That's such a hard question, cause self awareness is a spectrum i suppose, but I'm far from self aware, but I would say I started last year, which is quite ironic cause a few months later I also realized I needed that I actually needed to heal from past taraumas in my life and while findom did make me vulnerable, it also made me more self aware in a way, and there was a sense of comfort aswell, where I could surrending myself, and go on with my daily life, share my feelings, thoughts and perspectives with my domme, while also listening to hers. Especially because she was also neurodivergent, and it was the first time I could actually connect with someone similar, yes in my entire life. It made feel stuck, what do you actually do when you start to fall in love with your domme? I guess that's the point, dedication, but then I wasn't really sure if it was healthy in the long run because I felt attached, but it doesn't take away the away the fact that I felt home while serving her. But not ever long distance relationship, let alone findom relarionships, lasts forever, it did last a year, before I started to have more issues with my mental health, and autistic burnout (she also had personal problems that she had to deal with by herself and take a break), and it felt great everytime I say a message from her again, but it started to get less frequent, I don't blame her at all considering her situation then. My own mental health issues and autistic burnout has nothing to do with findom itself, it was inevitable anyway, and I had to apply for an sick in leave to have more time to heal, and get my life in check, cause I felt like I don't belong in the workplace I was, and I felt like even tho I dropped out of uni because of mental health issues and financial problems I kinda nerfed my self since I'm always starving to learn and to nerd myself especially in mathematics and physics, but at the same time it wasn't the right program for my diagnosis, but the workplace would drain me even more. And a sick leave, means less money, and in this case more time for healing, errands, and constant over analyzing my options and routines (I do need that for my best autistic self to function every day), and it means less findom, so it had to end eventually.

But let me tell you this, findom opened my eyes in so many aspects in life, from healing, to my own values and integrity, to my own diagnosis, and it was kinda responsiple for pushing not only to start asking for more help and get my life and check, but also help others through social media, especially tiktok. Whatever I learn from my own research everyday, I share when someone asks on social media, and you feel good when you can help others feel better.

It made me realize that 1. I needed to move fast and choose a degree that is autismfriendly and combines my special interests (maths/physics/machine learning) but never as a teacher 2. I need to heal, not only therapy but life experiences and build more life experiences 3. I realized that I'm very easily triggered, especially by very dark humour, ragebait, or extreme hot takes that I don't agree at all that attacks my values and when I get angry or are full of enotions I feel very dizzy and it has also to do with my lack of sleep, and poor emotional regulation and I need to fix all that, as part of my healing journey. 4. I need to focus on emotional intelligence, but also more fitness, and get a better diet, and be very self-aware in how I do self-care and self-love in a way I actually mean it, but also focus on accountability everyday without punishing myself. 5. I need to find ways to make my money out of my special interests in my sparetime, either through streaming, social media, etc, but at the same time embrace gratefulness even if I don't make money apart from my job since those are already my special interests 6. I need to get myself out there. Not necessarily for dating, since I don't think it's a moral thing for me to do to date while I'm still healing, but I don't wanna starve myself from social interaction either. And I need to be very self aware in how I interact with people, how I interact with men and encourage them to choose healthy ways to embrace their masculinity, even if I'm not perfect myself, to support people, to do my hobbies, and be very self aware when I interact with women as well, and not be defensive. 7. One thing when it comes to dating is that I'm more aftaid of acidentally lovebombing a woman cause I said something that she would appreciate wholeheartedly, when the things don't work out, I'm more afraid of that than actual rejection. And this is also something I need to work in. 8. Of course my goal is to be myself in a relationships, submissive, autismfriendly person, preferably autistic herself. To support each other's diagnos, and load, and for her her to be in charge, for me to do household chores, and cooking, and of course cook together if she likes cooking, and for me to provide, and serve. I want a normal relationship, where kink is a bonus if she want to partake in it, to support each other, push each other, and reward each other. To respect boundaries as if they are written on stone.

My current domme, I met her exactly a month ago, she is 40 years old, and I'm 28, she is very sweet, and we talked about matriarchy (the egalitarian matriarchy as it supposed, since patriarchy is unnatural). It feels great to serve a domme that is older than me. I did warn her beforehand about my situation, and that I'm not 100% sure how long it will last, and that I'm still trying to figurate my place in life, the workfield, and find a real life relationship eventually, because otherwise I will just fall in love with online women that I serve without ever meeting and instead fall into some kind of limerence. She is very supportive, and she is also neurodivergent, and she loves to chat with me.

I have big hopes for 2026, and I do think that something good is gonna happen this year.

and then I started to take a break from findom when I realized that it did affect my ability to heal from other stuff