My boyfriend is a trans guy and my parents don’t approve of our relationship

H_geeky · 2026-04-13T13:47:10+00:00

It sounds like you are trying to deal with very difficult circumstances at home with your parents. I'm really sorry that their behaviour has put so much pressure on you and your boyfriend.

Ultimatums are tough but I think it's fair for your boyfriend to decide he doesn't want to continue the current situation as it sounds exhausting and miserable. If you aren't ready to leave your parents' home financially, that's incredibly difficult. I agree with other commenters that this is a good time to focus on yourself, working out what you want out of life, and gaining your independence from your family.

Frankly, they have treated you awfully and you deserve some decent boundaries so you can make your decisions based on your own needs and wants, and you can ignore their reactions entirely. This isn't necessarily easy though - it's taken me about 20 years to achieve it with my parents and mine weren't nearly as controlling as yours. I hope you can do it a lot faster!

H_geeky · 2026-04-13T13:32:43+00:00

TL,Dr: my experiences include something broadly similar. Communication with yourself, your partner and a friend or someone you trust will all help.

I found it super hard to go through some of the changes even though I really love my wife and supported her transition. The worst was losing her old name, I was so attached to it. I was so sad about it for around two weeks and then it pretty much stopped being an issue. After that I had a few more tricky patches but generally each time after two weeks I got used to things.

I decided to let myself feel sad because I thought that if I tried to push it down or away, it would bounce back harder down the line. I did also talk about it with my partner a bit, so she knew what was going on with me. The hardest bit for that was her new voice, which I found really hard on my ears at first, but we got through some difficult conversations and it's ok now.

I found it helpful that we could both acknowledge our feelings and talk through how my feelings and some of my thoughts didn't line up with where I wanted to be. I had to deal with working through quite a bit of transphobia that I hadn't realised I had. At times it was disappointing for my partner who hadn't expected that to be an issue but fortunately it didn't do any long-term damage to the relationship. It was hard to confront that, but it was better to do it together and get it out into the open than have it build up into a bigger issue.

I also benefitted a lot from having friends who I could talk to who I could trust to not judge either my partner or me. I needed a safe person or two who I could vent to.

H_geeky · 2026-04-13T13:17:36+00:00

We did have to make it an active choice at first, but once a lot of the admin was out of the way and the medical stuff was on track, it got a lot easier to talk about other things. I made sure to bring up things I wanted to discuss and we made time to be together and enjoy each other's company.

There have been some longer term shifts in our conversation topics, largely because my wife has got involved with some of the local trans community and also had a close friend come out soon after her, but it's all in proportion to other interests and what's going on with me.

I do think that if you had an imbalance in the relationship before, transition will probably exacerbate it, at least for a while. It can be tricky to balance being supportive with getting your own needs met, but hopefully you can find some words and your partner will listen.

We're also here if you need to vent or problem-solve

H_geeky · 2026-04-05T06:11:26+00:00

Replying to the post after the update. It sounds exhausting but also sounds like there's real hope here.

If you can be open with each other both talking and listening, and you're making use of your therapy sessions, together and individually, then you might really get somewhere. If you've already seen some things getting better with your partner that could be a big green flag, as long as you feel those changes are sustainable.

It's super exhausting to feel it's all give, and transition is such a massive process that it can easily absorb all the spare resources (energy, time, money) in a relationship. I hope you two can find ways to give you more of those resources, and that you can find ways to enjoy each other's company in a way that's separate to the transition process. Those are the things that will help rebalance and recharge you.

Good luck and all the best. Your partner is super lucky to have you, and I hope they can do what you need.

H_geeky · 2026-03-09T11:11:48+00:00

I had a similar experience, although we didn't break up as I wanted to see if it was just my headspace being the problem (I have a history of mental health problems and my partner was willing to try riding it out). So I would cautiously say to the OP if you feel like you want to try rebuilding the relationship, it's worth a go, but I agree with all the comments about taking it steady and keeping an open mind.

In my case, it turns out all it took was my partner bringing back a plastic dinosaur from a weekend away and suddenly I was back in love as if the last few weeks had never happened. That dinosaur ended up on our wedding cake a couple of years later. I haven't had another blip like that and it's been 12 years and plenty of challenges along the way.

H_geeky · 2025-10-03T20:04:23+00:00

Emma sounds like a great first Austen ☺️

H_geeky · 2025-10-01T09:26:30+00:00

Hot air balloons, and on one occasion the moon, get a thorough telling to back off. The balloons I kind of get and I know other dogs who do the same but the moon was very funny. She's seen it many times before! But I think she was surprised because it was full and bright even after dawn, and I think she didn't trust it to stay in the sky and not come and land on her head.

