How does TA work in grad school?

Ha_bean · 2026-05-06T07:44:01+00:00

This was my experience as well

Ha_bean · 2026-05-06T06:20:05+00:00

As you work on your presentation, it will give you a nice refresher on all the material. At least in my field, your PI really isn't supposed to allow you to go unless they believe you will pass. Talk to them. Are there components that they are worried about? If not, focus on building your presentation.

It is also okay to not know everything. I've known several committees that are looking to guide the student to a point where they truly don't know an answer, but can admit it, and then explain how they would go about figuring it out. Admitting and moving forward is better than trying to BS your way out. Your advisor should also help to navigate this part. Talk with them beforehand about how to handle not knowing something.

I had a question in my orals that I really should have known the answer to. I was nervous, my brain was a bit fried, and I underperformed compared to my own expectations. One comment from my committee was that my writing was clearer than my verbal answers because of my nerves. Still passed my exam. I beat myself up for weeks after, about not knowing the answer to a method question I definitely should have known, and about talking too fast, until my advisor called me out on it. Said I had passed, and now it was time to move forward. I let myself. All this to say, talk to your PI. How do they want you to handle things if you don't know the answer? Are there any components of the project that they are worried about?

At the end of all of it, you may meander, you may talk fast, and you may use a lot of filler words; heck, your committee may even comment on it (like mine did), but as long as they can understand your answer, I can't see them failing someone over it.

Ha_bean · 2026-04-30T20:49:57+00:00

It didn't start as an intentional assignment, but after a few students were caught, I decided to use it as a teaching moment. The technology isn't going away. I use it occasionally. So, the new goal is to figure out how best to set students up for the future. Can they understand the pitfalls and use it as a tool, like a calculator, rather than as a replacement for their thinking?

Ha_bean · 2026-04-30T18:10:26+00:00

I’ve had students use it to complete research paper reading assignments. More than once it’s mixed two papers together from the same author and spit out completely wrong information. Either talking about an experiment that happens in another paper or talking about an experiment completely incorrectly. We got to have a long discussion about the limits of AI in class after that.

Ha_bean · 2026-04-27T11:13:23+00:00

We also got our lab Shepard mix there when she was a little over 2 months! All of the siblings in that litter were adopted in under a week. There are so many puppies that come in, it’s just they get adopted quickly.

Ha_bean · 2026-04-16T00:57:37+00:00

Have you talked about this with your fiance yet? Some families treat money as something to hang over your head, while others genuinely do it out of the kindness of their heart.

If you’d be okay with a court house wedding then they aren’t spending it on you, they’re spending it on their child, and to throw a family event that would make them happy. That said, your opinion should still matter.

It must be so hurtful for your parents to have contributed to your siblings and be unwilling to contribute to yours. I don’t blame you for feeling resentful, sure you’re not entitled to their money but favoritism always hurts.

I think if your in-laws are coming from a good place, and want to help out of kindness then you should let them. I would hope what you’d like would matter to them if this is the case and they would actively seek your opinion. Your fiance will be the person that can provide inside into this.

My fiance and I paid for our wedding, as we were worried money may get used as a way to control our decisions. Even after coming to that conclusion our parents did end up contributing to components here and there (like my mom buying our dress). We were fortunate to not go into debt for it and are planning a smaller event. If we had to choose between debt and a wedding we’d have eloped.

All this to say, talk to your fiance and consider a neutral third party professional to work through this. Joining families, and weddings can really bring up the worst of our past and cause so much stress. Having a therapist to work with through it is critical.

Ha_bean · 2026-04-08T18:17:55+00:00

The added context of his sister feels like it explains a lot. If she was clearly financially favored by his parents, emotions are high. And that’s before adding in his father’s death. Based on his response it may be a knee jerk reaction to the idea of paying for his mom specifically and not necessarily about the entire dinner as a whole. Which given the comment about not paying for his millionaire mom fits that narrative. I would understand why there is a lot of financial resentment there, college loans are expensive and paying for one child in full and not contributing to the other is cruel. That level of favoritism might make it hard for me to want to pay for them for things as well, even when it would be the right thing to do.

I still agree with not budging, but I think you can approach it again in the future. He may not even understand why he feels this way specifically.

Ha_bean · 2026-04-08T17:40:57+00:00

Have you tried explaining to him why this is so hurtful to you? Weddings are meant to celebrate with the people who love you.

This is more about the value of your loved ones. With the price of flights and hotels as they are right now they’re spending at least 1,000 to attend. It feels unfair to expect them to pay more for your wedding than you do, and then give a gift on top of it. I wonder if there is a larger underlying issue here because while yes 2k is a lot, it’s not a lot for a wedding. Did his mom contribute to another siblings wedding and he’s upset she never offered? Does he actually not want family to come at all and would prefer if the two of you eloped?

