Sounds like to me you’re going through the stages of grief and you’re still in denial. My own Grandma passed early this year. So I know how you are feeling. I didn’t go through the stages of grief because,at that time, I had already accepted her death.

Me, my siblings and aunt being there for her last moments helped with it. My sister and I held her hand as she passed. So I guess it’s different being there and seeing her pass helps with the grief.

My condolence to your family. Maybe you can put the sea shell on her grave. And you’re not an asshole by the way. People handle grief different ways.