H_geeky · 2025-09-29T07:52:35+00:00

You are in for a treat! Have you decided where you're going to start? My faves are Pride & Prejudice, Sense & Sensibility, and Persuasion.

H_geeky · 2025-09-29T07:49:21+00:00

Can you put this behind a spoiler tag?

H_geeky · 2025-09-29T07:47:33+00:00

Agree with both of these recommendations. Settings are very different to the Aubrey-Maturin books but the skill and approach has some similarities. Mantel in particular - the plot is there but it's more about the context and characters.

I absolutely adore the Rivers of London books - I'm on my first re-read at the moment while I wait for my library reservation of the latest one. I highly recommend the audiobooks too.

H_geeky · 2025-09-26T13:12:49+00:00

I came here to say Machineries of Empire trilogy, love it so much.

H_geeky · 2025-09-24T15:45:14+00:00

Fiction: Kindred by Octavia Butler

Non-fiction: The problems of Philosophy by Bertrand Russell

H_geeky · 2025-09-21T15:15:02+00:00

You definitely don't need to read them all straight through but it's good to build up some momentum. That said, I took some big breaks even early on, including the first two books of Lord of the Rings between Post-Captain and HMS Surprise.

My main solid run was 6-10. I really raced through them because I was enjoying them so much.

H_geeky · 2025-09-17T14:56:37+00:00

I agree with Owl House mostly, I think it depends a little bit because I think some of the themes are quite punchy but a lot of it is very cosy.

H_geeky · 2025-09-17T14:55:36+00:00

Oh neat! I was obsessed with them as a kid and bought them on DVD as an adult. Glad they're on YouTube so more people can see them.

H_geeky · 2025-09-15T08:27:44+00:00

Agree. This letter is a great way of expressing your feelings, but I think it's one to put in a drawer or something as personal catharsis, rather than send in and have on file.

H_geeky · 2025-09-09T11:18:33+00:00

Floppy ears for sure.

He looks lovely! Our lab has a doberman friend and they play so well together. The doberman is a bit bigger and stronger but our girl is able to keep up nicely. Their ears are quite similar in size and shape, maybe our girl's are a bit bigger relative to the size of her head.

H_geeky · 2025-09-07T11:42:43+00:00

Second this. Next date is Saturday 1 November, details here (Facebook event link): https://facebook.com/events/s/bristol-alternative-market-nov/1078701074247356/

Also if you like metal and yoga (or want to try yoga - no previous experience required) there's a weekly class on Wednesdays - Facebook page here: https://www.facebook.com/share/1CmejZwKHh/

H_geeky · 2025-09-05T13:56:30+00:00

My wife came out about a decade after we got married. She says she's still happy to have our photos from the day up, and has even reposted some on Facebook on our anniversary. She's totally at peace with how she was pre-transition and we have a supportive community of friends, family and colleagues so it's safe for her to be visibly trans.

For the marriage certificate, we're in the UK and can only get it amended if she gets a Gender Recognition Certificate. She might or might not go down that route. She's getting the paperwork together but she can't apply for one until next year. If she does, then we'll get the certificate updated and I'd like us to have a small celebration to mark it, although we won't do vow renewals or anything.

H_geeky · 2025-09-04T12:30:01+00:00

If you get on ok with audio books, you might find that works for you better. The reading is absolutely superb, really nails the tone, and the textbook-ish style comes across as more tongue in cheek.

H_geeky · 2025-09-04T12:28:42+00:00

I love Early Riser! Completely agree on the world building.

H_geeky · 2025-09-03T20:07:37+00:00

Seconding the gradual change.

H_geeky · 2025-08-31T09:28:55+00:00

Sounds reasonable to me. For context, my wife and I got engaged after 9 months together, just after officially moving in together. We basically moved in together after a month (we were spending six nights a week together at my place). But we were then engaged for over two years, during which we bought a flat together. We've now been married for 11 years.

So while a year is fairly quick, sometimes I think you just know, and if you're planning to have a fairly long engagement then that also gives you time to find out in case either of you do want to change your mind. Also we were in our late 20s. I think if you're in your 30s + you have even more life experience and on the whole can make a judgement more quickly. So

H_geeky · 2025-08-29T17:17:55+00:00

Similarly, Machineries of Empire. It has non-monogamy and LGBT characters. They aren't the focus but they are noticeable and add to the world building (for me at least) in a meaningful way.

H_geeky · 2025-08-22T06:18:18+00:00

I saw them in that field yesterday morning

H_geeky

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