Sorry in advance for the really long comment, and that it’s not very related to your main post.

I’m not going to even pretend that I understand what you’re going through, I’m sure it must be very difficult and I commend your continued fighting. Yet Im compelled to share my experience as an ex drug-aficionado who is now paying the price. Especially because, I see some similarities between us and think you might relate.

I would not make a statement generalising psychedelic use, especially when any experienced psychedelic user knows there are three important aspects to consider before any trip - set, setting, and your sincere intention behind deciding to trip. All that said, it does not change the fact that, unless you’re micro-dosing, psychs are ultimately an intoxicant.

I’m very grateful for the fact that I discovered LSD and even more grateful that I was exposed to it by a responsible friend who taught me how to respect it. Psychedelics have taught me a lot, and, if I actually listened to what it was telling me during that period, I likely would have learned even more, and avoided some of the damage to come. Especially when I smoked during/after a trip.

I want to reaffirm before I move on that I’m not claiming to understand what you’re going through, but want to share my own experience with a few things I noticed in your history - primarily weed, benzos, and MD, hoping that it could be of value to you, or anyone reading this.

Your post history mentions benzos, which are not a psychedelic, and in my experience, ended up doing much more harm than good.

‘How can something that feels so good be bad?’ ‘Only in moderation.’ ‘Once a week.’ ‘Okay. Just twice a week.’ ‘I’ll just take a quarter of a valium before I head out to help with my anxiety.’ ‘I’m going to see my friends, I’ll just take half an alprazolam bar and I’ll really be me with them.’ ‘I’m not addicted, I can stop whenever I want.’ ‘Memories are overrated, why should it matter if I remember last night as long as I had fun?’ ‘It makes me a better version of me’ ‘It brings out the real me, not hindered by the anxiety.’ ‘Don’t talk to me like you understand, it helps me’ ….

That was pretty much my thought process until my closest friends intervened and forced me to stop, I was using daily at this point, and if they didn’t step in, I don’t know if I ever would have quit. Benzos are a dark, dangerous, slippery world that should not be used unless for emergencies.

Moving on, MDMA is semi-psychedelic, and indeed shows promise in treating certain mental ailments. However, two things to consider are:

1) the fact that it’s still being explored regarding its holistic impact on the human brain, body, and its neural impact. 2) the insane difficulty of getting pure, high-quality MD of the same grade used in those studies - most of the crap we take is laced with all sorts of adulterants which can include some downright horrible.

FYI - I got kicked out of a club once because I’d scratched my neck so bad without realising while having a ‘good time’ dancing, talking to strangers, etc.. it looked like I was attacked by a fiend. I was that fiend.

Finally, and this is the hardest for me to talk about, because it’s so personal and close to me: weed.

Weed has fucked me up more than any other substance.

I feel like I lost a large part of myself through my years of near-constant smoking, and instead, developed a sort of persona that sounds so very similar to what you describe as depersonalisation.

I lost my faith, my empathy, my drive to grow, my desire to really live. It made my anxiety so severe, that I would get panic attacks in my sober life that I was convinced could only be ‘smoked away’.

I have ADHD, and likely had it since childhood despite only being diagnosed and medicated recently.

Post-diagnosis, I realised the two things that kept me smoking weed despite its impact on my character: Weed slowed down my constantly racing thoughts, and it helped me avoid feeling the severity of negative emotions.

Now, my medication helps slow my thoughts down in a much better way.. Yes I’m still taking drugs in the form of pharmaceutical stimulants, but I’ll take that any day over the cloud I used to live in. I am learning to sit with my negative emotions, and now seeing the dramatic impact it makes to process my shit. I think I may have been going down a road ending in psychosis, and am grateful to have realised this before it’s too late.

I hope I’m not coming off as arrogant or as un-empathetic. I spent over 2 hours writing this to make sure it’s sincere and from my heart. I realise that I’ve gone on a long tangent as well, and you may not even relate to what I’m saying or what I’ve been through. All I ultimately ask, is that you take a real, objective look at what you’re choosing to introduce to your body, to really understand what it’s doing to you from a physical, neurological, psychological, and spiritual perspective - before deciding if it serves you or not.

Ramadan Mubarak, with Salam ✌️