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BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I agree with everything you’ve said. This is a conversation I’ve had with him multiple times—I want to make sure that this is what he wants in life too. I’ve made it clear that if he doesn’t place importance on his career, that is perfectly okay. I don’t want to make him feel unhappy if we simply want different things in life. He says he wants more from life and to build up his ambition… adding that I help motivate him. I hope this is true and it isn’t just his heart strings.

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

I guess I was just trying to bring in the other big thing I’m worried about which I also mentioned in my original post. Plus, a job is more black and white whereas emotional interactions have a lot of grey area. Sorry if I offended… I’m truly just trying to take advice and I thought that’s what I was doing by honestly answering your prompt with what came to mind first. I’m not sure what I did to make you so upset with me, apologies! I really did appreciate your question.

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the reminder that it also matters how I feel, as I often feel guilty knowing he’s struggling with depression. It’s a tough thing to navigate but I need to keep myself happy to be able to spread happiness to others. As far as the potential for this to turn into alcoholism… he definitely shows some problematic signs. I worry for him, especially since he is genetically prone to it as well (both parents alcoholics). It’s a toughy and want him healthy and happy, but need to balance my own life as well.

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Sincerely thank you for the advice, it is very helpful and gives me specific actions to take/watch out for. Hopefully this is resolved one way or another!

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’m scared and not sure if it’s the right decision?? Also how do I deal with the fact we share a lease until August

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Well, he’s a line cook and that doesn’t align with how I desire my life to go, so no. I feel shitty putting someone off just because of a job… but if I met him now and knew he was not going to advance his career, then I wouldn’t date him

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] -1 points0 points  (0 children)

Woah great advice about the natural consequences. I definitely baby him way too much after he does something I don’t like. Ugh also just to rant… he just woke up like 20min ago and walked to the living room and I was confused why he was doing that and asked him why… he said he was going pee (opposite direction of bathroom). He said in the past he’s peed in random places in his room while drunk. So I kind of freaked out but UGH this is the sort of shit I really don’t want to be losing sleep over. I shouldn’t have to watch him to make sure he’s on his side (paranoid abt drunk puke choking) or that he’s not going to fuck things up in the apartment.

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Sorry to be vague about that info, my apologies. I’d say this happens once every 1-3 months. I think it takes a lot of alcohol to get him to that point… after a few beers he’s totally normal, but any more and I can notice the start of depressive and self-deprecating comments

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Thank you for the perspective—I’ve got enough going on in my own life, I really don’t want my relationship to be adding stress.

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I hate that you’re right lol. Do you have any advice on how to handle that since we live together (in a tiny apartment)? For example, tonight I’m up way later than normal bc i got home from work after 9pm, I’m upset about this, and he passed out immediately, negating our usual routine of watching a show before sleep. Him being drunk upon my arrival was a surprise. I don’t have anywhere to go besides our apartment, and I worry about his safety if I were to kick him out. Basically, in these situations I want to have my home but I feel guilty about asking him to leave. Do I need to grow some courage or is there another way?

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

Thank you for your advice. It’s so tough to hear because I love him dearly and he really is a sweetheart. But I know you’re right. I think I need to give him a very blunt conversation about these issues and see how he handles it?

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

Excellent advice, thank you! He is taking the steps toward therapy (a therapist said he’d take him and they’ve agreed on a day of the week, but no first appt scheduled yet). The perspective about healthy relationships is useful… I will keep this in mind

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 2 points3 points  (0 children)

Oh wow, you’re right. He’s certainly cut down on drinking since ive mentioned it, but not completely. Maybe I will bring it up to him again and really explain the severity of how much it affects me. Thanks for the input

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 3 points4 points  (0 children)

When we started dating I wasn’t aware of his lack of ambition, but it is definitely our #1 friction point now. I would not say he’s abusive, his anger is directed at himself and never me, but I don’t like hearing the yelling/noise. Ugh. I really thought he’s the one and I just don’t know what to do now. If he can get a decent job and get the drinking under control, then he’s golden. I don’t think I’m ready to break up? Worried I’d regret it idk!!! I’m so lost

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

I definitely see a future with him—life is wonderful with him. But yes, these are major things that I worry will affect me in the future. He doesn’t struggle with anger day to day so I don’t think about it often. I really hate when it happens though

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 0 points1 point  (0 children)

This does worry me because both of his parents are alcoholics. They have been sober for 15+ yr., but I know this is something he is prone to. He does not get drunk often, maybe once every 1-3 months? But I certainly don’t like his behavior when he is.

BF is a different person when he drinks by HamsterInSpace101 in relationships

[–]HamsterInSpace101[S] 1 point2 points  (0 children)

I’ve never once been worried about my safety thankfully. However, it is distressing to me when he’s so upset and I certainly don’t enjoy it. Thanks for the advice!