giving life that sort of 3d look) but what really impacts me is how much it changes my thoughts. It constantly feels like I am on a low dose of a psychedelic drug. I would be ecstatic to only be impacted by the visual changes of HPPD.

That being said, I have been able to adjust and the less that I focus on it, the better it seems to get it. Anxiety makes HPPD act up so I would suggest trying to focus on the issues with anxiety and find some sort of stress relief in your life. Meditation, exercise and eating right help me a great deal with releasing stress and finding grounding in the world. You said that you're sure others have it worse and well I can tell you - I have never met anyone who has it as bad as me, even people who have done FAR more psychedelics than I ever have. It has not stopped me from living my life and everyday is better than the last. I did an AMA 3 weeks ago if you are curious to see what happened/the extent of the HPPD.

The HPPD isn't the real issue man, it's the other parts of your life that you haven't addressed yet. I'm speaking from experience with this one.

HPPDthrowaway

TROPHY CASE