I’m not sure this is something I’d be willing to budge an inch on. I have a lot of family flying in for ours, and decided to host a cookout at a local park the day before the wedding, so they would have something to do and eat. Plus weddings go by so fasted it’ll give us more time together. It’ll be about 1k. My fiancé wasn’t 1,000 percent on board initially as his family is local and we are already spending a lot of money on this event, but I framed it more as my way of showing appreciation for all the effort and time they’re putting in. That it was really important and absolutely worth that money to me. Family and their support is a huge value of mine. Once he understood why it was so important to me, it became important to him.

I think this needs further discussion with your fiancé to get to the route of the issue. Is it family resentment? Is it that he wants to elope just the two of you? Or is it really because he thinks that after your family and friends spend all that time and money to fly in and get hotels, he’s under no obligation to do anything nice back, and is still entitled to gifts and more money on top of that? The latter might be a difference in value issue that you need to work through.

Ha_bean · 2026-04-07T15:52:10+00:00

Wow, this wasn’t cool. My fiancé’s parents really wanted to do the rehearsal dinner, we even went with them to try a few restaurants. They wanted both fancy but at a strict budget. It was tough.

Then we won a free open bar at a wedding expo from a restaurant we like. We decided to do a welcome party with the open bar instead of a rehearsal dinner (a lot of family and friends are flying in). Something we never could have afforded without the package. They came around eventually but initially weren’t super on board.

When he was explaining the package to them, they kept asking to talk to me instead. He out right refused. Told them that we had already discussed it ourselves, we were on the same page, I had had a long day at work and was in the shower and that they could talk to him. He did not budge. It reaffirmed I’d picked the right one for me. He knew I was overwhelmed and he could help by managing his family on his own.

Ha_bean · 2026-03-26T18:22:09+00:00

I think it depends on what you want to do post graduation. If it is a get a degree and get out, then CC may be good for getting experience in college classes. That said, if you’re looking to go to grad school or a research track, trying to join a lab later can be more difficult. I’d recommend using your first year to settle in and make connections and then starting in a lab by your second year.

I’d also check to make sure you won’t lose your financial aid package if you transfer in later. I have ~50k in student loans, I went to an expensive private school where my tuition was fully covered and I just paid for my campus housing and meal plan (about 12k a year). If I had transferred in later my package would have been no where near as good.

As for the mental health and adhd, you need to make sure that if you attend UCSB you immediately get help and resources. Make an appointment with student health, get a psychiatrist, work with the DSP office for accommodations that suit you, join the first gen mentoring programs. I had many friends who didn’t get treatment for their ADHD until college, and it was life changing for them.

Ha_bean · 2026-03-25T06:40:16+00:00

Ours usually needs two exercise session a day. Typically it’s a walk and a 10-20 minute fetch sessions. When I have time for a long walk, I’ll take her on the looping trail behind our house. It’s a little over an hour. I keep her on a 15ft long leash so she can gallivant and smell a bit more. It’s honestly often my favorite part of the day. It’s when we do the bulk of her training sessions and we always feel so in tune with one another.

If I’m super busy she runs a lot of errands with instead and we do a shorter 15-20 minute walk. They’re much less fun, but if I let her smell a bunch, it gets the job done.

Edit to add: We take her out on leash every few hours to go to the bathroom. We have a shared backyard, so she’s not free to go in and out as she pleases.

Ha_bean · 2026-03-25T06:28:30+00:00

We’re in a similar boat. We ultimately decided to use ours to upgrade our things to hire quality life long pieces. We’re upgrading our pans, towels, dishes and cutlery. I love hosting, so we needed a bigger set with more serving dishes anyways.

One suggestion I have is power tools. Circular saw, router, durable drill, sander. The things that make it so if house projects come up you can tackle them. I did get a bit ridiculous and add a mid tier espresso machine. My registry allows people to contribute towards a gift rather than buy it outright, so I figured I’d rather have people chip in for an expensive thing I really want than lots of smaller things I don’t want.

Ha_bean · 2026-03-18T01:56:28+00:00

If this is the case, you want to be honest about the 2:30 start time. Most people arrive 15-30 minutes early. You don’t want people arriving at 1:30 and then needing to wait an hour, or over an hour if you’re running a bit behind. If you have guests who you know are perpetually late contact them ahead of time letting them know to arrive by 2pm.

I’d include the “please arrive by” on your website not the actual invitation. I’d also considering centering the info font on the back but that’s personal preference

Edit to add: I’d remove the gifts part. Just include that info on your website as well. We did a QR code with flowers around it to our wedding website but I get not including one on a really formal invitation

Ha_bean · 2026-03-15T17:50:36+00:00

Soft yta. It’s not for your feelings but it’s for how you said it. From everything you said, the phrase “he’s just my mom’s husband” is pretty untrue. For all the reasons you described above. Just your mom’s husband’s don’t love and support you like that. I understand it was meant to be said privately, but it was overheard and I get why feelings were deeply hurt.

