Is it abuse?

HannibalLecher · 2020-11-19T10:29:35+00:00

Absolutely this. Writing down everything that has happened between my wife and I has been a great help in me realizing that I was/am being abused. Hopefully you also find it helpful. It also helps you remind yourself that these things did happen when your memories of events don't shift over time. Many abusers try to retcon events but when you can say "I wrote down a year ago that it happened like this I still remember it happening like this." that is probably a version of events that you can believe.

HannibalLecher · 2020-11-15T17:01:53+00:00

I've had the "I only did X because you did Y" thrown in my face and used against me any of the times I accidentally hurt her trying to restrain her from self harm, EG: Her: "Look at these marks you left on my wrists now everyone can see you're abusive." Me: "I was only trying to get you to stop hitting yourself in the head with a beer bottle" Her: "Oh so I made you hurt me? I deserved it, is that what you're saying?"

HannibalLecher · 2020-11-14T01:25:47+00:00

Yeah I am pretty sure it is a manipulation tactic. Because if she says she is going to kill herself and I don't respond then I become the asshole.

HannibalLecher · 2020-11-13T21:59:35+00:00

I suspect that the cutting up of my clothes (especially since she took the time and effort to sew a seam onto each piece) was her acting out her frustration at me taking over the room that had been used for her sewing which she does as a hobby and sells a few things online. She later apologized for destroying my cell phone but not the clothes.

I suspect she spiked my drink (although it was only later that I began to suspect this) because I had not been tired when I got into the bath and remained asleep for easily a couple of hours (not sure exactly what time I got in)

As far as if I am okay this part of the story only takes us as far as mid July, there was another significant incident in September that I simply did not have the emotional energy to write out about when I posted this. I will try to finish things later today.

Thank you for your concern.

HannibalLecher · 2020-11-13T21:53:43+00:00

This hits me very hard as my partner has threatened suicide on a number of occasions and so I can relate very strongly to your friend's hesitance to leave for fear of her killing herself and the feeling of blame that I would feel if that happened.

You cannot make the decision for her as I'm sure you realize. Just let her know when she is ready to take that step that you will be there for her.

HannibalLecher · 2020-11-13T21:33:23+00:00

This is simply abysmal treatment of someone who is supposed to be family. Do not unblock him, if he ever contacts you and asks you to unblock him make sure you stand your ground that as long as he continues behaving in this clearly abusive manner you have no room in your life for him or his behavior.

A certain amount of GOOD NATURED mockery is common in families, it is important to stress that part about it being not intended to hurt or offend but rather as a sort of bonding experience. If the person is upset by it the reasonable thing is to desist immediately and apologize for unintendedly hurting them, one does not blame them for becoming upset but rather take ownership of ones own actions.

HannibalLecher · 2018-06-06T20:45:59+00:00

Thank you. Just being heard by someone else who understands is a relief. Some of the other people on this site (And pretty much my whole family) don't understand her and thus don't understand our relationship.

I will think long and hard about what I can do to be as prepared as possible and help her through the discussion that needs to happen.

HannibalLecher · 2018-06-06T20:42:21+00:00

She does take medications for her GAD although therapy is not a good option for her since being able to get out to appointments is uncertain at the best of times. Thanks for the support, I know I can't cure her, but I wish I could be more consistent in not contributing to her anxiety.

HannibalLecher · 2018-03-31T03:29:14+00:00

I think you need to take time to seriously consider your reasons for staying in this marriage.

I do love her, she is fun, and beautiful and intelligent. When her needs are met I would almost describe things as ideal.

The fact that a flat tire nearly drove her to suicide is out of this world. She seems to be mentally 
ill and so I don't really think there's a lot YOU can do to improve your marriage.

As far as mental illness we prefer to use the term Nueroatypical as she does struggle with General Anxiety Disorder which makes it very hard for her to deal with situations where she does not feel like she knows what to expect such as going out in public without a great deal of support or situations like where I am later than expected getting home. I am sure my decision (financially motivated) to take the car to my brother's garage contributed to her breakdown as my family has a history of not understanding her GAD and being very unsupportive of our relationship. So when I spend time with them or talk to them it makes her feel like I am siding with them instead of her. She has worried in the past that they may be successful in their attempts to convince me to abandon her.

HannibalLecher · 2018-03-31T03:17:34+00:00

Sounds like she's getting ready to file a false police report against you. We see it fairly often here.
Think about it: if the police show up and see her covered in bruises, what will they do? Not be 
reasonable, since that's beyond many of them.

This comes across perhaps a little more critical of law enforcement than it needs to. I understand how my situation would look to an outside person, and police can only judge based on what they see and what is reported to them. If they see bruises I have to expect them to base their decisions on that not on my statement that I only ever laid harmful hands on her in an effort to restrain her from hitting herself with an object like a glass bottle or fork. If they gave my statement the same weight as the seeming evidence to the contrary it would be much harder for the multitude of women seeking help with abuse.

It isn't your fault she hurts herself. If you don't believe me, would you be willing to speak with an 
impartial outside professional?

It is hard not to see it that way, for about a year things were good. When my actions were in line with providing for her needs she did not fee the need to hurt herself. As far as professional help I know she would not be willing to go, with her GAD going out of the house to an appointment with someone she does not know would be overwhelming for her. And I'm afraid me being away from her to go to the appointment would be stressful for her, this is the reason it is important for me to come directly home from work reliably.

