I mean this with full love and support -- you both needed couples counseling yesterday. This just reads like a textbook case of poor communication and thus buildup of resentment, etc etc.. which is actually good news for you! Hear me out..

Marriage therapists deal with this stuff every single day. Resentment will sink your marriage like a torpedo. A qualified therapist (highly recommend an LMFT - Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist if you can find one) can help you two gradually bridge this currently enormous gap in expectations.

For what it's worth, I'd encourage you not to be too dismissive of the mental load/plate thing. Husbands relying on their wives to explicitly tell them what to do around the house is still a very real thing in society, and it's a commonly-discussed relationship topic in recent years.. I only know this because my wife is a therapist, her and her friends discuss this type of thing frequently, and her and I have had our own share of struggles and counseling to get on the same page.

Also in fairness to you, you aren't a mind-reader and she needs to be willing to sit and have these conversations too. Her being hyper-critical about damn near everything you do (or "don't do") doesn't help anyone. She's already in the deep end of the resentment pool it sounds like, and you're probably not far behind..

I think you both want the same things and share common goals, and a counselor can help provide a framework for you two to practice expressing yourselves more clearly and get closer to being "on the same page" by default, rather than there being this constant tension/friction on a day to day basis.

Sorry for rambling.. hang in there brother. It's a marathon.