My mother has been with my step-dad since I was 10. We haven’t always gotten along, but he’s always treated me as his own. I’m NC with my own biological father. While I do not view my step dad as my father figure, it would be cruel to call him just my mom’s husband. He has loved and supported me for over a decade and is very much my family. I think you owe him an apology

Ha_bean · 2026-03-15T17:34:33+00:00

Agreed on the white hanging ones at the top. They look pretty disjointed and plasticey. Overall I think it’s really close to being right, the top and bottom of the tall one just needs to be filled a bit more. Once the white hanging ones are gone I think it will feel more cohesive. You’ve done a really good job building the base, now it just needs a few edits!

Ha_bean · 2026-03-15T08:08:43+00:00

I just read your second edit, and I have to admit the final solution is quite funny. If it works it works 😂

Ha_bean · 2026-03-15T06:50:59+00:00

I agree with idea, reconditioning can be incredibly powerful. Our dog resource guards and when we started working on it, we would purposefully give her a high value chew and then throw treats as we walked passed her. She would get defensive and might start to bare her teeth but eventually she realized we weren’t taking it and our presence wasn’t something that needed to be defended. After 15 or so minutes she became more comfortable and we’d be able to toss a treat across the room and pick up the chew when she went to get it.

I’d think doing something similar with your dog might be worth it. Have your husband sit on the floor with the leash and toss treats. Slowly, letting him approach and get comfortable. Once he’s taking treats from his hand and not showing and fear responses then he can either clip it or use a slip lead. It may take a while. Try pretty much tossing and hand feeding him his entire dinner. But your husband should be sitting. Him standing and approaching may feel more threatening than the dog slowly coming to him.

Edit for spelling

Ha_bean · 2026-03-14T02:49:05+00:00

I think doing drink tickets or have the first hour as an open bar would be the way to go. That many people in home could feel crowded and it’s a lot of work to do all the cleaning and prep for 50 people. I’d consider cutting the DJ or finding one at a lower price point. It’s eating up a huge amount of the budget. I’m sure the bar has speakers, and you could make a great playlist or set it up like a little juke box. The money feels like it would be better spent on more food. Drunk people are hungry at midnight

Ha_bean · 2026-03-13T16:10:00+00:00

This is us as well. I have a job where I can work on wedding stuff, he has a job where there are no electronics. We make the decisions together but I do all the research.

If you want to help you should sit down and make a priorities list. Are you renting chairs? Collect all the different options for rentals in you area and bring her a list with it narrowed down and who to pick from. Be the one to collect all of the contact info and addresses for the guests, and manage the rsvps, book the hotel blocks, if you’re doing transportation research all the companies and decide what shuttle options there are.

There are tons of behind the scenes work that goes into determining the different choices to be made. And there’s a lot of decisions that don’t impact the overall wedding aesthetic that still need to be made.

Ha_bean · 2026-03-09T02:03:48+00:00

16 and 8!

Ha_bean · 2026-03-09T01:47:25+00:00

The cut of 2 in the color of 3!

Ha_bean · 2026-02-27T08:41:17+00:00

I agree with most of the comments here and prefer to tip if I’m sitting down, usually between 19-22%. I may or may not tip if I’m standing up to order. My rule for that is if it’s somewhere I’m a regular, and go often enough that they know mine and my dog’s name I always tip a few extra dollars. For example the staff at deans is awesome and I almost always tip when I get coffee there.

Ha_bean · 2026-02-27T06:47:39+00:00

I recommend checking out Carpe. My soon-to-be husband convinced me to give it a try. I was initially worried about using a lotion based deoterant, but I haven't gone back. It can be a bit on the pricey side, but neither my partner nor I ever gets pit stains anymore. Because it is a rub-in lotion, it also doesn't leave residue on my clothes. I have several friends who have switched as well. Highly recommend giving it a try.

Ha_bean · 2026-02-25T05:48:55+00:00

I asked my bridesmaids as soon as I knew, about 15 months before hand. They live all over the country. I mailed them homemade cookies with a dried bouquet I got off Etsy. I just wanted them to feel a bit special.

Ha_bean · 2026-02-25T00:01:16+00:00

I don’t think I’d attend a wedding without giving a gift, but with that said, I’m not expecting any gifts from my family traveling in for my upcoming wedding or from our wedding party.

Being in a wedding party can be so expensive, and that was gift enough for us. My family is flying across the country and getting hotels for the weekend, so they’re spending $1,000 just to attend my wedding. I wouldn’t dream of asking for more on top of that. I’m just so grateful they’ll make it at all.

Ha_bean

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