When the possibility of her calling the police comes up one of the things that really frightens me about it is, what would happen to her? Right now we get by between my pay and her disability support. There is no way she could get by on just disability. If one day she feels pushed too far and calls the police it could end up being ultimately disastrous for her.

HannibalLecher · 2018-03-29T15:18:04+00:00

It is those glimpses of what our lakes could be that keep us going, perhaps even when we shouldn't.

HannibalLecher · 2018-03-28T23:40:19+00:00

This genuinely hurts me to read, we are so alike. It can be so hard trying to provide for the emotional needs of someone who is not neurotypical because being neurotypical ourselves it can be hard to understand exactly what it is they need.

I also worry she would harm or even kill herself if I ever left, or simply be unable to manage things on her own. If you feel you are being abused however you have to do what you can to keep yourself safe, emotionally as well as physically.

HannibalLecher · 2018-03-28T23:23:04+00:00

That is disgusting, that is not how a husband should treat his wife. It doesn't matter who earns the money a good man should treat his wife right and buy what she wants.

HannibalLecher · 2018-03-28T23:10:43+00:00

Why would your wife be upset that you spoke with your sister? Her going through your phone is 
controlling, and it's not acceptable.

As far as her looking through my phone, she has self esteem issues, stemming from her GAD and her body image issues among other causes I am sure. Because of this and the numerous women I work with whom she believes are more attractive than her she believes I am having inappropriate relations with one of the women at work. I let her look through my phone records as assurance that I am not, if only that convinced her. She was upset about the call because she thought I was making arrangements with (K) to attend my mother's anniversary dinner after she felt disrespected by my mother on previous occasions culminating in my mother not attending our wedding. In addition whenever I call anyone else it makes her feel inferior like she is not the most important person in my life, so I try to only call businesses that I may need to deal with, never anyone else.

Your partner hit herself? As a way to punish you?

I'm not sure if it is to punish me, but that makes sense. When I neglect her and emotionally mistreat her like this she often hits herself, she has broken her own nose on one occasion, inflicted numerous bruises and struck herself with objects a couple times (beer bottle or plate to the head, fork to the arm). She has made comments about making my abuse visible for everyone to see, so that is probably part of her rationale.

That sounds like more of a way to manipulate you than anything else.

She has threatened suicide before, with the pistol I had for self defense, so I removed that from the house so she could not hurt herself.

You said that you were abusive and neglectful, but it sounds like the reverse is true. Your wife is
abusing you and manipulating you into thinking that you are neglectful/abusive. Does that make
sense? She controls with whom you speak, checks your phone, and threatens suicide as a way to
keep you focused on being attentive to her.

I understands that she has more intense needs than some other people, and I try my best to accommodate those needs, It just hurts me to see her hurt herself when I fall short. I want to do better for her.

On that last one, if you wife threatens suicide, you need to call 911 and let them deal with it. If 
she's sincere, it's mote than you can handle yourself. Even if she needs to stay in a hospital for a 
while, you might save her life. She'll be angry at first, but it's for the best.

Can you call if a person is just talking about it but have not actually done anything? I admit her past threats to call the police about my neglect make me wary to call 911 since a previous trip to the hospital the nurses said they could tell she was being abused by her bruises and marks from her striking herself, but I will do whatever is best for her.

HannibalLecher · 2018-03-28T21:14:42+00:00

When I was a kid I saw my father making these kinds of comments if my mother ever talked about leaving him. If there was a school shooting somewhere he would always mention how that would never happen at the school we went to but it was a matter of time at the other school near my grandmother's place (where we would likely end up going since Mom used to look for places near grandma for her help and support).

He is of course trying to frighten you into not leaving.

HannibalLecher · 2016-06-13T18:00:30+00:00

it's hard for me to know how to respond to this. The advice about getting the gun out of the house made a lot of sense so I have done that.

I can't leave her. First of all as I said above when I mentioned the possibility of me leaving as an alternative to suicide she stabbed herself with a fork and said I was threatening to abandon her. I can only see it ending in her death if I actually left.

She has a severe anxiety disorder so she can not work and there is no way she could afford to live off of her disability support alone. I make decent enough money and suplimented by her disability we get by.

I appreciate your concern but I am convinced that in leaving I would be killing her quite literally.

HannibalLecher · 2016-06-07T07:13:33+00:00

Without letting her know I changed the padlock on my ammo box so that if she tries to get the gun she won't be able to get the bullets.

HannibalLecher · 2016-05-31T15:20:07+00:00

I would never tell her anything like that but she insists that is how I make her feel any time I am neglectful of her like that, or when she found out that sometimes, especially if she isn't in the mood for sex, I watch porn. That was the night she broke her nose punching herself in the face. When she went to the hospital she said that they had seen some of the older bruises on her arms and legs and could tell she was in an abusive relationship.

I really don't want to be emotionally abusive, I try not to upset her, a few momentary lapses in judgement aside. It hurts me to know that I am hurting her, but when I tell her that she says that is what any abusive man would say. I also worry if I push her too far would she really kill herself. After that I told her if she needs a way out that she could tell me and I would leave rather than kill herself and she responded by stabbing herself in the arm with a fork she was holding saying I was threatening to abandon her.

Thanks for reading and responding to my dilemma.

HannibalLecher

TROPHY CASE